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[Roseneath]

Is there anything you have never told your nearest and nearest or would admit only to yourself?
 
(OK so the basis for this question is a rather melancholy realisation I had recently. My parents never loved me. ( I accept that).  I can't talk to my husband like you would to a ' best friend'.  (I accept that too).  My 'best' friends act like their lives are super perfect all the time.( I don;'t buy that).   I am 48 and 3/4 and  no one knows the ' me' me.

[CLKD]

It took me until I was mid-30s to find out who I am. 

Yes I have secrets.  It would be arrogant to think that we know everything about another person, DH surprises me often.  Things I think that I know he alters often .......... usually when we are chatting with others.

White lies are OK.  Cheating lies are different.  After all, celebrations can be difficult if the other person/s know everything, it's no longer a surprise ........... [we don't like those either!].  So we have drawers and cupboards which are out of bounds so that we can hide presents etc..

I have a telephone voice and a persona different to that when I'm at home.  It goes without saying that asking someone how they are rarely gets a true answer? 

[JaneL]

Maybe all we can do is to recognise these things by introspection. Very sorry about your reflections and feeling you have to "accept" them. It must be a very hard thing to cope with parents who didn't love you as you needed.

There is such a big area in the lies of omission, all the things we do not say but arguably could, sometimes at least. The only thing I attempt to do is to try to make sure I'm doing as little harm as possible, while retaining a bit of integrity. Probably putting on a front for your friends is fairly normal, you get to see what the relationship really is when one of you throws a wobbly!

Your question has also exposed uncomfortable feelings I've had for quite a while now, about the things I am not saying to my husband. I realise that I pretend a lot, and I'm not sure whether I should or how I can possibly tell him what I really think. We do talk a lot and get on well, but I am certainly not honest about my feelings about our "love life" - that I really dislike doing it, even though I love him.

[Roseneath]

I do admire your honesty Jane L.  For me on top of the physical and emotional symptoms the Peri/Menopause is a lonely time. As a teen or a mum with young kids I didn't have a problem sharing how I honestly felt with friends/husbands, having a shared laugh at things.  I find talking about anything Meno related is  just not a subject you are going to gain friends or delight your husband with. It feels almost like talking about death or visiting car homes; people just want to put their fingers in their ears and go ' la, la, la' and move on.  Or the GPs seem to glaze over a bit and look at their watches.   I feel like my husband is waiting for the ' old me' back ; not the emotionally up and down, joint creaking, bowl complaining, grey hairing  (and probably increasingly un-sexy). The ' real me' now is the me that posts on the forum. The people who seem to ' get it' and  ' get the now-me' are the strangers on this forum. 

[CLKD]

So print off 'hints for husbands' from here and hand over? 

My libedo disappeared 17 months into marriage.  I had to 'lay back and think ......... ' - another set of secrets  .  Eventually it came back once hormones settled. 

[JaneL]

I think you're the one being very honest and open here Roseneath, on some very difficult topics. I think you're right, the forum feels a very good place to express with people who will be able to tune in and understand (as well as offering ideas). And will not react like you're Banquo's ghost or something when you start talking about your realities. It is lonely if you can't open up at home.

I just remembered a project called postsecret.com where people send an anonymous postcard to a person who publishes them online and they contain all sorts of secrets people keep quiet about (on a range of things). It can be both sad and therapeutic to read.

I don't think I'm being at all honest with my husband who really deserves better. He has been very patient and kind, but like yours is certainly waiting for the "old me" back. The awful truth is that I really don't belive that is going to happen, certainly not the minx aspect. I think I must find a way of telling him.

I'm also summoning up the courage to open up more here, but don't want to take over this thread. It's a hard thing to talk about!

[JaneL]

Thanks CLKD, I anticipated the value of printing off the hints for husbands and getting him to read it!

He's actually very patient and good about it, but I feel I'm abusing that. I do "lay back" occasionally, but even that's becoming harder. I basically feel "done" and that my hormones are settling into something I'm now quite happy about.

