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[Paloma]

Hi Jeepers

Losing our parents is so very hard and none of us know how it will affect us when the time comes. It is still early days for you after the loss of your dad. I've read that the grief process can take around four years but of course everyone is different. The end was something I thought about a lot in the early days (it's been ten years since dad died) but with time that became less and memories of dad now are mostly of happier times when he was healthy. This will happen for you but it will take time. I seem to remember the hospice giving my brother an appointment to discuss the way dad died at the end so it might be worth you contacting them.

Re your daughter coming back home I don't think you're being selfish as she is doing it of her own accord. The company will be good for you I'm sure because it's not easy suffering from anxiety when you have people around never mind when you're on your own.

I hope you are feeling better with your cold today x

[Jeepers]

Hi

Yes, the cold is almost gone now.  Which is good, but unfortunately my HA is still spinning me out of control.  Its like I HAVE to keep torturing myself.  I have managed to keep the BCC thing out of my mind, and something else has just rushed in to fill the void.  I have been obsessing about my heart.  I have a fitbit Charge 2, and have a resting bpm of between 52 & 56, which is less than normal apparently (between 60 & 100).  Anyway, sitting downstairs last night I noticed that it went down to 48! Which really freaked me out.  I couldn't stop checking it all the time I was wondering if my heart was just going to get slower and slower until it stopped.

I think I need to stop wearing it, as its causing me so much stress, which is ironically bad for your heart!
My world seems to be getting smaller and smaller, I have given up a sport I loved after a trigger event with it before Christmas, and lost a whole group of friends.  I am also alienated from most of my family now (siblings), after my Dad died. 

I have also noticed that I seem to have tinnitus now. 

On a positive note, my joint aches have eased a bit, still getting that weird sensation of bubbles popping under my skin, does anyone else get that?

I have the whole day off tomorrow, so I am hoping to get some counseling sorted out for both the bereavement and the Anxiety.  And Paloma, I will order that book   

Jeepers x

[Bring me Sunshine]

After the rain, a rainbow will come and the sun will shine on you once again. Keep going you are doing just fine things will fall back in place for you just give it time xxxx

[Jeepers]

Hi Sunshine

Thanks for your message, it brought tears to my eyes. 

I'm just back from the dermatologist now.  He said it doesn't look like a BCC, but wasn't quite sure what it was, so has suggested a biopsy/  ITs small, so they will remove the whole thing then send it away for analysis.  He seemed very relaxed about it, and said it could have been an insect bite which has left soe residual lesion, but he didn't think it looked too suspicious.

so, today is a good day. No rainbow yet, but a very small gap in the clouds for a tiny bit of sunshine.  :-)

[Bring me Sunshine]

That's good to hear and a step in the right direction.My friend Andy's favourite quote is by JR R Tolkien:

Darkness must pass
A new day will come
And when the sun shines
It will shine out the clearer

Nothing stays the same you do cycle out of things.  I have after being in such a dark place this time last year.  It is just a question of getting the right balance whether it be treatment/therapy whatever works and give it time.

Not to beat yourself up if you dont feel like doing anything or feel like you are alienating yourself, that's just normal when you are suffering.  I did all that through losing parents and depression/anxiety/low confidence all of that awful debilitating stuff.  When you are completely well you come back to life again and they are there, the ones who matter.  Give yourself time.

My friend's daughter came back to live with her after uni, is working and saving for a deposit, she does not give rent.

Keep going and a bit more sun will start slowly coming through and if other dark days come you know they will pass as you have seen that gap.
xxx

[Paloma]

How are you doing Jeepers?

Bring me sunshine is so right about the time thing. After what you've been through your health anxiety is bound to be worse but it will get better with time. Have you tried the Kalms yet, regularly through the day? They might just help to get those stress levels down a little.

Weirdly you are in the same situation as me by the sounds of it as I have also been estranged from my siblings since dad died. Now, when you need your family around more than ever it can be tough so keep posting and sharing here.

You will get through this x

[Jeepers]

Hi

Sorry I have been away, I am just not doing too well


Things feel just awful at the moment, so much so that I was all set to see if perhaps HRT is the way to go.
I then read a lot more threads on here, and came across one from a lady called Eliza, who said her two sisters have been having a really bad time to
come off HRT now that they are in their sixties.  So I feel conflicted again.  I really don't know what to do for the best

I am so miserable with everything.  On Sunday evening, and then again last night, I was sitting on the sofa and I suddenly felt
really dizzy and it felt like I was about to faint.  I didn't, but it really scared me.  I quite often feel light headed anyway.
Watching the TV, there is a commercial telling people about FAST, and the signs of strokes.  Now I am thinking that I will just
have a stroke or heart failure, and because I live alone, no-one will find me.  I keep tidying up so if I die I won't shame my kids!

So current symptoms:

Anxiety
Weak bladder
Dizzy
Aching in joints
Muscle pains
Palpitations
Light headed
Generally feeling crap

I just feel like my world is getting smaller, and I don't feel like me anymore. I fact, I keep having thoughts that this is the
end. 

I feel really sad barbecue I always hoped that I might meet someone and have a relationship.  That seems unlikely now. Wo would want to spend time with
me?


