Hi groundhog
You have a tough situation. You clearly need more help with your mother. I am outraged on your behalf that she has manipulated you into compromising your life and marriage when she wasn't prepared to even attempt to look after her own health. I think your husband is typical of many men as they get older - self centred.
So many of us have to cope with terribly stressful times through our 50s and 60s.
My husband is a very tolerant, lovely man in many ways but I'm afraid I do view him as a dependant who needs a lot of pastoral and practical support!!! I have always said I have 3 children - two I gave birth to and one I married. Don't get me the wrong - I adore him but I accept he needs 'managing'. He is still working - though because of the type of work he does is it sporadic - sometimes I have him home all the time and sometimes he is away for weeks on end - this has many challenges and I do feel I make a lot of compromises. This makes finances very sporadic as well which can be very stressful at times. I think men get more and more child like and needy as they get older - they engage in very passive aggressive behaviour & need their egos massaged more as their confidence is knocked so easily. I also have a son with Semantic/Pragmatic disorder (problems with language and communication) but he is easier to deal with than my husband though he does need quite a bit of support on many levels.
My older sister (I think I've told you about her Crohns and many other health issues) often needs me to take her to the hospital for her numerous appointments. My mother is 86, in reasonably good health but is highly manipulative. Since I moved to Suffolk near my brother we have persuaded my mother to move here to so now my brother (who is retired) is taking much of the strain of looking after her - even though he has health issues as well!!!. My mother simply gets bored - she finds it highly annoying that I still have to work as she wants us all to be taking her out to have fun all the time!!!!
I actually feel very resentful that our parents generation generally feel it is their right that we should give up our lives to looks after them - I would certainly not want my children to put their lives and future on hold for me.
groundhog - you have your own horrible health issues to deal with and you must, must, must put yourself first - you won't be any good to anybody if you don't. You are clearly a practical lady spreading yourself very thin and your husband needs to wake up and realise he won't have you at all if he doesn't start giving you the moral support you need -
sorry !!! A bit of a rant there!!!
You take care.
DG xxxxxx