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[Poppi]

Please can I ask what other ladies would do? 3 years ago my husband bought me a mobile phone for Christmas. I needed one and it has been very useful. However it has caused so much agro I wish he had never bought me the blasted thing. Today was the perfect example of the trouble it's caused. I belong to a group of ladies who meet weekly and I was answering a question when husband came into the room. Because I didn't put my phone away he went off on one about him working all day while I play on my phone. I couldn't find a game if I wanted to and was replying to a lady who is ill. I'm not allowed to use phone while watching TV and I'm ready to move into the spare room as I can't stand this kind of abuse any more. It has been going on for 3 years and after half hearted promises to change, he hasn't.
Any ideas? I know other women have much more serious abuse to endure but I'm at breaking point.
Poppi x

[AgathaC]

Hi Poppi. I don't know much about your story and I always think one is only qualified to comment on intimate relationships you are part of. But you have asked for ideas/comment. What I would say is that I don't like hearing any grown up lady saying, for example, “I'm not allowed” to use the ‘phone while watching TV. That doesn't seem right to me. You say you are at breaking point. That's worrying. Maybe you should go and sleep in the spare room. Don't have a row. Maybe just be sad (you are) and explain that you need a kind husband and not one who is rude and verbally abusive. You also say that he's “promised to change” so maybe this has been going on for a long time, hence you are at breaking point. I'm sorry about this, Poppi. You need some kindness from a partner xxx

[Ju Ju]

I'm so sorry Poppi. This is controlling behaviour and unacceptable. We all deserved to be treated with love and kindness. What do you want to happen?

[jaypo]

Oh poppi,not good,I completely agree with Agatha,it's not really for us to advise you what to do but I was in a relationship where my partner was very controlling and this is what it sounds like you are in. I would NEVER be with someone who told me what I could and couldn't do,you have your own mind.
Can you not stand up to him?or are you scared of him? I'm afraid if it was me,the phone would need to be surgically removed from himself

[JaneinPen]

So sorry to hear that you are unhappy poppi. As the other lovely ladies said.  It is not for us to advise you what to do but you have asked. It sounds like your husband wants your full attention when he is around which comes across as controlling. I too would not put up with this kind of behaviour.  We do not need to feel miserable as we get older.  Maybe if you tried talking to him and telling him how he makes you feel would help.  What ever you decide to do I hope you find some peace

[Shadyglade]

What is the significance of the '3 years'. Did something happen then?

This is not acceptable behaviour but you need to get to the bottom of it. Is he experiencing stress. No excuse I know but if you can find the cause you may find a solution.

[AgathaC]

How are you today, Poppi?

[Poppi]

Hi Ladies
I couldn't get back on line last night (technical problems). Thanks for your comforting words and advice. My husband apologised and said he was fed up of people treating him like dirt. Maybe I should have stopped replying on my phone (to a friend who is ill) although that doesn't excuse his behaviour. I have told him I will use my phone whenever I choose and he didn't say any more.
The last 2 years have been very difficult for us (we both retired at the same time, my father-in-law became very ill, moved into a care home and 18 months later he passed away. My husband's brother has been extremely awkward. He lives 10 miles from my father-in-law's house, was very obstructive when it came to making decisions about Dad's ill health, was very critical of my husband and I starting to clear the house when Dad moved into the care home, took some of Dad's belongings home with him but refused to tell us where these items were. Our son got married 18 months ago (to a lovely girl and family) and we now have a beautiful little grandbaby. I'm sure things will improve with us both trying to put things right. Reading my message right now makes me sound like I don't understand the stress my husband is under; I do but thought I'd ask other's perspective on this phone issue. Shadyglade, there is no significance to the fact that I got the phone 3 years ago - it's just that I've had this verbal abuse / nonsense to put up with since then.

Jaypo, I will remember your thoughts! havn't tried that yet!
                 Poppi x

[jaypo]

Hope it all works out for you poppi,stress can make people behave in different ways.good luck xx

[getting_old]

Poppi I agree with what the others have written about not being able to fully understand what goes on within a relationship however you have asked for advice so I will say something, and you are very welcome to ignore it or tell me to butt out. When I read your first post my thoughts were that your husband was mentally abusive, and you actually use the word 'abuse' in your post. After reading your second post it sounds like he is behaving in this way because he is under a lot of stress so I am wondering if this behaviour has just started in the last few years? If so it's very likely that your husband is a genuinely good person who just cannot cope with the stress, and would probably be horrified if he realised how he was making you feel. Maybe you should write him a letter and explain what is happening and how it makes you feel? Try not to point the finger, but do explain the impact it has on you.

I was with someone who I realised would belittle me to boost his confidence. I wrote down how it made me feel and what needed to change. I wrote that if things didn't change within a set time that we were finished. He was quite horrified when he realised what he was doing as he was just mimicking his father's behaviour. I had got used to it and many times just brushed it off, but after making him aware I really tried to stop him as soon as the behaviour started and point out what he was doing and how it made me feel.

[Poppi]

Thank you Getting_ Old for your opinion and sensible words on this. I think different people see the word "abuse" in different ways. My husband is usually a mild-mannered man, and I am the only one who sees the verbally angry and (what I would call) abusive side to him. I like your idea of writing him a letter, as I too have got used to the "temper tantrums". We are going away for a 10 day holiday in March. We both need this break to have some peace and quiet and enjoy each other's company again.
I'm feeling a bit silly now for admitting we have some problems but I don't want to throw away 37 years of mainly good times (and 2 wonderful sons, lovely daughter-on-law and a gorgeous grandson).
                Poppi x

[Ju Ju]

I would suggest phrasing it with saying that when he behaves in a certain way you feel........rather saying you make me feel..... The former phrase is showing cause and effect, rather than attacking him, which it likely not to get a good response as he may become defensive. Bad behaviour does not define who we really are; it is a reflection of something that is wrong. This might lead to a deep discussion about the stress he is under and how you might be able to support him. But remember, loving someone does not mean you should tolerate bad behaviour. Does this make sense?

[Pennyfarthing]

That wouldn't do for me I'm afraid.  I cannot bear people telling me what to do or when to do it.  I had enough of that when I was younger and I wouldn't stand for it.  I never tell my husband what to do, he can do as he pleases and he does so it works both ways.

[CLKD]

It's abuse.  However many excuses you make.  If he is under stress, it's up to him to own up and deal with it.

Ask him to talk about what he would like to alter in order to lessen his stress.  Ask him if there is something you can help with or whether it is up to personnel at work.  A Solicitor should be helping with the issues surrounding his brother and late father's property. 

Mine read over my shoulder whilst I was typing - sending a message that wasn't owt to do with him.  I sent him off to do something in the kitchen or elsewhere.  Neither would he be opening my personal snail mail that lands on the doormat, that would instigate instant divorce.  Mine.   Years ago I had pen friends and he was sternly told that I would share if I thought he would be interested in the contents 

It's your mobile 'phone.  Even if he pays for top-up, it shouldn't be an issue.  I don't believe in gadgets at the table or being taken into cafes etc., however!

Time for the discussion ........ as suggested, do not go in combative. 

[Poppi]

Phone NEVER at the table, in or out of the house - that is rude. Raised voices - not from me! I'm working on helping his stress as I do love him with all my heart, it's just difficult sometimes.
                                                               Poppi x