Before I freaked myself out, I was thinking that maybe the trans dermal gel looked like possibly a way to go?  But there is so much to
consider, I get overwhelmed.  Work has been stressful, I haven't had a lunch break for two weeks, so trying to get my head around all of
this too, I just don't have the energy. 

I don't seem to get hot flushes either, so the doctor might just say no, so hard to know what to do next. Can anyone give me advice on how best to approach the
doctor?  Our practice has three middle aged male doctors, and I don't anticipate getting  a lot of understanding from  them

Sorry to be such a downer

Jeepers

[Daisydot]

Hi jeepers I'm so sorry your feeling like this but I promise you it does get better with the right treatment you just need to find that inner strength to search it out.spend £25 on an email to dr currie for advice and print it out to take to the gp and that's a great starting point for you it saves you trying to put your story to them when your at a loss as where to start,I've been there too and it's not easy you just dry up and hide behind meno brain.all your symptoms listed and more have been on my list and I thought my life was going to be like that Indefinately, worst thing is I'd been on hrt previously for a couple of years and gp took me off it for the next five years I didn't even notice what was happening to me because it was a gradual creep then I suffered severe head trauma and couldn't cope with all the other meno stuff on top and I just had that light bulb moment when I said right sod this enough is enough I want the old me back,I was like a decrepid old woman before my time struggling daily to just function,I got no help from the medical system here just stitched up and dumped.fight to get your life back.
all I take hrt wise now is one squirt of Oestrogel and vagifem and sometimes I used oestriol cream to help with the healing process I was so bad I was bleeding.dont let it get a grip like I did.iIm 99% well now I can't help the head trauma that's still on going for me but I've made sure it'll never happen again,another meno symptom I'm afraid.since hrt no more falling and dizziness thank god.there is light there but you'll need to fight for it,do the dr currie thing first if your not confident about how to approach your gp that's what helped me initially.good luck and keep us updated xx

[Bring me Sunshine]

Hi Jeepers

So sorry to hear we are having such a crap time.  It is so easy for me to say it will get better but it will.

I dont know where you live but you really could do with seeing a menopause expert.  I know the one in Oxford will see people from other areas if their doctors allow it but you may not be anywhere near there.  Try and find out if there is an NHS one near you. There is always the Dr Currie option mentioned in earlier posts, she is amazing.  Dont put off going to the doctors and you go in and tell the male gp exactly how you feel and that you need referring they may be better than you think, you just need to go and broach the subject.  Print off information on hrt and take it with you if you feel it may help, but go.

I dont know what your work is or if you get sick pay etc... but it does sound like you need some time out for you to get some balance back perhaps the gp can sign you off for a short while so you can rest and concentrate just on getting better.  I had to take 8 months off last year.

As for transdermal gel.  It has worked wonders for me (the tablets gave me migraines) as soon as the right level of gel kicked in I havent had any problems at all in fact I feel 100% well.  If I compare this me to me this time last year when I was suicidal with depression, its quite hard to believe.

My original symptons did not include hot flushes, I have never had one. My symptons were depression, anxiety, muscle pains, couldnt be arsed doing anything, withdrawal from friends, no concentration at work, no confidence, couldnt work.

I have no intention of ever coming off hrt and according to the menopause specialist I see, they told me there is no reason for me to ever come off.

Please dont give up it really truly does get better you just need the right help!

Take good care and stay in touch xxxxx

[knorman]

Hello Jeepers

I am very sorry to hear about your father.  I became very ill after my father died in the same circumstances and held in all the grief for a year, which made me very ill in the way you have described.  So as well as the menopause, you are obviously, quite rightly, still grieving for your father.

I have been having severe anxiety and near panic attacks due to an issue with my mouth. I have not even been able to tell my OH or my best friend how anxious I was feeling, as I knew talking about it would trigger a panic attack, so I understand totally where you are coming from. I wasn't able to speak properly anyway with the dry mouth and that would cause me even more anxiety. I have tried all my usual walks etc that I use to cope with anxiety, nothing working, as nothing took my mind of the mouth issue.  Online has been my only release and I have had a lot of help (thank you A), this is a wonderful forum.

However, I couldn't go on as I was and yesterday I went to the Dr.  I am not able to take HRT at the moment, but my Dr prescribed  SSI (?) Mirtazapine, which is to help with anxiety, panic attacks and menopausal symptoms.  Took the first one last night and as suspected, my mouth is even more dry, but I am not anxious about it, so the one tab seems to have worked already.   I swear I did not have as many night heats, I am never able to sleep through them, I don't think any of us can and I managed to sleep. I have not slept in a long, long time because of the night heats. I feel a bit like a zombie today, but you always do after finally sleeping after being deprived for so long. I will take it earlier tonight and then hopefully that may help.  When I was in the Drs yesterday, I could hardly hold myself up.  Anxiety does that to you also, so I understand how exhausted you are. Nothing left in the engine. I have been trying to keep myself in perpetual motion to keep the panic attacks at bay, so I understand the exercising, but I think you may be pushing yourself to exhaustion.  I have CFS/ME and I have to pace and rest and I knew keeping on the go was not sustainable and it wasn't helping. Treat yourself to some rest if possible, tricky I know when all those thoughts are swirling through your head (I listen to calming music).
Whenever I feel at my worst, I lie down, although I do realise that is not always an option for someone.

