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[Mandz]

Hi I'm 48

Was on citralopram for 5+ years having suffered depression on n off for years!!! Had a hysterectomy 3yrs ago

After my step father passed away Nov 2014 I dipped all of las year.... By October I was struggling, went to doc and told her along with struggling I was having terrible sweats- not during sleep- and constantly tired.......
I was given ellese 1 mg and put on mirtazapiine 45mg

Fortnight or so later was feeling bit worse-got app with other doc.... Put on beta blockers propranolol 80mg

Still not getting there, and really struggling to hold it together at work n home!!!! People now aware that I'm not me and really emotional

Back to doc, told to stick with it......

Three weeks ago saw a poster at work offering 6 counselling sessions for employers in the works toilet, phoned in pure desperation, had 3rd session yesterday ( she suggested this site)

Also Week before that returned to doc ...... Signed off work for 4weeks..... And waiting for psychiatrist appointment..... And given diazepam


I actually don't feel any better..... Yesterday I cried, what seemed like the whole day.... Went to see pharmacy to ask about tablets.... Explained that I'm not getting any better......in fact I was sobbing begging for some kind of help.... She phoned the health centre and duty doc said they were aware of my case.....

I'm just off phone from doctors .... Can't get an appointment but told duty doc will contact me today!!!! I feel like a complete nutcase, like I'm continually hounding the doctor ..... But I honestly just want help, I want to be me with a purpose to my life not just opening my eyes and dreading the day starting

I can't think to shop.....I can't think to do housework ..... I just cry n cry with this horrible churned up feeling in my stomach......

I feel lonely even though I've a couple of friends I've confided in.....
My husband is trying to be understanding but I know it's getting him down...... He works hard and rarely and I mean rarely has there been a meal at home for him, I'm only managing to do the bare essentials of housework, which is upsetting me too.......

I don't want people to see me........ AND IM CRYING ..... AGAIN

[babyjane]

sweetheart you sound so sad, I don't know what to say to comfort you. Your cocktail of drugs sounds horrendous - ADs, BBs, HRT and a benzodiazepine. I take low dose AD and BB and even then sometimes I don't know which way is up.  I can't help wondering if all that medication is doing more harm than good but that is just my opinion as I am not medically trained. I guess you have to trust your doctor but I do hope you turn the corner soon for your sake and your poor husband's.

Stick with this forum as then at least you are interacting with people who can support you 

[babyjane]

It is my understanding that the 80mg of propranolol is a slow release option as I was offered it but I prefer a much smaller dose twice or three times a day as then I can control what I am taking

[Mandz]

Thank u both.... Even ur kind words make me emotional

Even watching programmes that I normally enjoy is such a struggle..... I watch the usual soaps.... But even watching them upsets me.....
I keep looking at people thinking everyone's getting on with life ..... I'm wasting mine....

My mum is 75 and I want to enjoy time with her but it's always in my head ..... What if I get too close and something happened to her... How will I cope!!!! On the other hand just now I'd beat myself up for not spending that time with her

Things like this go round and round my head........ Even reading it makes me sound ridiculous

Xx

[babyjane]

You would cope, believe me, I did. Don't let fear of losing your mum keep you away from her, don't push her away to protect yourself from feeling close in case something happens.  Cherish her whilst you have her.  I would give everything I own to have one more day with mine and say things and ask her things that I always avoided. But I have my memories of time spent with her, don't deny yourself, or your mum, that mother/daughter time.

[Mandz]

Sorry babyjane ....I don't mean to upset anyone or sound ungrateful
I lost my dad when I was 14.... And I don't think I've ever got over him..... So I totally understand what u mean

Weirdly feeling like this makes me think more of the people I have lost..... 

I just can't explain to anyone how I feel.....just an overwhelming sadness and lack of drive.....and can't be bothered....  Just want to sleep, I'm still in my bed just now

Reading and writing this makes me sound as if I'm looking for sympathy ... Please believe me I'm not....I just need to say/write it....I really want to just be me xxx

[babyjane]

The beauty of this lovely forum is that you can say what you really feel and mean without judgement so please don't apologise for being yoursef.

Right now you need support and it is here for you so keep posting.  One day you will feel better and then you can help support someone else but just now, take what you need, it is unconditional xx

[Hurdity]

Hi Mandz

 

So sorry to hear you are feeling rubbish at the moment.

You sound as though you've had emotional issues to deal with especially following your step-father's death. Also you mention you've had a hysterectomy - did you keep your ovaries because if not you will have been plunged into surgical menopause if you were not at menopause already?

