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[Ju Ju]

Yes Ground hog!

I have found books by Robert Holden particularly helpful. He is a British psychologist, who says psychologists can tell you what is wrong, but aren't much good at making you better! He runs workshops occasionally, but so far I haven't been able to afford to go yet. I know of people who have who have found the experience life changing. Michael Neale's work is brilliant, particularly  his recent book 'The Inside Out Revolution' (We all live in our heads.) Byron Katie's work is worth a look at. You might find it useful googling them to see if their books would be of value to you. If you have a specific area you want to look at, I can consult my most valuable resource....my lovely husband!

[Joyce]

I have always over-thought things, which puts me into hyper-worry mode. Hubby says I'm only happy when I worry. I've always been like this. But I do blame my mum for it. She was world's worst. She always made me double check things, resulting in me worrying that if I missed something, I'd get the blame. And I did on more than one occasion, because I got fed up checking things!

[groundhog]

Thank you I will check these books out.  I'm much worse in the mornings -my mood and negativity lifts as the day goes on.  My mother was also a great worrier and tends to be very negative about everything at least she did before she had a brain haemorrhage.  She is now different and tends not to worry about anything except my sister.  Bit of an extreme 'cure' though - I wouldn't recommend it - brain haemorrhage devastating consequences.
I will research these books tonight - thank you.  Ju Ju  - you are lucky to have such a good source of knowledge

[Ju Ju]

Yes, I am lucky! Another book I love is 'Real Love' by Greg Baer.

Cubagirl, Yes, sounds familiar. For many years, I was so angry with my Mum. I have been able to let that anger go, which is huge, and understand why I reacted as I did. My Mum didn't know how to parent me in a way that would have been beneficial to me. Not her fault; she did the best she could with the knowledge she had. I have no idea about her own childhood experiences. She won't talk about it. She too is softer after being given ADs for pain after a stroke. Interesting. It is wonderful to know that I am worthwhile, that I am capable and that I do matter. I still crumble a bit when I am not treated well, but I have an alternative voice that is getting stronger. The voice tells me I'm OK. So are you. Just be kind to others, but most of all to yourself. Ju Juxx

[Joyce]

My mum went into mellow mode after developing Alzheimer's. But I have always found it hard to forget some of her more cutting comments, which is maybe why I'm very sensitive to criticism. Some cut to the core!

[honeybun]

I am still waiting for my mother to mellow. Don't think it's going to happen now to be honest. I know I am a bit over sensitive but she has a tongue like barbed wire and whereas in the past she might have thought before she spoke now she just lets rip.
I hate being the whipping boy but that's what happens. Hubby keeps telling me just to ignore her which I generally do but the constant niggling wears me down. She rarely compliments. The first thing she said to me this morning was my hair was a mess and my lipstick was the wrong colour. The second was I was late arriving but I would leave at my usual time. And so it goes on.
I was also told this morning that I had changed and was becoming very hard.
Day after day it goes on.
Really bothers me when I know she is just a silly old woman who should know better.

Honeyb
X

[Joyce]

Know where you're coming from HB. Even before my mum developed Alzheimer's, she could be quite cutting. My eldest was still a toddler & as a result you spend a lot of time on the floor with them. I wore trousers a lot, still do, and my mum had a go at me looking a mess and that I should dress up more. I'm no Stepford wife, never have been. However, I guess that was what was expected of her. Her most cutting one was that the only ever reason she & my dad had kids was to make sure there was someone to look after her when she got old. She'd obviously forgotten, the "Put me in a home" one. I'm afraid I lashed out at that one, as I was so hurt. She'd looked after her mum, no help from either of her sisters. She took it as a must & obviously expected me to do the same.

[orrla]

Hi

Well, Honeybun, do you confront her every now and again and stop there? Asked her to think of saying something nice for a change? Try!

Does she, herself, hear any nice things about herself?

