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[CLKD]

Often we can give a response which is not what the person wants which makes them irritated so that we end up feeling that 'it' is our fault 

[Ju Ju]

People can put their own spin on what you say or do, even though it was not meant that way, because they are reacting to their own experience or how they are feeling. That's their responsibility. That's the way it is. I have learnt to let unimportant things go and when dealing with bigger issues that should be dealt with, I try to choose a moment when everything is calmer and say, "When you say/do this I feel......."  I've had to deal with awful situations and people just like everyone else. Now I am kinder to myself and kind to others. Yes I do feel hurt when I have been abused, but it is down to me how I deal with it.

I have worked with a physiotherapist and a life coach and let go of anger and other issues. Menopause or not, health issues or not, I am calmer, more at peace with myself and happier.   

[Kathleen]

Hello ladies.
Today is one of those days when I'd give my eye teeth for a bit of calm and peace of mind.
Best wishes to you all.
K.

[Scampi]

I find the "it's not me, it's them" thing very hard - I tell myself that is the case, but my 'inner demon' argues with me, and it argues loud.  As I get older, I'm finding it increasingly hard to silence the demon.

I struggle to accept compliments too - I find myself analysing the way things are said to try to find the sarcasm that must be there, as there's no way the nice comment could have been meant (a quick example yesterday - my boss was out of the office, and I answered her phone (polite and friendly), explained where she was and answered the caller's query - he said I had the nicest telephone manner of anyone he's spoken to in our office, and I spent the rest of the afternoon going over every word and nuance of the 2 minute conversation trying to find what could have provoked the comment as sarcasm).  It's my annual performance review next week, and I'm dreading it - not because I think I'm going to get an ear-bashing, but because my boss has already filled her part of the on-line process in and she's put good comments.  I've always struggled with compliments and accepting there might be things I can actually do well, but it's getting worse.

[orrla]

I can easily identify with you Scampi -I just graduated with masters degree and even this is not making me any more confident ... I think there is something from conditioning in it we get as girls - I can hear this nagging voice behind my ears telling me that I was just plain lucky to achieve Merit and it has nothing to do with my own (poor) efforts. But I also think it would help if more people could be just happy for me and cared to give some of their time to enjoy it with me - everyone I know is so busy, so wrapped up in theirs own, so barely interested ... that I do feel like I felt when I was ca 13 y.o. when ... it was very much the same.

Wow! What a rant! Sorry ladies

[Ju Ju]

My favourite prayer:

"Dear God, Help me to believe the truth about myself, no matter how beautiful it is."

Macrina Wiederkehr

[Kathleen]

Ju Ju love that prayer!
This may seem silly but in your earlier post did you mean psychotherapist instead of physiotherapist? It is just that I'm having some psychotherapy sessions myself and finding them quite unsettling and I would like to think that the end result will be as good for me as it obviously has been for you.
Take care.
K.

[Ju Ju]

Menopause brain! 

Yep, psychotherapist! I've been on a 'journey' (can't think of a better terminology, sounds corny) for the past few years. If you want to know more, can you send you send a personal message to me? I haven't had any success sending personal messages, though been able to reply. I don't feel able to be open completely on a forum somehow.

[Kathleen]

Hello Ju Ju and thank you for your reply.
I would be interested to hear your 'journey' news if you don't mind. I will contact you via the pm service when I can ( could take a while, never attempted it before ).
Wishing you well.
K.

[Hurdity]

orrla

Just to say on your Masters and getting Merit!! May I ask the subject? That of course was down to hard work - and I expect you did it while having other commitments too...

Yes everyone should be proud of and celebrate their achievements, and above all learn to be at one and be happy with themselves. From what I have read on here it sounds like everyone does as best they can in whatever circumstances they find themselevs in.

Hurdity x

[Ju Ju]

  Yes, tell us more! It would lovely to share in your success and hear a bit about your story.

[Kathleen]

Hello orrla.
Congratulations on your success and I am sure it is well deserved. I've always said to my children that they should be proud of their achievements after all they are the ones that did the work no-one else and the same applies to you. Perhaps your friends and relatives don't really understand how difficult studying at that level can be however many people do understand, so well done to you.
Take care.
K.   

[Dorymai]

Hi ladies, does anyone have this issue but with the criticism coming from yourself? I'm having real problems with this at the moment and can't seem to turn the negative comments in my head off! I feel I'm spiralling down and down..... I criticise myself, causing low self esteem, so criticise again etc etc. I know this is a bad situation but don't know how to break the cycle, completely exhausting!!

[Ju Ju]

Dear Dorymai,

Most people are their own worst critics. We have that voice in our heads that tells us we are not worthy, we don't measure up, we don't deserve the good things in life. We are not born that way, but that is the message we absorb as we grow up, perhaps relating to how we are brought up and how we were schooled. We can't stop these thoughts coming into our heads. In the past there have been lots of think positive books. Well, they made me feel worst, a failure because these negative thoughts still came, so I avoided them. Now the thinking has changed. You can't stop these thoughts, but you do have control whether you follow these thoughts through or whether you tell them to ****off.

I am fortunate that because of what my husband now does for a living, I have access to books and have gone on the odd course, which I have found valuable. I can use him as a sounding board to help me challenge persistent thoughts. Have you someone in your life you feel comfortable talking to? Would you like some recommendations of authors to look at to see if they would be of value to you?

[groundhog]

Interesting thread.  I seem to spend my whole like now analysing and over thinking situations and conversations.  I think some of it is down to technology whereby if y communicate via text or instant messaging then you can take things the wrong way.  I am hyper sensitive and seem to feel I am responsible for everyone's problems .  I find the more I do the less I get back and it hurts.  I really need a thicker skin!!  This lack of self esteem etc is much worse since the meno - I am being treated for depression but I can't say it does much.  I am not happy with my family situation but can do little to change it and so I have to change to cope with it but I am struggling.  Everyone seems more important than me and yet if I say something I cannot cope with the backlash and worry about the implications.  I hate the meno at the moment - physically it's bearable apart from the VA which does not help self esteem.  Psychologically though I am overwhelmed.  Ju Ju - I know your reply was directly to Dorymai but would it be possible for you to let us have some self help book recommendations please?
Thanks xx