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[groundhog]

Hi ladies.  I'm cross and need to moan again
Normal day.  Took mother to town which is a challenge owing to wheelchair and her mental state - not her fault.  My husband resents the situation I am in.  I resent the fact he works as many hours as he can and comes home exhausted to avoid my situation.  We have agreed to support each other through this time as seems waste to throw away 34 years of marriage.   Tonight I feel furious.  We got back from town around 530 - my mother had been ok ish but it's not easy - dropped him off to watch rugby on tv ( normal ) I went to mothers and did chores - cleaning, washing, hoovering blah blah,  came home.  Rugby had been cancelled.  Scroll forward 5 hours.  We have had nice meal some wine.  He decides to have a go - why didn't I come home til 7 and he pinged out he only came to town as a favour to me.  It's all to do with intimacy.  Or lack of it.  He can be very shallow at times but is a good man.  Sex has taken a back seat because of meno and other stuff and he resents that too.  He admits he doesn't want to be involved with looking after my mother which makes me sad and I am already feeling very depressed.  I don't feel supported.  I have supported him through many things in our time together,  I feel like leaving.  Perhaps it would just be easier to move in with. My mother but he says he will make my life hell.
Any advice ladies. 

[Dinnie]

Oh what a horrible situation, for most it would be easy to say leave him and get on with your life, but you have been together a long time, on the other hand he can't make threats to you of making your life hell, it sounds a bit selfish of him when your dealing with meno and your poor mum, he should be giving you words of comfort making you feel worthy instead of worthless you never asked for all this, you can't let him do that to you, wish I could say do this do that but you don't need any more grief. Keep venting on here and hopefully someone will reply with a suggestion that makes you think yes that's what I'll do, keep strong
X

[honeybun]

Yes, deep breath and count to ten.

He wants you and not your mother. My hubby is exactly the same. We came to an arrangement a long time ago. My time with my mother and then my time with him. I rarely take him anywhere near. It's my problem and not his. I let off steam on the forum but not much to him. He is retired, has not got great health and the kids are mostly independent. This is our time that we have together.

Talk to him. Explain what you have to do and when. Then decide what will be the time you spend together.
No mother or sisters children or daughter or daughters housework.

Do you really want to stay with your mother 24/7.

He is angry and will say things he didn't mean to get a reaction from you.

Try and fix things so you give enough attention to your marriage.
You only walk this way once.

My Saturday is always with hubby, can't yours be to.

Sorry if all that sounds harsh but I think you need to sort your time out better and let others take the strain of your mum just sometimes.


Honeyb
x

[Dinnie]

I agree with honeybun you may need to get couple time, things can get in the way, not that I'm saying your mum is in the way but you may need to rebuild your relationship, he probably feels the closeness has gone a bit and if you find time for him say a Saturday then he won't bother what you do rest of time, talk it through with him and I'm sure you'll come to some arrangement.
Thinking of you
X

[groundhog]

Dinnie - thank you for reply.  I know he wouldn't make my life hell - I'm sure he would be gutted. He is not nasty in any way but is very set in his ways and life has taken a different direction that he doesn't like.
HB - hi - I know you can relate to my problems.  My mother does put strain but it think it's how I deal with it that's the bigger problem,  I can't get used to an irrational mother.   I try so hard to make her life bearable - she is only 75 - the day before the brain haemorrhage she was working, driving and completely independent. Now she can barely walk, can't even make a cup of tea yet thinks she is 40 and will get better.  Too much to explain on here x for example - I buy her food from marks as I want her to have nice meals - I leave notes for carers as to meal suggestions linked to what is in the fridge - she dismisses suggestions and carer makes her whatever she wants.  She had a go at me today as the chicken I had bought from marks had gone in the bin as it was out of date so I was wasting money.  Yes it made me cross as no one else give a toss what she eats!  Bad mood started.  I need to take hubby with me as mother has put on loads of weight and I can't manage wheelchair - I have chrons and multiple surgeries so I'm not strong.  There is so much more I could say but it's not fair as we all have problems .
Thank you for posting. I know my husband wants me to himself he doesn't want to share me but I'm just not sure I want him anymore. It would be easier to move in with mother but yes I would hate it but I am not making him happy and I'm not happy so what's the point.

[groundhog]

Thanks Dinnie - sorry to hear you lost your parents when they were so young,  life is so cruel.  My situation is complex - my mother refused to take blood pressure meds for Many years plus she smoked so was an accident waiting to happen.  I used to plead with her but she took no notice and said it was responsibility to look after her if something happened.  Then massive brain haemorrhage, coupled with me losing job through my own health issues and my sister ( much younger ) having twins!!!  It's been a roller coaster and I want to get off now please. 
Thanks for reply, it helps to talk.  My husband is a good man and I know he loves me but he can be such a pain at times lol.  I will hope things will be different in the morning xxx

[Dancinggirl]