I find that since I've become invisible because I've aged, with all my meno sufferings ignored by everyone, I say things faster then I think often amused by how easy went out this what I happen to have on my mind at that moment. No one is listening anyway..! At least this is an impression I have because no one complained yet )

[Joyce]

Can't speak for HB's mum, but mine became very bitter & cantankerous in her late 60s. Compliments were soon forgotten, to be replaced with acidic comments. I have few memories of my mum being happy, which was in part to do with her being widowed in her late 40s. My brother was always favoured. It was how she was brought up. Her brother was favoured over his sisters. It's just how things were.

It's often easier to accept the barbed comments than to let rip. It causes more ill-feeling which I know I could never live with.

[CLKD]

The worst thing my mother ever said when we were in company:

A friend's daughter had been to Hospital to have tonsils removed.  It was mentioned that the daughter had been suffering a cold but the Surgeon still performed the surgery.  My comment was "The Anaesthetist must have been happy with your over all condition or you would not have had the surgery done as it would have been dangerous" - especially a tonsillectomy.  My mother's instant remark: "Don't take any notice of her, she's only a secretary" ..........    I WILL NEVER forgive her for those words.  I was an orthopaedic secretary for 8 years, I could have done a better job than I did if we had been gifted with a good supervisor but that's another story: I worked closely with the Consultants, going into Clinic situations on a daily basis, taking shorthand notes on patients to be typed later.  I determined then that the words 'only' and 'just' would be banished from our household!

When I was about 6 years old I had an invitation to a Very Posh Party to be held in a Hotel on a Friday evening.  My Mum insisted on it being the Sat., "No one has a party on a Friday" so off Dad and I went, to the Hotel, me dressed in a white dress with a pink satin bow and shoes to match, clutching a parcel: to find that yes, the Party had indeed been hled on the Friday.  I tried not to cry but I cry internally even now.  Of course, by the time we got back to the Bungalow Mum had torn up the Invitation and put it onto the coal fire - got rid of the evidence then  .  From that day to this I have over-checked every invitation etc. we have been given  and would rather be early than late!

[Joyce]

"Children should be seen & not heard." My mum swore that she never stood by that one, but my memories are very different.

My brother got the chance of a decent career. I was encouraged to do secretarial studies at school. My other choice was train as a hairdresser. Yawn. Ended up in an office mind you,  not as a secretary but an insurance clerkess. Don't remember her making any derogatory comments about my job though. I was quite well paid, considering.

[honeybun]

My mother was very spoiled by my dad for many reasons that I can't go into. So much so that when he passed away on my 19th birthday she was not capable of doing anything much for herself. At 19 I had to look after her. She then became very focussed on me, what I did and who I was with. It was unrelenting. I was so glad to get married and leave home at 24. We were not really close until I had my first child and by that time she had married again .

If I kept hold of the hurtful things she has said to me I would be in the funny farm. She has a mouth like a man trap and when I was younger she was good at giving a good slap.
I do love her because she is my mum and has been a good grandma. Like her....no not a lot.


Honeyb
X

[Ju Ju]

The way we have been brought up has far reaching consequences to our emotional and physical health.

Yes, I am very fortunate that my Mum has mellowed. She is not the person she was. There was a time when I was ready to never have anything to do with her again. She blew up when my son cheekily took a glace cherry when she was baking a cake. Her reaction was appalling and totally unacceptable. This was how she could be with me when I was a child. She made comments that my son and my nephew were naughty. She has always been good to my daughter, niece and my daughter. My nephew recently commented he was scared of her when he was little. Mum recently commented what a naughty little girl  I was. She seems to have forgotten that the school called her in as I was too quiet and too well behaved! My dad says I was a little angel. What was going on?

Mum is loving and kind now. I see the old Mum as a different person from who she is now. I had a lot to work through to find some peace. I think had she not changed, I would have had to walk away just to survive. Loving someone does not mean you have to stick around to be abused.

[Joyce]

Just reading everybody's replies to this topic. Is it any wonder some of us have confidence issues? 

[groundhog]

My mother was very undemonstrative - I don't remember kisses and cuddles.  She wasn't very encouraging either but in a way over protective too - as in not being allowed out alone until I was about 16!!  There is 14 years between me and my sister - she seemed to dote on my sister.  She is now very affectionate but still doesn't show her feelings much.  She can come accross as very cold but I know she cares.  I think I come accross like that too .  God created a very big zoo xxx