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[groundhog]

So annoyed I could scream.  Sme of you may have read my earlier posts about my difficult family situation.  Disabled and slightly brain damaged mother who I help care for ( very wearing) - I was retired on ill health and 2 was later mother had brain haemorrhage.  My plans for retirement totally quashed,  but we deal with it.  My only sister is much younger and has young children who I look after a lot, at short notice never a thank you - I also support my sister in all sorts of ways.  She asked me to have the boys today for a few hours.  She has gone out with friends and hasn't comeback as yet.  She knows the boys will be completely looked after and yet again she has taken advantage of my good nature.  I am sick of it .  I am scared to say anything as she gets even more awkward.  It's making me ill as I feel very used and very resentful.  I can't cope with it.  I have to change and lighten up to deal with this but what with meno I am very down and depressed.  I went down my mothers now feeling annoyed and worn out and all she talks about is my sister and how she worries about her.  Anyone in this situation and how do you cope.

[Trey]

Life ain't fair.  I hate to be trite, but it does seem that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.  Of course you need to set limits, and of courses it is nearly impossible after you have been taken advantage of for a long time.  Can you get away?  Been there, done that, and I've learned that the resentment ate away at me and sapped my enjoyment of life, so I just finally gave up and became unavailable.

[honeybun]

It has taken me many years, and its still a work in progress, to say Sorry but No.
My extended family may not like me as much but I am pretty sure they respect me a bit more.

There is only one person who can fix this problem and that's you. I know that if you write doormat on your forehead then people wipe their feet on you.
You don't have to do it all in one go but just be unavailable occasionally and then a little more.
You don't have to give a reason but if you feel that you do say you need to spend more time with your hubby.
Life goes past so quickly so you really need to fit in time for you and your hubby.

No magic fix but you can do it if you want to.


Honeyb
x

[bramble]

You wrote your post at 10.30pm. Did you say that your sister still had not collected the kids at this time? If that is so, it is grossly irresponsible of her esp. as she said only a few hours. You surely must have words with her about it. The only solution is to learn to say no. Yes it will be hard if you like the kids so much, but at the end of the day, they are her kids.
Make a resolution that 2014 will be your year. Learn to say no to your sister, get as much help as you can for your mum, and look after yourself more. Relax, do things just for you and your husband and get a life where you are dancing to your own tune, not other peoples.

Good luck,
Bramble

[Trey]

I just posted on another thread that I had a hyst at 32 and here's your chance.  You must REST, take nice walks with hubby, and drives with hubby and you never know when you will feel strong enough for those walks and drives so you are just going to be out of the loop for caregiving for anyone but you whilst dealing with hyst/bowel surgery.  In fact, you need to rest mentally and physically beforehand.  I'm a registered nurse and thus, you have my prescription.

[honeybun]

Can you write me a prescription too please Trey.

Just a time off for good behaviour one will do 


Honeyb
x

[Rose]

Hey Groundhog, this is just to say that if you're having hysterectomy then you really won't be available for some time. Yes people take advantage and they need a firm NO before they totally walk over you. I used to be a people pleaser but it eats away at you..all that resentment builds up and you explode! I had a huge row with my son this morning as he didn't do what I'd asked (5 times) and his big sis jumps in to save him! I very firmly told her to be quiet. I love my kids and know that you get great enjoyment from your nieces/nephews but there must be rules. That's not too much to expect! Wish I knew you as you sound like a really kind loving person. So get the op before you get older and are able to bounce back quicker. Pamper and love yourself and try saying a few NO's!
Happy New Year!

[smudgesmum]

Tell people how you feel... It is the only way.

You must put yourself first or this resentment and anger will eat away at you and you will be the only one to suffer.

Yes the first time will be difficult and I am sure your Sister will be shocked by what you are feeling as often people have no idea.

