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[honorsmum]

My daughter is 11 and has ADHD.
She is medicated and doing ok at school, but we are finding it increasingly difficult to deal with her behaviour at home.
She can be very loud, making silly noises and screeching. She is forgetful - so even going go the toilet will take several attempts to get her to flush the loo, wash her hands etc. Getting her ready for school means supervising her, otherwise she will wander around, half dressed, looking for distractions, throw food around, pick up the cats etc.

Recently, all we seem to do is shout at her because it's so stressful - which obviously isn't helping and is making us even more stressed.

She is due to start secondary school in September, but I honestly have no idea how she, and we will cope.

Has anyone else got a child with ADHD?

[honeybun]

We have a teaching assistant and a retired school teacher on the forum so hopefully they will be along with some advice.

Have you been given a contact number for learning support at her new school.
My son is dyslexic and without learning support we would have struggled.


Honeyb
x

[clio]

How about looking into seeing if there is a support group for famileys who has a member with this condition and also a group for people with adhd. It may be a help and also you wouldnt feel alone.

Clio

[honorsmum]

Thanks HB and Clio.

We spoke to the SEN people at her new school at the open evening. They were very friendly and said not to worry, they'd dealt with lots of children like her, she'll be fine etc.
Trouble is, she IS mostly fine at school (because if the medication) but home life is very difficult at times. It is affecting her younger brother, as well as stressing us out, and I don't feel like a very good mum because I can't deal with it effectively.

She is under a paediatrician and we have asked for help, in the form of support groups, parenting classes etc but they weren't able to offer or suggest any.
I happened to see a poster for a group yesterday while shopping, so I have requested to join their Facebook group - they have a website under construction.

I just hate feeling like I'm wrecking her childhood by shouting so much and not enjoying her.

[Dorothy]

Hi Honorsmum

Have you tried doing a search for care farms in your area?  Lots of children respond very favourably to the farm environment and are much calmer after a farm visit.  There are lots of care farms that are designed with children in mind, so it would be worth seeing if there are any in your area.  I have done some volunteering at a project for children on the autistic spectrum and it is amazing the difference being around the plants and animals makes.  Also, there is sometimes an opportunity for parents to attend fundraising events etc when they can meet others in similar situations.

[clio]

I hope the facebook group offers you some comfort and help, they maybe able to offer you some knowledge from there own experiences. Try and stay positive. 

[honorsmum]

Hi Honorsmum

Have you tried doing a search for care farms in your area?  Lots of children respond very favourably to the farm environment and are much calmer after a farm visit.  There are lots of care farms that are designed with children in mind, so it would be worth seeing if there are any in your area.  I have done some volunteering at a project for children on the autistic spectrum and it is amazing the difference being around the plants and animals makes.  Also, there is sometimes an opportunity for parents to attend fundraising events etc when they can meet others in similar situations.

I haven't, but I will have a look now - thanks, Dorothy.
She is happiest when she's out in the fresh air, although even then, it is stressful for us because she antagonises her younger brother, shouts etc. It feels like we can never relax as a family, because we have to keep an eye on her at all times.

[honorsmum]

I hope the facebook group offers you some comfort and help, they maybe able to offer you some knowledge from there own experiences. Try and stay positive. 

Thanks, Clio.
Just going through a tough patch with her at the moment. Doesn't help that the weather is duff and the days are short - she's easier when she can run off some energy outside.

[BrightLight]

From my experience, as a previous TA for teenagers and a close friend who works and lives with challenging behaviour the support for you is just as important as for the child. Sadly, I think the 'gap in the market' hasn't been filled yet with easily accessible support.

At school TA's and teachers get support, time to sound off, or take a break, talk over feelings, express thoughts like you 'let the child down'. Generally debriefing and it helps enormously in gaining perspective and reclaiming personal power. Parents need similar but its harder to get.

When the tipping point happens its almost impossible to remain in a grounded, strong place which is exactly what the child and the adult need in order to 'contain' and manage the behaviours and emotions that can come thick and fast and burn themselves out equally quickly.

Sometimes I would deliberately 'switch off', detach almost, remain present to the goings on, stick with clear instruction and guidance whilst acknowledging the behaviour but not giving it attention. Sort of helping them out of it, if it was safe, I'd just let things run their course.

To do all this is exhausting at times and conserving energy and choosing how to do that is something that helps I think. Is there a way you can get support for you? Some self compassion, a list of essential things you want to improve? Like the getting ready for school routine. Take on small goals.

11 must be hormonal too. Challenging.

