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Author Topic: Reducing friends to become happier  (Read 1066 times)

Shamo

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Reducing friends to become happier
« on: January 19, 2022, 08:30:35 AM »

I don't know whether it's perimenopause or a result of lockdowns making me realise who's important in my life, and who I like to spend time with, but I find there are very few people I really want to be around, and I have started to make excuses with a lot of friends. I would just rather be on my own or with my little family. My true friends are those I made years ago in school, but live very far away, rarely see them. Newer friends don't seem to hit the spot as much. If we were to leave where we live tomorrow I wouldn't keep in touch with a single person. I find a lot of the time I'm just talked at, rather than listened to. I am definitely a listener but sometimes it's nice to have a two-way conversation which I find is very rare . I have a lot to give,  but I don't think people know the real me, what my interests are etc. People just seem to be wrapped up in their own lives. It does make me quite sad and down, so I'd rather these people weren't even in my life. Anyone else feel the same ??
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CLKD

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Re: Reducing friends to become happier
« Reply #1 on: January 19, 2022, 08:59:57 AM »

Yep.

I think people enter our lives for a purpose and leave.  This is a new thinking on my part, say in the last 10 years.

When we married I moved 8 hours drive away across the country.  Initially I wrote to lots of friends from College as well as 3/4 from early school days.  Eventually due to time etc. the people I was writing to stopped replying so after a while I stopped.  By then I had a new group to socialise with.  Then we moved here in 1983.

1 of those people has kept in touch over the years.  To begin with I would ring two friends every week ; DH suggested that I waited for a while to see how long B4 they contacted me.  It was 4 months and then with 2 lots of bad news  :'(.  I was devastated, it took me 11 years to settle here  :-\.   There were never any arguments, people simply dropped off and I took it personally.

How content R U to drop these people?  I kept in touch with DH's College group but in the last couple of years, haven't sent C.mas cards even though 1 couple stayed here regularly.  Then contact dropped off.  Lives move on I suppose.  I keep in touch with the wife of another couple: the men don't bother  ::).

I have in the past been let down by my sister, a neighbour who I spent a lot of time with ........ we do have people that we can call upon if really necessary.  People that we know in our various sports activities are 'friends' but we don't mix otherwise.  DH and I have been together since 1970  :-* and remain joined at the hip  ::).

We both have hobbies. 
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Postmeno3

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Re: Reducing friends to become happier
« Reply #2 on: January 19, 2022, 09:22:27 AM »

Ask yourself who you would miss and why. Just see who comes up quickly. Don't deliberate over it. As we gain wisdom in life, we gain discernment. This may be the case with you. Friendship should be nourishing and a two-way street. If not, it's not friendship. An alternative scenario would be the developing of social anxiety which can be hormonal/Covid restrictions-related. There are online questionnaires to determine if this is the case. A chat to a gp with empathy and an understanding of both menopause and mental health issues could be reassuring.
Maybe have a think about that "real" you and how she could find avenues to "show up" more? Good luck!
« Last Edit: January 19, 2022, 10:22:49 AM by Postmeno3 »
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Flossieteacake

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Re: Reducing friends to become happier
« Reply #3 on: January 19, 2022, 09:24:12 AM »

I can relate to this post. I thought I had a few friends but recently realised I was the one making all the effort and they would often say hurtful things to me. I often feel lonely and thought I needed such people or I would feel more alone. I ended up not making contact and I actually feel better because now I do not have anybody in my life who upsets and hurts me.
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shoppingqueen

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Re: Reducing friends to become happier
« Reply #4 on: January 19, 2022, 10:10:41 AM »

I think lockdowns have taught us a lot about friends and the genuine sustainable friendships. The trauma of what we’ve all been going through has had a huge impact.
One thing I noticed was the notable absence of my ‘best friend’. Sparse phone calls, no socially distanced walks etc.
I realised how much had happened in my life in her absence when we spoke at Xmas to catch up.
Whereas another friend, well- she has got me through the last 2 years mostly by our WhatsApp chats and we are both grateful for having been there for each other during all this but also significant life events in that time. 
The pandemic is/ has led to a number of people I know spring cleaning their lives- prioritizing health and well being, family etc and I know at least 3 who left extremely stressful careers as a result. Just walked away, moved areas, got jobs they could manage.
I don’t think you are the only one!
Think we’ll all
Look back in a post pandemic future and many, many of us will have changed our lives.
Xx
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Gracie

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Re: Reducing friends to become happier
« Reply #5 on: January 19, 2022, 02:15:16 PM »

I can very much relate to this post.  When I was younger its fair to say I was naive and gullible and allowed myself to be used by so called friends.

It made me very aware and cautious about making new friendships but I still allowed myself to be used. One particular 'friend' drained me so much that when they moved it was like a huge weight lifted of my shoulders. My one and only best friend used to say to me, you do realise she is loading the gun for you to fire, stupid old me of course didn't get it.

My best and most loyal friend passed away a few years ago and to this day I keep to family and I don't go out of my way to make any new friends, its been liberating.
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CLKD

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Re: Reducing friends to become happier
« Reply #6 on: January 19, 2022, 02:59:17 PM »

I'm a 'saver' so I am easily drawn into peoples' problems.  It took me years to realise that there are those that drain and those that give  ::).  e-mail has recently reconnected me to friends that I value; even those who disappeared for years whilst raising families etc..

I've had to stand back from each new friendship to find out how it's likely to go . 

I also don't have much to do with my sister/brother with no guilt. 

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