Please look after yourself and most of all be kind to yourself xx

[CLKD]

Can't add much as others have said it for me 

Make a list of what you do for your sister and what is really necessary to help her
Make a list of what you do for her children and what is really necessary for them
Make a list of what you will miss when you begin to say 'no' - it really does become easier with practice!
Put yourself first.  Tell them that you will be unavailable during the year due to your own health requirements - you do not have to go into detail or justify yourself.  If they ask why tell them what you want to, personally when I was going through breast cancer treatment the LAST people I wanted or needed were family members 
Ask DH to help compile the above - you will need his support during the pre/post op periods and he needs to be able to tell you what he will be able to deal with.

Resentment eats away.  This day I am posting a letter to my sister telling her that we are no longer buying presents - see my birthday thread, she gave me a bar of soap for my 60th  - Mum steps in to tell me that my sister is having trouble at work, is having to bail her sons out financially - sod off, those are her choices, my birthday doesn't suddenly appear on the calendar  - it's because Mother has always bailed her out that she is as she is - narcassistic and not organised!

Punch a cushion.  Works for me 

[Kathleen]

Hello groundhog and so sorry to hear about your dilemma.
I just wanted to add that if being really assertive is difficult you can achieve the same effect in a more subtle way. The trick is to give yourself a script and use it when asked to do something you don't want to do. For example be ready to say "I'd love to help out as usual but I just can't because I have an appointment/ am unwell/ too tired to do the job properly".  You don't have to apply the script every time, it is up to you when you use it but it means that people get used to the idea that you are not always available, they make other arrangements and are not offended.
I know it is hard to draw back when you are used to being so helpful but I agree with the other ladies in that you have nothing to loose and a lot to gain by being unavailable when it suits you.
Take care.
K.
 

[groundhog]

Thanks ladies for your replies.  I did try telling her last night how I feel but she hasn't responded .  She does this - as soon as I speak up she blanks me knowing the effect it will have on me.  I feel very flat today and wish she would ring but I know she won't.  I don't mind helping her out at any time but there have to be ground rules.  CLKD - a bar of soap - speechless.  I don't blame you for writing that letter .  I can't say my sister is like that - in fact she is the one who encourages me to take holidays etc and is quite generous with gifts I suppose.
I think I need to toughen up and not take things to heart.  Damned hormones are not helping.  Like the idea of punching cushions - may give that a try.
My husband says it's a sad reflection on my life that I have to speak to cyber friends. I find it helps enormously as you say it as it is so sod my husband and thank you ladies - again.x

[CLKD]

I can see where DH is 'coming from' but what rubbish    - it is often easier to discuss deep problems with a stranger, I could never have told my friends/family of my emotional problems but talking through with someone, paid, qualified, who didn't know my history was the making of me 

I have had to train myself not to say 'yes' immediately, but to ask the person to 'let me check our social calendar in case DH has booked something that day' - by the time I get back to them with a yes/no they have usually found someone else!  My sister however can stop a herd of bullocks with 'the look' - disparaging and controlling  ......... maybe your sister is good with holidays and gifts for a reason? 

[Rose]

I know this is a serious topic but you made me laugh CLKD and that is something as I am having to rest, look 4mts pregnant with Swelly Belly and have done my knee in! A bar of soap!!! That beats the magazine I was given (yes, a magazine rolled up and decorated with tinsel) one xmas.Honestly, if we step back and look at our families, we'd see them as others do but we get so caught up in the same old dramas that we can't see the woods for the trees. On another note, when you are ill, you know who your friends are. The ones who came to visit and did all they could to help are the ones i'll be keeping. As for my cyber friends, I appreciated their messages. It's time to look after ourselves! Do like your 'I'll just check my diary', CLKD too! Very smart 

[CLKD]

It took years for me to learn to say 'no' first and not be the 1 to jump in to help.  Those times I jumped in I would then feel anxious because I was then committed  ..........

[Chrislm]

I hardly know any men who find it difficult to say no, even the good, kind, caring ones! I am sure it is just that most men instinctively realise that they have the right to consider their own needs equally alongside other considerations. Women have this right too