Even if you kept your ovaries you don't have your periods to tell you that you are menopausal but the flushes and crying are typical of what many of us go through at this time as homrones surge up and down. Even though you have suffered from depression in the past, the hormonal turmoil during peri-menopause (or the sudden drop after after surgical menopause) - makes you less able to cope with things that you normally could deal with - or they seem much worse.

I agree with babyjane you are taking a lot of drugs and maybe you just need more oestrogen or a different type of HRT - which might mean you could come off one of the other drugs. That oestrogen dose you are on is quite low anyway. The lack of energy/drive is a symptom of depression but also of low oestrogen and testosterone too (which would have decreased if you had surgical menopause). Not sure why you have been given betablockers as well?

Personally depending on what reason for hysterectomy and whether you kept ovaries I would take more oestrogen - and preferably transdermally - patch or gel - which gives more absoprtion and beter control of symptoms.

I cried so much when I was peri-menopausal - the slightest thing would set me off - sometimes I would just be driving along and I would think about something or a situation or something that someone had said and off I'd go.

Don't beat yourself up - you will get better

 

Hurdity x

[Mandz]

I'm just so sad and feeling like I'm going round begging for help.....but nobody's really listening

I'm ashamed I'm not at my work: I'm scared my colleagues think I'm "skivving"

I my sons are 21 ( still at home) and 24..... And my hubby, I think they are like " here we go again"

My couple of friends that know text me, but I m sure they are fed up trying to reassure me that I'm " not a bother".... That I " will get there"...... And I " don't need to keep apologising "  for crying .....

I feel o far detached from everything outside my house that I'm just existing at the moment!!!

Is there anyone else feeling like this"??

[Mandz]

Thanks hurdity xx

No I've still got my ovarys...

Duty doc off phone....I've to reduce my mirtazapiine to 30mg from tonight...

I'm just at my wits end

[panda123]

My heart is aching for you as I read your posts.  I can so totally understand how you are feeling and wish I could help you - even by just giving you a big hug. I ve been where you are, begging doctors for help .   I have only been on MM for a week or so but so far I have received so much help and information.  Keep posting how you are feeling and I m sure you will get loads of support and helpful advice.  Stop being hard on yourself and feeling guilty for things that are not your fault.  Be kind and forgiving to yourself as you deserve it.
As I said KEEP POSTING - there are lovely people on this site who are all struggling with something and therefore understand.

Panda xx

[Dyan]

Me too Mandz,I have been where you are now and I feel for you.
I totally understand your desperation.
I had a breakdown 12 years ago and was diagnosed with OCD with accompanying depression & anxiety.
I was in hospital for 5 wks and a psychiatrist came to see me everyday.
I was given medication & therapy which has helped me.
Now I know what I have I can manage it. I still have bad episodes but not as many and not for as long as I did before diagnosis.
I still go into a very dark frightening place when I'm going through an episode and I feel terrible but I know I will get there and so will you.
It is a struggle and you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel but it will come.
I wish I was there to give you a hug but here's a cyber one instead
Lots love Dyan X

[coldethyl]

Can't say anything other than wishing you a calmer few days. I find that once I get in a downward spiral of anxiety that it takes a bit to get back on even keel, so give the reduction in meds a chance. As hard as it is, you need to do things to distract yourself from all the whirring thoughts so even just a short walk would help. Easy for me to say, I know, but I know that just sitting made things 100 times worse for me and when I made myself get off the bed and into the fresh air I felt more able to think more calmly about what I needed from my health care providers. It may be you need a referral to a meno clinic as they may be more able to deal with the complexities of your HRT needs and mental health support. It is a horrible place to be but you can get better with the right support. X

[Mandz]

U are all so kind...

I just feel so alone and I really don't know if I want company or not.....

The real me is up for a laugh, loves shopping and really sociable....

I just can't bare what I am just now..... And how my husband can be bothered with me is beyond me..... I keep apologising for being like this and to my friend and they keep telling me I don't need to apologise but I can't stop myself because I am sorry for being this way!!!!

I feel like I'm a waste of space just now.... I'm just taking up room, I know that sounds really self-pitying but that's how I feel xx

[SadLynda]

Like many on the forum I too have been in 'the place' you are.  I am lucky my best friend, my Mum (who is 78) and my husband helped me through, and my new GP who simply 'listened' which meant a lot and started me on Sertraline which in my case has helped me through, I realise it is not for everyone though.

I also do yoga, and had acupuncture which was also a good help.

I feel sure your friends and family are just feeling helpless with not knowing how best to help you, when all the need to do is be there - I had to tell my daft husband that all I needed was a 'hug' and maybe more often, he had not realised it would be that simple.

I am sorry I cannot be more help, but just wanted you to see there can be a light at the end of the tunnel and with the right help from your GP (or another GP?) you will get well again and become the real you.

Another hug from me.