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[CLKD]

  has stated ruled my life, I had my first panic attack at age 3 related to it ...... I became anorexic.  Mum kept me alive on Rainbow Drops [chocolate buttons] ...... took me to a Dr at age 5 who told her that I 'woudl grow out of it' ... well I'm still waiting to grow  .... I have talked it through with many professionals but rarely friends as one night when vomiting [aged 8] I asked Mum to call the Dr and she told me that "the Dr would laugh" so, if the Dr will laugh the chances are that others will too.  So it's been hidden.  Even now. 

There was a group in the UK called 'gut reaction' begun by a lady in Ross on Wye - her initial letter to me was as though I had written it myself.  Every experience, every word ......... I hated school.  In case I was taken ill [I never was in school or College], or in case others were poorly.  I did manage to go on school bus trips to Dovedale or by train to London, even then at least 1 child would be ill or turn pale .........  but there were always teachers to deal with them.  I can remember clearly every incidence of a child being sick in class and when I'm queasy it's those visions that return  .

Because I didn't eat properly my gut eventually gave up pushing food through my system.  On 13 June 1998 I cracked up, I felt SO ILL ........ my Dr diagnosed irritable bowel syndrome and gave me medication to help kick start my spasm and after 4 days I felt a different person.  The phobia continued however.  In 2002 I was given beta-blockas to stop that adrenaline surge which causes my stomach to be queasy and I have begun to live again.

Apart from not being able to go to the theatre Hubby and I have a life once more.  I still have my survival kit: when travelling by car I have a plastic box near my feet 'in case'; when shopping I have a plastic bag in my back pocket 'in case'; I also know where every bin or thick cardboard box is in each shop  , 'in case' ......... when in a supermarket I mark where the flowers are stored and the household section where there are buckets 'just in case' .............

Do you realise how many food adverts are in magazines?  I didn't until I tried to flip through one when I was queasy at night to divert my thought patterns and how many food adverts are on TV .......... how important food preparation is World Wide, I got so I didn't go out to eat because I know how much time people take over food and then to turn up and tell them I'm not hungry  .......

Waffling done, off for brekkies.    for your daughter .........

[Micky]

Hello CLKD

I can only imagine how awful it is and how difficult it must be to have a phobia such as yours, i have fears/phobias of certain thing like a lot of people probably do but nothing that has been as debilitating and from such a young age.. Was there something that sparked the phobia off?? I can understand how you how not felt able to tell a lot of people that you know as its not the kind of phobia that a lot of people are familiar with,unlike the more recognized ones such as spiders,small spaces,etc etc.. Glad with the help of beta blockers that you have felt able to have a life again..

[CLKD]

Thank you.  I was intubated as a baby so reflexes of fear or flight began immeidately so CBT didn't help as my habit is so engrained.  Often when I feel sick it's because my gut is hungry but the fear strikes making it impossible to even be in the kitchen!  I have 'safe' foods too ....... and will only eat certain things that Hubby cooks for me ....... I can make toast though 

Phobia can dominate every aspect of life, it even terrorised me in my dreams ........

My sister in law is afraid of spiders, she threw a Scholl [remember those] on top of one but it wasn't until I called in 3 days later that we found it dead; she hadn't been into that room just in case .........   buttons, kittens, string, flying, being trapped, the feel of velvet .......... the creepy crawlies is logical, it goes back to our cave man days when we didn't know what was lurking in that deep, dark space that we called 'home'.  It doesn't make the fear any less ............. logic flies out the window when fear strikes 

[Taz2]

CLKD - your post is interesting. I have gone through periods of having a phobia of being "ill" when staying with relatives etc. What interests me is the fact that you carry bags with you (just in case) you have a plastic thing in the car and know where thick cardboard boxes are etc. To me this sounds as if you are not so much worried about vomiting but more about the mess it will make in front of other people. I know that sounds strange but having bags and knowing where receptacles are will not stop you vomiting but will make it less unpleasant for others.

My phobia is because I don't want to let people down i.e. becoming ill when they have put themselves out to cook me a meal or make my room nice for me or arrange trips out. It is the fear of putting people out and upsetting them which, after a lot of counselling, I have managed to unravel. Being out of control is also part of it and your body is certainly out of your control when suffering either sickness or diarrhoea.

Just wondered what you thought.

Taz x

[Micky]

Fears/phobias is an interesting subject, i think that lots of people must have a phobia about something and do not always know where the phobia has come from or how its developed. I have a fear of not being in control and not being able to cope,will not go in lifts for fear of being trapped,hate flying, dislike high rise buidlings,like to know where the exits are whenever i am in particular places.. I have had cbt and counselling and although it sometimes helps to talk, i do not feel that the therapy has cured me... I cannot remember any incidents from childhood or as an adult that have caused my fears/phobias,infact i do not remember anything much before the age of about 11, only odd bits and pieces.... Its interesting CLKD that your phobia began because you were incubated as a baby and that it affected you so deeply and  has stayed with you all this time,from such a young age our memories can obviously consciously and subconsciously remember things that can have a deep and lasting effect........

[CLKD]

Yep - upsetting people is one of the reasons I look for a recepticle, easier to clean up 'if' ....... and I still avoid going to eat with friends unless we meet at a Pub where they haven't had the responsibility of cooking .......

