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[honeybun]

My hubby is the one who says he will have to check with me  . He knows what I am like and that's fine with me.


Honeyb
x

[Milliemoo7]

Chrislm, you are so right there. Men seem not to have the guilt button that we have.  If we say no we feel bad and guilty and worry what others will think. Men just seem to say no then move on!

[Rose]

That's because women have been told that we are 'helpers' and men are 'enablers' so we get to feel the guilts! We have been allowed to be emotional in contrast to 'real men don't cry' and have been seen as inferior as a result. Hopefully this attitude is changing but it will take us women to stand up and say 'No' and not feel guilty. Sometimes I believe that we are our own worse enemies!

[CLKD]

A man is only as 'good' as the mother who raises him 

[Taz2]

Oh no!!! Please don't pile the guilt of a "bad" man on us mothers of sons CLKD!!!!

Taz x 

[lily]

Hi and happy New Year groundhog and all in this topic

Just had to say I was the younger sister with kids when this situation happened in our family, but I was also the one who did all of the running around as I drive and sis doesn't and she works full-time, me part-time.  I felt that even if she had been at work all day, she could maybe have helped me out a bit as I was getting no quality time with my young children.  Like you, I did not want to make a big thing of it as even if she was no help, she was still my sis and still at the other end of the phone to discuss worries about ill parent.  Such a difficult time though, I was frazzled and an emotional wreck when I gave in to it - I felt it was better for me emotionally to just soldier on and try not to feel hard done by.  Easier said than done sometimes though and not helped when your OH makes daft comments, agree with all the posts about how men handle/don't handle situations except I don't think it has anything to do with how mother raised them as my two sons are very different from each other.  Groundhog take yourself off for nice soothing soaks with soft music and candles whenever you can and be good to yourself. xx

[CLKD]

Children are different.  But they will let their Mums 'do' for them if allowed to 

[honeybun]

Can't blame all mothers CLKD it's really not fair. Girls will let mothers do to.

I honestly think that if you bring a son up to be respectful to women then that is much more important than if he can cook or clean. In fact I think the father has a huge amount to do with how the son views women and should lead by example.

Honeyb
x

[Taz2]

Two of mine wont allow either parent to help and one will. All male. All brought up exactly the same. Some people are fiercely independent and others are very dependent. I think this is to do with personality not upbringing. Yes, when they are children then of course they will let parents (not mum in particular) do stuff for them but once they are grown men then their own individual personalities come into it.

Maybe we need a thread to see how helpful and biddable our own menfolk are linked into their upbringing and also their place within their families when growing up?

Taz x 

[honeybun]

Good idea Taz.

Do you want to start it or shall I, or maybe CLKD.


Honeyb
x

[Milliemoo7]

I said "no" to my daughter today and didnt feel guilty.  This feels a bit like an AA meeting!  She's been staying with me a fair bit over the past few weeks and wanted to know if she could come and stay over on saturday night. I said, no sorry as I want some quality time  with my new chap.   I offered her a choice of friday or sunday night but neither was acceptable so I expect she'll be back next monday or wednesday night.

I think both parents have a good deal to do with how sons view women.  I have to admit I ran around after both of my two - one son, one daughter - but both are very independent now and prefer to get on and do things for themselves.  If anything my daughter is the one most likely to ask me to help her.

[groundhog]

Thanks again for your replies. Lily - interesting to to hear it from other side of the coin so to speak.  I don't like confrontation and I don't like saying no.  My husband says he would not put himself in my situation but he is the type who has always spoken his mind and has no qualms about saying that .  But also he doesn't seem to get stressed like I do about everything.  I asked everyone round last night for nibbles to get rid of all the Xmas party food.  She sat there yawning,  kids running wild,  me running wild,  husband huffing and puffing and her partner - who lives away - winding kids up and making them cry then criticising me for spoiling them.  I was really peed off!!!  I am my own worst enemy I know.  She has asked me to have them on the weekend for a genuine reason - I haven't replied.  Normally it would be oh yes of course and I will give them dinner if u want - always wanting to help but getting nothing back.  My oh says we get the children back which is true I suppose,  oh I don't know ladies.  I am going to be kinder to myself - take those long baths, long walks and pamper sessions, punch a few cushions maybe.......

[lily]

Hopefully not replying yet will speak volumes.  Do you think maybe you give the impression that you can handle all of this better than you do?  Maybe if you were to sit yawning, it would make them think twice?  I'm a right one to say that though as my mum put a lot on my plate and I think she thought I was better able to do the running as I had a hubby at home, could drive and did not work full-time - but again I did not let her know otherwise.  Emotionally my sister has the constitution of an ox and would not have cried herself to sleep as I did many times, but at the same time I knew that mum would not have got much sympathy/empathy from her and I felt that I had no choice but to do it all.  Enjoy those walks, baths and punching cushions. 

[groundhog]

Yes lily I used to think I gave the impression I could handle it all.  Two years ago I had a good job and I suppose I did appear confident.  But she also knows I finished work on ill health grounds and I have told her I am being treated for depression and anxiety menopause etcetera but .....nothing.  Never a kind word.  She too has a strong will but if I do say anything the tears and poor me buttons are pressed.  I am trying to back off and leave them to it.  I've been on a fowl mood today - I think I need to go back to doctors about my mood swings.  I was sort of ok then nosedived.  When I am In these depths I feel really down and depressed about everything.  I think 2 weeks of my husband being home hasn't helped!!!
Thanks again for your advice Lily and everyone. 

[CLKD]

If I even tried to tell Mum how I was feeling it was "Oh you've got a good husband" …….. and my sister apparently "got those boys to worry about, not much money and has to work long shift hours" ……… so I stopped telling her.  I still get the "got those boys to worry about" thrown at me  …… but I try not to react!