I am only planning to take these short term, although I will be directed by my Dr, until the hospital appointments come through regarding my mouth, but if they help me through this tricky spot, so be it! 

Please, please go to your Dr, you need to break this vicious circle with possibly HRT or medication and they will be able to put your fears to rest with regard to DVT.

Good luck Jeepers x

[Kathleen]

Hello  Jeepers.


My issues are very similar to yours and I completely sympathise.

 You've had some excellent responses from the wonderful ladies on the forum  but I thought  I'd say that your male, middle aged GPs may be more understanding than you think. Back in the day my doctor asked me if I wanted HRT before I'd had any symptoms at all ( those were the days ) and I learned that his wife had struggled with her meno and finding the right HRT so he was familiar with the whole shebang! Also every other male doctor has been equally supportive.

I hope you get the treatment that you need, this time of life is traumatic for some of us but with MM you are never alone.

Take care.

K.

[Jeepers]

Hi

Thank you all so,so much for replying, it is humbling and so lovely that you have taken the time.

Daisydot -- sorry to hear you have had a head injury, I hope you are getting better now?  I get dizzy a lot, I hope I don't fall or faint.  I am going to spend some time this weekend composing an email to Dr Currie, but its hard to know where to begin isn't it?  Today I have had a headache all day. Not severe, but definitely there.  Also the back of my neck  and top of my shoulders is aching, so I am definitely feeling like a decrepit old woman..

Sunshine -- I don't get sick pay.  I am an independent IT contractor, so no show, no dough.  Added to that we have had a serious incident on the platform I look after, and the other chap who does the same role as me has been off sick.  I have been working stupid crazy hours, but to be honest, I am frightened of taking time off, as that's when my anxiety goes into orbit.  I had two weeks off at Christmas, and spent the whole time torturing myself that I had a DVT. (The trigger was a scuba diving trip, and I haven't been back to my scuba club since).  I cram as much into my hours as I can, and end up exhausted, but I don't know how to stop and find my inner peace.

I live less than 30 miles from Oxford, so it may be an option?  I will try to find out.

Reading a bit more about the Oestrogel, I think you need a progesterone treatment too, is that right?

Knorman -- I know exactly what you mean, and although I am so sorry to hear that you feel like that too, it is a relief to know that I am not alone, and other people can understand.  I never talk to anyone about anything, I have three sisters and a Mum, and have never, in all my life discussed periods with them! Everyone thinks I am this strong independent single parent, but I am a mess inside. I don't want to let anyone down.  I hoe you get a good result with your mouth, and you get some sleep soon. 

Kathleen -- you are very luck to have a Dr like that.  I will try one of the other two doctors, not the one who was horrible to me last year, and see how that goes.
We used to have a woman DR, she specialised in gynae things, but she has long gone.  So are you on HRT now? What are you using, and is it helping?


On a more upbeat note, I had a date last night, and I have another tomorrow with a different chap.  I feel such a fraud when I got complimented, I wanted to say "Its all smoke and mirrors you know", but I didn't. I think I'm kidding myself.

Anyway,  thank you all again so much, it makes such a difference coming onto this forum. XXXX

[CLKD]

Sorry - didn't get back - my GP prescribed betablockas as they ease anxiety surges.  I used to take 80mg at night, then it was 40mg twice a day, then 40 at night; then I had background headaches after about 5 years so dropped it to 20mg at night.  Job Done!

Feeling 'dizzy' maybe due to a nerve that gets trapped in the back of the neck, signs of normal ageing.  Mine makes me go 'oh!' then the feeling has gone 

Enjoy your date 

[Bring me Sunshine]

You are going in the right direction.  Yes that is right about the progestorone and mine is delivered via the merina coil.

The JR Menopause unit at Oxford may well be an option as I am under them and I live 23 miles away. The email for the specialist to be referred to is: [email protected]

Its great you are having dates that's a really positive step too.

The inner peace will come as soon as you are feeling better.  You are pursuing things which is super.

Keep going and dont quit x

[knorman]

I hope you had fun on your dates, some fun is just what you need!  You are very hard on yourself, I think everyone is smoke and mirrors to  a certain extent, especially whilst we go through this very odd phase. What are the usual things you like to do other than scuba dive? Try and put some more energy into doing nice stuff. I've always thought work is an excellent way to forget problems and to immerse yourself, but if work is stressful as well at the moment, you really are not getting that break from that treadmill that you sorely need. Once the better weather comes, I am sure that will help to pick you up.  I made the most of it yesterday and spent as much time outdoors as possible (the ironing can wait) knowing that Siberia was due to arrive again this weekend!

My mum has always said that our bodies do the weirdest things to us when we are anxious and stressed and I do think if you go to the Dr and find something to reduce your anxiety, be it HRT or medication to help you through, I think your symptoms will start to calm down as well. It sounds as if you are starting to make progress already and even tiny little steps in the right direction make all the difference. x