[nelliedee]

I do not like asking for help but will move mountains to help others but I am now realising just how damaging it is to try and carry on regardless. I look after my mum 24 hrs a day 365 days and have done for 10 years as she lives with us. She now has secondary breast cancer and I carried on and on alone and shouldn't have. You must ask for every single bit of help you can get and also stay connected with people for advice. I have friends with children with disabilitys, aspergers ect and they do the same thing, they soldier on till life seems intolerable and if we are all proactive in searching for help it will not only benefit you but it will make your daughter and the rest of the families lives a better place. x

[CLKD]

Turn this on it's head? 

Your daughter has been 'good' in School but when she gets home her energy and frustrations erupt?  It may be a side-effect of her knowing that she is moving Schools? which can be scary for any of us! I DREADED it. Would part-time Schooling ease the situation?

Does she have access to any energetic out of School activities, i.e. basketball, running, gymnastics?

My dog was great to take out and about visiting friends/family/town - but the next day she would play up, like she'd been good whilst out and about but today 

Would the National Autistic Society have any support close to you? Support workers etc.? 

[Dorothy]

Hi Honorsmum

Have you tried doing a search for care farms in your area?  Lots of children respond very favourably to the farm environment and are much calmer after a farm visit.  There are lots of care farms that are designed with children in mind, so it would be worth seeing if there are any in your area.  I have done some volunteering at a project for children on the autistic spectrum and it is amazing the difference being around the plants and animals makes.  Also, there is sometimes an opportunity for parents to attend fundraising events etc when they can meet others in similar situations.

I haven't, but I will have a look now - thanks, Dorothy.
She is happiest when she's out in the fresh air, although even then, it is stressful for us because she antagonises her younger brother, shouts etc. It feels like we can never relax as a family, because we have to keep an eye on her at all times.

There is a National Care Farm website, but it is also worth doing a search online for 'care farms southwest' or 'care farms yorkshire' or whatever your area is, as not all care farms are registered on that website.  There is also a separate site for care farms in the West Midlands.  Most of them are very experienced at looking after children with a range of needs, so the parents can relax!  Hope you find something soon.   As CLKD says, the NAS are often able to advise too, if you are not in touch with them already.

[Briony]

Definitely keep in contact with the new school's SENCo and hassle as much as possible. Don't be afraid to be a 'pushy parent'! The new Code of Practice gives you much more say in how you as a family will be supported, not just educationally but in terms of social welfare and health too. There may be an opportunity for her to have an additional taster visit before she starts too, especially if you ask.

Some schools do have access to support networks for parents of children with additional needs (and sometimes their siblings too, who can be forgotten in the chaos that ADHD can create!). Failing that, try your Local Authority's SEND Department (or an ed psych).

Finally, remember that sometimes (though not always) students with ADHD can not so much grow out of it, but learn to manage it far better. By Y10 or 11 some are even able to reduce or stop their medication. This is particularly so with girls who do often have a little more self awareness than boys with ADHD as they mature.


Good luck x



 

[honorsmum]

Thank you for all the fantastic advice and support - I really appreciate it.
I am guilty of not considering the toll stress like is takes on me - when things start to go wrong, I always think I should do even more, instead of stepping back and finding some respite to help me deal with it better.

Briony - you sound experienced/knowledgeable in this area. Does the Code of Practice extend to Wales? We have never been made aware of it, and one of the biggest areas of friction for us is how Honor's condition impacts on us as a family, and in particular, her brother. We need support in coping with the different parenting skills and strategies needed for 2 very different children, and how to differentiate with what is ADHD behaviour, and what is normal for a hormonal 11 year old.
Her current school hasn't been great in their support of her, academically - we have had to push and push and got very little back in return.
She is looking forward-to moving school, CLKD, but I do think her behaviour at the end of the school day is a reaction to having to work so hard just to cope in class.

BrightLight - I have never thought of it in terms of needing to regroup and debrief, as it were. I guess as parents we feel we should be "on duty" all the time. Talking to my reflexologist a few weeks ago, she said that she has to create a mental "bucket" for putting any negative energy that comes from a treatment she's giving - otherwise, she finds herself feeling drained and achey afterwards.

[robotwars]

Do you not have any parent partnership advisors in your area, they are suppose to work with families and put you in contact with all the support groups in your area, they also visit you in your home and give you advise.
We have a lovely book we read to children called "the red beast" - very good book , it helps children understand about their condition, there are 3 more books all very similar.....
Hope you get some help and support soon, good luck?