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[babyjane]

Hello poppi, I think perhaps we are long lost siblings after all. I was also physically abused but more so mentally and emotionally.

I had 12 months psychotherapy last year, privately as the NHS could only offer 6 weeks CBT which I had, but was totally inadequate.  I suffered chronic anxiety all my life but it came to a head 3 Christmasses ago when I had an panic attack when stuck in a huge traffic jam and then an emotional breakdown. I stuck it out a year and then asked the GP for help.

I am a work in progress now as I could no longer afford the therapy, but it has given me good tools to work with and I am fortunate in that my husband is supportive and is happy for me to chew his ear off when something is bothering me.  2 out of my 3 adult children are also supportive.  the other one tries but doesn't 'get it' and tries to jolly me along which doesn't work.

When I have the support I am happier to try and move along, if I am bullied I go to ground.

[Ju Ju]

Yes you have to do the 'work' yourself, hopefully with caring people walking alongside, rather than someone trying to 'fix' you or pushing you in a direction you don't want to go or not ready for?

[Poppi]

Yes, the "work" needs to be done and positive, loving and caring people are worth their weight in gold. I find I instinctly respond very badly to bullies and/or narcisstic people who remind me of my toxic mother. I wish I didn't behave badly like this but I can't help it. My sister-in-law could have been my mother's daughter and I find it very hard to let her and her bullying opinions wash over me. Any ideas how to cope? I know that I'm the only one hurting by imagining awful scenes but cant help it.
 Poppi x

[Ju Ju]

It's difficult to avoid family members, but where I can, I walk.

I have got to that place where I have taken on that I do not deserve any kind of abuse, bullying or disrespect. I know it is never about me; it is about the bully, the abuser, the other person. If they were in a good place, they would never, ever dream of treating me badly. This is a firm basis to operate. I have shut down disrespectful treatment by saying, "I wish you well, but I'm not prepared to continue this conversation, while you are disrespectful."

I think knowing that other people's behaviour is no reflection on you, really boosts your confidence in dealing with people.

I would love to try this attitude on my BIL, but am unlikely to have the opportunity. He was unpleasant from the start and as I had low self esteem, I didn't stand up for myself. DHs family trod carefully around him. For several years he hasn't come here and will only email DH, as heaven forbid, I might answer the phone! Still, DH has listed him under Nob in the phone book! We have come to the conclusion that he is ill and feel some compassion.....well I try to. He has missed out on friendship with DH, me, our children and has never met the grandchildren.

Yes, be compassionate towards people who are abusive, unkind, intolerant, judgemental. They are even harsher towards themselves. They live in a dark place.

Have you ever heard of a lady called Byron Katie? She has written some books. You can have a go at doing what is known as 'The Work', which could help you change the way you think. Have a look on Amazon and see what you think.