[CLKD]

It's The Change - does what it says on the tin  and husbands are often aware that it will happen.  But they need to feel needed! hence the lay back attitude.  Also, it got rid of the guilt 4 me!  What I would like if DH would 'get on with it' 

[jillydoll]

When I was really suffering with the meno symptoms, I was in a really dark place.
I really thought I was having a break down, and that I'd end up in a mental institution.
What happened was, I told my OH about everything, I couldn't help myself, about everything I was
feeling, and I mean everything, even if it upset him. I told him how I felt about different people in
our families, and how they'd affected me over the years with the things they've said to me, or what they've done. From that moment on, he knew exactly how I felt, and that I wouldn't be going back there, for love nor money.
I've always been a person who would do anything for anyone, no matter what, if they'd ask me, I'd do it with pleasure, and I would never let anyone down, and it wasn't because I wanted to be liked, a people pleaser, that's just how I am, if I genuinely couldn't do it, then I couldn't, that's that.
But what people have done to me, or things they've said, even belittled me, wheather it was a joke or not, it just seemed to come right to the forefront when I hit meno. I was always a person to laff things off, shrug things off, not really take things to heart, maybe because I KNEW, I was/am a good genuine person, and I think, if someone has something bad to say about someone, then they're the ones with the problem, not the recipient.
So even though I told him many secrets, was I worried about him wanting to leave me?
No, because he knows I love him, and I know he loves me, (we met when we were 17)
He just didn't know that I was so wounded, because of the person I am, and it was only menopause that all these things came out...but to be honest, at that particular time, if he did want us to part, I just didn't care anyway, I just needed to get everything off my chest.....
As for him keeping secrets from me, I know he does, not major things, but still secrets, I just don't think he's very good at hiding them though, because how do I know he does, if he was so good...lol

[JaneL]

jillydoll, how fantastic that you had the courage and necessity to tell your OH everything, and that the strength of your relationship was good for it! It can be so energising when it works, and I suppose the converse of pleasing people all those years was not so good.

Also sounds like you're out the other side which is great.

[CLKD]

Me too! I no longer take crap from anyone.  Family included.  I keep his family at arms' length and am sociable when we have to meet otherwise .........  . Life is too short to stuff a mushroom 

[jillydoll]

I think we have got closer, and now I tell him everything, about everything,
and if he doesn't like it, he'll tell me so, and we'll work something out together, because at the end of the day, I don't want to upset him, I don't want to go against him, I'd rather him be on my side of the fence, but now I think because I opened up to him, I've got more to say, he listens to me, and understands.
Years ago, I think I just sailed through life, not really having an opinion on anything, was only interested in my family being happy, and their well being, now everything's changed, the kids have grown up, I'm not so preoccupied with bringing them up, and obviously I'm older, he's older, and life changes, and it's only now, when I think back, all the secrets I'd kept hidden, maybe as well, because I was focused on other things, I subconsciously swept them back to the back of my mind, and they only surfaced when the balance tipped.
We joke, we laff (now,again, I'm feeling better.) and I know, that if I've got anything to say to him, or him me, we say it.....no secrets, (maybe little ones) that don't really matter anyway , in the big scheme of things....
So, in that respect , and it's really the only one, meno done me a big favour.
Every relationship is different, and I know it's very hard for some people to share their secrets, but for me, I had too..and gladly, it worked....
I've now learned, just like CLKD, to keep some people at arms length, and not to be so ‘inviting ‘. As it were, that's my coping mechanism. I've learned a lot, and I've hurt a lot,
so now, as CLKD put it, I'm gonna take time to smell the roses.....(I love that. Lol)

[JaneL]

Smell the roses and smoke the mushrooms? Much better than stuffing them!

[Roseneath]

That is a very positive life affirming, positive story jillydoll, thanks for sharing it. I think you are right in that the emotions Meno can unleash
can also be used for positive change. It takes courage and the risk of hurt but in your case it shows it can be worth it.

I have this theory that it is the sensitive/reflective second/third borns that struggle more with Meno than the first borns - would be intersting if that is mostly true! (I am second born). I am also sure the more time you have by yourself to reflect the more anxiety can play its mental tricks.

On down days I wallow in the thought the most of my life decisions have been made. I will never have the life I once hoped for or be the things I wanted to be. I also have a hard time accepting that not everyone comes from a good or loving place in life.  But then I saw a clip of Ian McKellan staring in King Lear at 79. Aim high I thought. Respect!

[CLKD]

Oh don't get me started on magic mushrooms   

When we left College in the 1970s our Tutor told us not to keep swapping jobs or we would get a reputation for not being reliable.  After a while I thought "It's up the Company to make sure that I am happy, if not, I'm off!" ..... same with family and sometimes friends.  No one has the right to intentionally hurt me and those that continue to do so are OUT!  Halved my C.mas card list when I took that decision 

Secrets can ruin lives.