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[CLKD]

 

In recent weeks I've had lots of physical reminders about how bad depression can/might be.  In the 1990s I was very ill.  Gradually my GP and I found an AD which helped, not a cure but certainly got me out of bed again.  Add to that a BB at night and an emergency pill 'as necessary', generally I get on OK, half a day at a time.

Because I've had depression again recently it got me thinking.  Why can memories recall the physicality of the depression as I suffered in the 1990s.  But I can't recall physically happier days? i.e. my marriage, our 25th wedding celebrations; our 30th is memorable but not in the physical sense, in that I know it was a good time, mainly in that I can't remember any anxiety; but I can't get back the 'feelings' ………. clear as mud? I can remember the joy of seeing Skye for the 1st time and we ran out of words to describe the beauty after 3 days  …….. I remember wandering around Plockton, first visited in the early 1970s and I took DH there 10 years ago.  But I don't get a thrill of pleasure ……..

Bugga ……… many years ago a Psychologist told me to 'recall the feelings you have on a good day, which will replace the anxiety you have now' ………. 

[babyjane]

For me I think that the depression (and I didn't realise I was depressed until recently when medication started to lift it) makes my emotions flat which is why I struggle to find joy in things. Everything is so flat.  But only this week I got pleasure from some new household items that I have wanted for a long time and that told me that I am starting to 'feel' again.

[CLKD]

Are you displaying said items or going to use them 

However: can you recall the physicality of happiness from years ago or is it a memory.

[babyjane]

oh they are practical items that badly needed replacing.

I can remember how I used to get excited about things I was looking forward to.  Haven't done that for a very long time.  Spent far too long dreading things but beginning to look forward to family events later in the year a little bit which is promising.

I have spent far too long fighting this and since I caved in and asked for help I am starting to see a difference.

[CLKD]

  long may it last!

[coldethyl]

Although I do always score highly on those depression assessment scales, I don't tend to think of myself as depressed just very very anxious. And if I think about times I've been panicky or anxious it can trigger those feelings in me again. Just the last week I started thinking how it all started the last time I had a breakdown in 2003/4 with headaches and dizziness and how I didn't want that to happen again and lo and behold I've now got those symptoms again.

[CLKD]

R U able to recall happiness in the same way?

[CLKD]

How does that expectation feel?

[coldethyl]

Not as much as I once could. I used to keep a diary as a kid and read them sometimes and I can get a sense of a time when I was so much happier. I can laugh about things from then but it is harder to remember any times when it was as easy to be happy in the last few years.

[Dorothy]

CLKD, is it during your recent depression that you've been unable to recall happy moments, or has it always been like that?

I can have total recall of happy moments, but it usually needs a physical 'trigger' - something I can see, taste, touch, smell or hear.  For example, a stone brought back from a holiday in NZ 10 years ago - holding it brought back total recall of the day I found it.  I can usually bring up the memory and feeling deliberately, if it was a strong one, although the 'best' recalls are always the ones that arrive unexpectedly. 

However, following my father's death, I lost this ability for several months.  I would look at a photo or touch an object and think 'yes, that was a happy time', but it was just like saying 'yes, that is a large blue notebook' - it was a statement of fact, but I had no emotion connected to it.  Looking back, I think I was suffering from depression at that time.  I can often lift 'ordinary' down moments by recalling good times, but it just didn't work then.

[CLKD]

I have never been able to feel happy times ……….. but recall of any horrors or upsets bring back the physicality.

[Dorothy]

That's really sad - I wonder if there is any way of improving your ability to recall happy times?  Might be worth looking into.  I know with dogs you can sometimes train them to associate something with happy times (e.g. a toy, owner singing to them) and then use the same thing to calm them during stressful times, so maybe it is possible to do the same thing with people? 

[CLKD]

Not for me  - bad memories have the habit of falling into my brain as I'm dropping off to sleep then I jump/jerk and go 'oh' out loud 

[CLKD]

well done!

[Joyce]

I'm like sparkle, smells & songs take me right back to moments in the past.