When I have turned up for an evening at a friend's house and told them I'm not hungry I get "Oh you didn't eat before you came?", or "You must try this I made it specially" or "You must have a little you will fade away" ..........  :   I saw my Dad repeating this trick with his Grandson then aged 3, who didn't like to be thrust into a room with people he didn't know - it was 'just a little bit for me' or 'try this you like potatoe' ....... my sister was so busy guttsying food down that she didn't have to pay for that she never noticed but it made my skin crawl ......... 1 because she didn't notice and 2 'cos Dad although being 'kind' was repeating old habits ........  the grandchildren didn't know us from Adam and it reminded me of when we met family at Grandma's for C.mas none of whom I saw from one year to the next but they threw me up in the air or pulled me onto their laps - no wonder I was ill every C.mas 

I was born weighing 3lbs 4 oz.  Straingt into an incubator.  Failed to thrive child.  So they stuck a tube up my nose into my stomach to withdraw the contents 3 hours after each meal ........... to see how much my gut was absorbing.  Intubation must have been traumatic hence the phobia.  But knowing what might have caused my panic attacks and dealing with such early memories has been impossible to sort.  Because the fight or flight response kicks in ..........

The container in the car is a 'tuppaware' type long cereal box with lid and smaller lid, ideal for putting rubbish into whilst travelling or for whipping off the lid 'if' ....... in Hubby's car I have a bucket in a bag which folds down small enough to carry in a shopping bag .......

[orrla]

Hello CLKD

Sorry you must go through all this..

What I read above brought to my mind the book I have read when dealing with my fear attacks (encouraged by progesterone) some time ago. Lots of very useful stuff in it. Perhaps it will help you too?


Amazon link: click here

Big hug from me!

[CLKD]

Thanks for the idea.  Thanks for the hug!

[CLKD]

I am SO ill.  I had dental surgery on Tuesday which left me in a lot of pain by Wed. afternoon, saw the dentist again yesterday morning who advised strong pain relief and an anti-biotic.  Which hit my stomach, caused massive heart-burn and came back up again after 2 hours.  FEAR.  I know I ought to eat and Hubby has stayed home because I'm not safe to be alone.  Bless him.  That adds to the guilt as he watches me trying to eat the toast with honey he's made.  I keep reminding myself what I would tell others but can't get into gear.  FEAR++ that if I eat I will feel worse.  No logic in that Ilived like this for over 20 years and once the beta-blocka kicked in, felt a whole lot better. 

I shake.  I need to cry but can't.  I need to eat but can't.  I want to crawl into a hole and sleep until the symptoms go away but of coufrse, my system is empty so those feelings won't go unitl I've eaten    I looked for the rescue remdey bottle but can't find it  .......... I've got to eat, I've got to eat, I've got to ........

[Bette]

Oh CLKD, so sorry to hear this. 
I'm so glad that hubbie has stayed at home to look after you. I remember struggling to eat a couple of years ago (also with OH watching me and looking dreadfully worried) but that was lack of appetite and I'm lucky in that being sick doesn't worry me.
Hope you feel better as the day goes on.
Bette x

[Eddie]

Poor soul, hope you are able to feel better as the morning progresses, it can be a viscous circle of not wanting to eat and be sick or eating and being sick. Did you find your Rescue Remedy?

Did anyone see this article about the fear of the dentist?
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/cornwall/7879301.stm
Eddie. x

[CLKD]

Didn't find the Rescue Remedy   ......... I nibbled from 7.30 until 9.45 then my stomach began to feel queasy even though logically it's hungry so have had a doze on the settee with F1 practise in the background.  Hubby keeps handing me various items of food to try   he has to bully me at this stage   ........ once I woke up we had a walk round and planned the next stage in our garden whilst I was munching Rich Tea and I have 1 and ahalf biscuits to munch now. He's making me a chicken/ginger/garlic mix for tea     FEAR is a huge driving force in this in that I don't recognise when my stomach is hungry and when it's ill.    I'm shaking all over as I type .............

[CLKD]

I still feel vulnerable.  Hubby made me a lovely chicken mix which whilst cooking turner my stomach but I ate small amounts all afternoon until Imanaged an almost 'proper' tea.  He kept me busy all day, or outside watching the tadpoles and fish in our ponds, anything to stop me getting introspective.

I no longer feel like I want to die.  The only way I can get rid of the awful physical feelings is to eat - which is impossible at the time and this can go on for weeks; or sleep which I was unable to do due to the facial pain.

Pain is still present but no longer constant.  I've taken my anti-biotic and it stayed put; I've eaten a small breakfast and swalowed my AD and beta-blocka to stop the anxiety surges.  I need to take a walk this morning to try and clear the headache.

Thank you so much! 

[viv]

I do feel for you CLKD. I have this phobia too. I can pin point where it started in childhood but this one is about you and not me.

As you say little and often. The fear of being sick is worse than the actual event for me, and others being sick is my big thing. Not a wonderful thing to have when you have kids.

You hubby is a star...you are a lucky lady. Hope things continue to improve for you. In a few days you will be back to normal.
 

Honeyb
x

[CLKD]

He is a Star.  He was begging me to eat half a biscuit whilst I was laying on the floor wanting to die  [just for me] ..... I could have kicked him actually  'cos we've lived this life before  and 'just' doesn't come into it.  However.

We had the walk, sat by the river and watched wild birds; I was tired but not uncomfortably so: he's had his camera out round our pond since lunchtime [which I managed to eat], taking photos of small damsels mating and laying eggs in our pond: my gut is rolling now though through a dose of anti-biotics and 2 Nurofen  .........