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[alibeau]

I just needed somewhere to vent, please feel free to ignore me but I think getting all my troubles off my plate and into writing might be a relief....

My 15yo DD1 died suddenly at home late one evening in April.  We waited over five months for the cause of death.  Coroners preliminary findings were food matter in her lungs causing haemorrhaging. We await the inquest in February and then have the 1st anniversary of her death to face in April.

We (my DH, DD2 and myself) are trying our level best to move forward without DD1.  In my naivety I thought the from the day DD1 died we would slowly slowly move along a path of recovery.

It turns out that the ripple effect of her death touches so many parts of our lives, way beyond what I ever imagined.  In every situation, every day, we are reminded of our loss. Ripple, ripple, ripple....

Before Xmas my DD2 started to feel overwhelmed with school, homework, life in general. I don't know how to help her, we talk a lot, have a fantastic bond but I just want to make it all right for her and I can't.  I worry about her education,  her well being but have come to realise that I can't control any of it, I can only do my best to support her.  DH is doing ok but he likes to find relief in having a drink. When he is drunk I have to worry about his well being, equally I do not blame him at all, if I could find relief once a week at the bottom of a bottle I would love nothing more.  However I haven't had a drink for over a year as I started to suffer with migraines. Also I don't think it would be too good for DD2 to have two pissed parents!!!!!

We run our own family business, so not much let up with work.  Our one employee who is a relative recently broke their shoulder so has been off work for 8 weeks so far.  DH and I are snowed under doing the work of three people.  It's hard especially when I am trying to find the time to support DD2.

On top of this I am currently experiencing some unpleasant hormonal changes due to upping my HRT.

Its a lot to deal with.

My eyesight has started playing up this week, I have a very high prescription so I have booked an appointment with the optician tomorrow.

We are all receiving separate counselling which I do think is helping.  We do have quite a few good days, definitely more good than bad.  Its just I've had a couple of rough days.

Just needed to vent.

Ali x

[jaypo]

Hi Ali and I'm so so sorry for your loss,what a terrible time,my OHs niece took her own life on Xmas eve past and I just wonder how her parents are going to get through it all,sudden death is awful for those nearest and dearest.
I guess all I can say is continue with the counselling,must be so hard for your daughter at school etc
Keep venting on here,it does really help to write things down and not keeping it all inside
I wish you all the best and again,I'm so sorry for your loss 💖 x

[CLKD]

Get to see the School first.  Sort out your DD2' work schedule, is there anything that she is able to defer to a year?  Does she have a good group of friends? 

You all need support from different sources to deal with your individual feelings.  Your DH is taking drink which long term won't help.  Does he see it as a problem, is he able to discuss without being defensive?  Maybe contact AA in your area to find out what support is for a) him and b) for families of an alcoholic.  That way you may source other support groups.

Is there a way of getting a temporary help in your business, are there similar businesses in your area that could assist?  Are your clients aware of your relative's injury which will have a knock on effect?  I find that being upfront about such situations is useful.

You are grieving.  This will be ongoing with more good days than bad.  Allow the bad days in. It's part of the process. Eventually you should come to a point of DD1 wouldn't want X, Y, Z so that will enable you to spend a time each day to remember her.  Grief can be overwhelming especially when there are other issues as you have.

[Tc]

Alibeau. Where about in the UK are you? Rough area?

It's ok if you dont want to say. It's just I know of a family bereavement centre in Manchester who specialise in child bereavemen, parents and siblings. They do take referrals from families outside the area but it depends how far you are. 

You are doing the right thing in all having your own sessions where you can open up individually about your feelings. But I'm just thinking of further support for you as a family.

My heart goes out to you.

Jaypo I'm sorry for your recent loss too.

Much love
Xxxx

[jaypo]

Thank you TC xxx

[alibeau]

Wow, thank you all. Very helpful feedback.

I did feel a little better just for getting it off my chest.

Firstly Jaypo, I am so sorry for your loss and send love and strength to you and your family.

Re DD2. I am in touch with her school.  The head, head of house and school counsellor are all giving support. Luckily DD2 is quite a clever cookie.  I have approached the head this week about having some flexibility with her homework, ie we prioritise the ones which are important and ditch the ones which are not which might just take the pressure off a bit....