Hi groundhog
You have a tough situation.  You clearly need more help with your mother.  I am outraged on your behalf that she has manipulated you into compromising your life and marriage when she wasn't prepared to even attempt to look after her own health.  I think your husband is typical of many men as they get older - self centred.
So many of us have to cope with terribly stressful times through our 50s and 60s.
My husband is a very tolerant, lovely man in many ways but I'm afraid I do view him as a dependant who needs a lot of pastoral and practical support!!! I have always said I have 3 children - two I gave birth to and one I married.  Don't get me the wrong - I adore him but I accept he needs 'managing'. He is still working - though because of the type of work he does is it sporadic - sometimes I have him home all the time and sometimes he is away for weeks on end - this has many challenges and I do feel I make a lot of compromises.  This makes finances very sporadic as well which can be very stressful at times. I think men get more and more child like and needy as they get older - they engage in very passive aggressive behaviour & need their egos massaged more as their confidence is knocked so easily. I also have a son with Semantic/Pragmatic disorder (problems with language and communication) but he is easier to deal with than my husband though he does need quite a bit of support on many levels.
My older sister (I think I've told you about her Crohns and many other health issues) often needs me to take her to the hospital for her numerous appointments. My mother is 86, in reasonably good health but is highly manipulative. Since I moved to Suffolk near my brother we have persuaded my mother to move here to so now my brother (who is retired) is taking much of the strain of looking after her - even though he has health issues as well!!!. My mother simply gets bored - she finds it highly annoying that I still have to work as she wants us all to be taking her out to have fun all the time!!!!
I actually feel very resentful that our parents generation generally feel it is their right that we should give up our lives to looks after them - I would certainly not want my children to put their lives and future on hold for me.
groundhog - you have your own horrible health issues to deal with and you must, must, must put yourself first - you won't be any good to anybody if you don't. You are clearly a practical lady spreading yourself very thin and your husband needs to wake up and realise he won't have you at all if he doesn't start giving you the moral support you need -
sorry !!! A bit of a rant there!!!
You take care.    DG xxxxxx

[groundhog]

Hi DG and thanks for your reply.  I too feel very annoyed she never looked after herself despite several warnings.  I've never admitted this before as I felt I was being selfish as no one knew she would have had brain haemorrhage because if it.  Her BP was regularly 240/120 and above so coupled with smoking and the love of gin - car crash waiting to happen ( I'm making her sound horrific here!  She wasn't but she did smoke and she liked a tipple).  I used to think to myself she is going to have a stroke and then who will have to step up?  Sounds harsh I know but my old mother was grumpy and difficult - I can't ever remember a kind word to me.  Even yesterday in the car she was saying she wanted to buy my daughter a coat and then added she would have to get one for Louise too ( my sister).  My husband says - you have two daughters mind to which she replies ' oh she doesn't want anything ' ( referring to me ).  She can be so hurtful and I know there is some brain damage but she has always been hurtful towards me.
My husband is fed up and I think I will have to try and put some rules into how we are handling this.  My sister in her way is better than me with her as she doesn't get affected by what she says so she has agreed to take her out once a week.  Like your mother DG - my mother waits for me to phone to take her somewhere - if I don't phone she stays in bed.  If I let slip I have been somewhere without taking her I will get a cutting remark.  I need to change - but I seem to stuck in a hole I'm finding it hard.
My husband has for up this morning as if nothing happened last night.  All forgotton.  Maybe I should just lighten up and stop being so intense.  But there are lots of difficulties right now as is common with so many people.  I can see you too have many commitments and I do question why am I like this?  Why am I so resentful and hateful of things at the moment. 
This forum is great for me and I am sorry I use you all as a sounding board.  It makes me realise though I am not alone and this is how life is in our 50s and 60s.  I need to make some changes to help me cope with it all.  I don't think Saturday shopping with mother and hubby will be happening again. 
Thanks all and have a good day xxx

[Henrietta]

Sorry to hear of your predicament. I have come to the conclusion that caring is a completely thankless task with no rewards . If you are not doing it for you because you have a moral obligation- i.e.couldn't live with yourself if you didn't (like me) then leave her to it. If you are doing it for you then you find the strength to deal with it. I don't have the husband experience but IMHO husbands are supposed to be an advantage and yours just sounds like a further burden so it might be time to think where you are going personally. Let him know and see if he steps up to the mark. Sorry I am in cynical mood as you can tell.

[Joyce]

I actually feel very resentful that our parents generation generally feel it is their right that we should give up our lives to looks after them - I would certainly not want my children to put their lives and future on hold for me.

So true DG. My mum even went so far as telling me the only reason she had kids was so she had someone to take care of her in old age! Hurt to the core & made me resent her more than ever. This of course was when she was in her 70s, in her 60s she didn't want to be a burden.

I agree with others make a day for you & hubby. Maybe only one day, but will give you some breathing space from the intensity with your mum.

[Rowan]

I agree with all that has been said especially  " I think men get more and more child like and needy as they get older " it could not apply more to me at this moment, three days ago my family had a devastating sudden bereavement and yet as usual I continued worrying about OH, when I so desperately needed support from him. He is OK now, IBS problems, but a little baby of six weeks has gone, my great grand son.

[Hattie]

   SL  - we have a new grandchild of 4 weeks - i know my son and wife would be devatastated in such circumstances - why is life so cruel to some ?

[Dancinggirl]

silverlady - so, so sorry about the loss of your great grand son - a terrible tragedy.
DG xxxxxxxxx

[Joyce]

   SL devastating.

Groundhog, hope you manage to find a compromise soon.

[Rowan]

So sorry to have hijacked this thread, I know we all love our OHs as groundhog and dancinggirl have said, its just that sometimes, we run out of caring mode and need to be refuelled.