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[Focus]

Happily taking the combined pill to deal with horrendous perimenopause symptoms (not for contraception). It's taking the edge of the worst of it all, although I'm still getting a lot of symptoms. But I can live my life and earn my living, so it's good.

Mid May I had a pretty rough few days with a breakthrough bleed (PMS that was so painful for a couple of days that it almost made me pass out).

And now I'm having a pretty rough time. I started having a breakthrough bleed at the end of my holiday. So I did what the doctor suggested and stopped taking this pill for a few days/four days before starting taking it again. 

Only problem was, back in May I barely had a 'period'/withdrawal bleed when I did. But this time it was like a heavy period, with large clots (nowhere near what I was having to deal with before I started taking the pill though).

And I had a huge business thing to go to over the weekend, where I wasn't going to be able to take breaks or even just go to the toilet when I needed to.

I'm still traumatised by the huge, golf ball sized clots I was passing every hour, for weeks on end back in October/November/December last year. And there's no way I could have concentrated on my work over the weekend with the fear of some of those clots coming out of me, so I took some Norethisterone to stop the bleeding. Only just enough though, and nowhere near the recommended dose. So I took one pill a day instead of three.

Business event went really well and I felt great over the weekend. I think I have secured enough work to tide me over until the next one in six months time.

But obviously as soon as I stopped taking the Norethisterone I started getting a bleed again. So far not as heavy or clotty as a few days ago, but the cramps are unbelievably painful.

I never suffered from bad cramps before. It would have just been a day of dull cramps, on the very first day of my period. And obviously I could go to work or the gym no problem. Maybe taking it slightly easy, but otherwise being fine. But I can barely concentrate on anything at the moment.

All I can think of is that I hope it's another while before I feel like this again.

[Lanzalover]

Good morning Focus

Hope your feeling slightly better now unfortunately I don't have any words of advice but didn't just want to read and run.

Although I think you should go back to your GP and explain your situation and see if there's anything else they can do for you.

I'm sure someone will be along later with better advice for you.

Take care
Lanzalover x

[Focus]

Thank you.

I don't have the best relationship with my GP.

I've explained to her from the very start that I at least need to have the illusion of choice and control (because of PTSD). Last time I spoke to her it was so bad with her feeling me how it was going to be and what was going to happen that I had a panic attack over the phone and ended up in tears as well. Haven't spoken to her since, and that was maybe mid December?

My contraception specialist, I know I would need to wait a good few months for an appointment.

[Lanzalover]

Hi Focus

Would it possible to ring your contraception specialist and get some advice over the phone.

Sorry I'm not being very helpful

Lanzalover x

[Focus]

It's OK, don't worry

I don't know what they could say, even assuming I'd get through to someone.

I think I'm beginning to see patterns in what's going on in my body, over a good while.

After May, my withdrawal bleeds were not really noticeable. One was about a day long and I barely needed to use anything for it, it was so light.

So I reckon I'm at the point where my periods would be becoming a little more spaced apart and lighter some times, heavier other times, if I wasn't on the pill.

And insomnia, weird dreams, feeling down and drained seem to be clustered round the heavier, crampier periods.

I can't wait for this to be over. I'm so done with it all.

[Focus]

Uggg, things got bad this afternoon. 

The cramping got extreme, to the point where I felt like I was going to throw up. It was coming in waves.

It feels like my body is trying to get rid of something. A bit like when you've got food poisoning and the stomach cramps come in waves, and get worse and worse. And then stop for a bit after you've been sick. And you feel a bit better for a bit, until the next lot of cramps start.

And we're back to flooding and large clots.

So, this is the last day of my break from my pill. I'm going back on it now and we'll see what happens next.

Anyway, I can be at home and work over the next few days. So I feel OK about that at least.

[Focus]

I also had really bad shakes a couple of times, including this morning.

And a night chill last night. I didn't even know that was a thing, and I've never had one before. But I was in bed and couldn't get warm last night. I felt really shivery and cold.

[Chihuahuachick]

I hope you are feeling a bit better now.

It sounds horrible. I get the sick feeling from the cramps.

How ling have you been peri for if you don't mind me asking?

Really hope you are better, it really is distressing, no wonder we all feel yuk.

XxxxX❤❤

[Focus]

Thank you Chihuahuachic!

I think it's been going on for a good few years, slowly but surely. Changes were so slow and subtle that they became the new normal after a few weeks/months. And they were never really that bad/noticeable.

A few isolated, bad episodes here and there (flooding/clotting) over the past couple of years

Really bad since about summer last year. Absolute hell from October last year.

How about you?

[Chihuahuachick]

3 years in peri.

The idiot I live with is my worst problem.

I'm getting by. I just have to keep going and be strong. But I know it is hard, I hope you feel ok soon. XxxxX

[Focus]

You're amazingly strong. I find it hard enough as it is, and that's without all the other things you're having to deal with.

I've just been working from home this afternoon and evening. It's been nice, I've felt safe.

This is so strange. In the half hour it took me to get home on the bus mid afternoon, I flooded a sanitary pad and had two huge clots. Thank God I had black leggings on (I had been thinking about going to the gym when I got dressed this morning) and a long black coat on as well. I didn't sit down on the bus, I was too worried about what would happen when I got up.

But since then? Hardly anything. I was like someone had switched on a tap earlier on today, full force. And then pretty much just switched it off again. The cramps have gone. I pretty much feel like myself again.

This is just bizarre.

[Focus]

Awake since 3.30am. Not a bad night though, managed some restful sleep, and hardly any period.

I can tell that today is going to be another tough day though. I don't have cramps any more, just ovary pain, and clotting again.

Trying to hang on to my sanity when I'm feeling drained. And terrified of my body, absolutely terrified.