Re DH.  I don't think he has a drink problem as such.  He has always enjoyed a drink.  It's just an extra worry for me when he is legless.  He knows he is self medicating but is also doing well with his counsellor, he feels it is a useful outlet for him and he feels it does him good.  We do talk very openly about it, he is not defensive at all and I do understand his reasons totally.

Very tricky re our business, we are quite specialised and work from home.  We retail to the general public.  Our suppliers have been very supportive.

We had a family two week holiday before Xmas which we all felt the benefit of.  We had also been away in the summer and for myself, I could feel the improvement in my physical health from the summer holiday when my anxiety was at its peak and so that was hugely positive for me even though I am still suffering with hormones and mild anxiety.

We are currently being supported by two different charities, one supporting DD2 and the other my DH and I.  Our counselling is being done with a view to us coming together for family counselling if/when the time is right.... so we do feel the support is there.

Again, thanks for reading and replying, it means a lot.

Ali x

[jaypo]

Wish you all the love in the world and hope you all receive the guidance needed x

[CLKD]

If your DH is legless ....... he has a problem.  Was he a drinker prior to the shock of your daughter's sudden death?

I expect that you will feel bereft often so keep in touch with us.  Also you seem to have covered most of the issues regarding counselling and spreading the School work.  C.mas/New Year are extra stressful anyway ........ does DD2 feel better since we are back to routines?

 

[Jeepers]

Hi

I am so sorry for you loss, I simply cannot imagine the grief and pain you have gone through, it must be a terrible time for you all.


jaypo, you too, that is simply so very sad

I don't really have any advice, it does sound like you are doing all you can, in an impossible situation. Your oh is suffering too obviously  , and drinking is his waY of blotting things out, but as you say, it's not really helping with dd2. Maybe your counsellor might have an opinion on that, and how to deal with it?

Sorry if my words are clumsy

With love

Jeepers xx

[jaypo]

Thank you jeepers 💖
The loss of a child  must be the worst thing to happen to someone

[alibeau]

Hi all and thank you.

I hear you CLKD but at this point I do not believe DH's drinking is a problem as such. He chooses, once a week, to put on loud music, turn on his Xbox and get blotto in his man cave! If I could do the same I would.  It is a release for him and I believe he could choose to stop but he believes this 'release' keeps him on an even keel....  I don't know if I am missing something? Am I being blind? I just worry about him when he is drunk and in all honesty I wish he didn't do it, he knows that but I wouldn't insist he stops if he truly thinks it helps him clear his mind....

Anyways, good new at the opticians, all looks good but she has refereed me regardless for a scan to check if there is anything going on under the surface due to my high prescription.

DD2 made it to school today, I hope she is ok when I pick her up later but at least she made it in....

So I have a couple of positives which is a relief.

Ali x

[Woodlands]

Hello alibeau
My heart goes out to you my DS 1 died 5 years ago very suddenly by taking his life... The shock of losing a child is huge and there are no time limits on grieving....neither should there be... The tears we shedd are the emotion release for the memories held so dearly.... The inquest I'm afraid can be hard times.... Please be kind to yourself throughout and the local press have the right to be present and you are not allowed to refuse their presence in the coroner court....
Look after one another and dump, delegate and do only what you need to in business.
If i can help in anyway please PM me.
Jaypo sweetie you too.... So sorry for the loss of another youngster to heaven....
Love to you all
Woodlands xx

[CLKD]

Once a week I suppose isn't as bad as it might be if your DH choose to be blotto more often.  Maybe ask your Counsellor for an opinion?  Trouble is alcohol can become a habit ..........

Glad that your eye appt went well, always better to double check !  DD2 will be tired so lots of feet up?  Thick blanket in front of the fire with a soppy film?  Does she go out and about with her friends or does she feel it too early?  If she is able to defer some subjects she will gain a sense of control.  Once can pick up subjects as she goes along, I never understood the need to take all at once.

[jaypo]

Thank you woodlands,such a shame that children don't think that life can get better for them 
How was your daughter today Ali ?