Print

Please login or register.
1 Hour 1 Day 1 Week 1 Month Forever
Login with username, password and session length

[Firewalker50]

Hi Pennyfarthing

I sense your sadnessan frustration and annoyance with this.

I wonder what you could do to manage the situation with your Mum. For example, what would you do if you had no siblings. What would you put in place?  I am not sure how much time and contact you have with your Mum compared with your brother's).  And why you would not know if anything happened, however, perhaps you can think of ways that you would know or could be told - assuming you have no siblings.

I would not like to be in your position and I hope you can a way to separate yourself in such a way they have no influence over your thoughts and life.

Fx

[Pennyfarthing]

Hi Pennyfarthing

I sense your sadnessan frustration and annoyance with this.

I wonder what you could do to manage the situation with your Mum. For example, what would you do if you had no siblings. What would you put in place?  I am not sure how much time and contact you have with your Mum compared with your brother's).  And why you would not know if anything happened, however, perhaps you can think of ways that you would know or could be told - assuming you have no siblings.

I would not like to be in your position and I hope you can a way to separate yourself in such a way they have no influence over your thoughts and life.

Fx

That's a great post and has really made me think.  In fact I am going to mull that over in bed tonight and report back tomorrow.  The good thing about this forum is that everyone sees things from different perspectives. Thanks.

[Firewalker50]

Look forward to hearing your plan of action

Fx 

[CLKD]

Any news?

[Spadger]

Update of my situation: daughter (a) who was not speaking to me initially is now speaking to me, daughter (b) is still speaking to me but seems to have distanced herself from me slightly. 

Daughter (b) has said that she has tried to contact Daughter (a) several times, however Daughter (a) denies any such attempts.  They met at a family gathering recently and daughter (a) tried to initiate talks with daughter (b) which was met with a civil if stoney faced response...and which now seems to have broken down to not speaking at all (as they live 70 miles apart this is not difficult). 

Christmas is a worry at the moment, first time in my adulthood that I am not cooking for all and sundry as we were invited to daughter (b)'s house for Christmas which hubby & I accepted - she also invited daughter (a)+fiance before the fall out - presumably now she has 'uninvited' her - without actually voicing it.  Now wish I was cooking for all and sundry and let those who want to turn up do so.... feel torn about going to daughter (a)'s house and daughter (b) not being with family/me as I know she loves a big old fashioned family Christmas.  Toyed with the idea of disappearing on a cruise for Xmas/New Year but not sure if that would make matters worse and make me feel even more sad. 
  Spadger x

[purplenanny]

Oh Spadger, what a mess. You must be feeling terrible and it would be difficult at any time of the year, but with Christmas coming it is horrible.
I think I would go for the cruise and keep out of it all. Unless you can all get together and clear the air - but not sure how feasible that would be?
Sending you a hug and lots of support
Purplenanny x x

[Bette]

If you think that if you would enjoy a cruise, I think that's a great idea. It might be a wake-up call for them both apart from anything else.
Bette x

[Firewalker50]

I feel for you Spadger.  I wonder if you feel worse than they do?

Christmas is a challenging time for many families.   If you feel like going away, versus the potential upsetting vibe at Christmas, then go ahead. 

At first I thought, you had already accepted daughter (a) so go ahead as was planned.
Or, you could discuss with daughter (a) and (b) and suggest you have everyone at yours.

On the other hand, if you simply do something for yourself and go away, perhaps this will give them a wake up call.   You can simply say that you do not wish to be in the middle of all the squabbling at Christmas time so you are taking time out for yourself this year and perhaps it will be back to normal next year.

Follow your heart.

Fx

[ellie]

You wouldn't have time to feel sad on a cruise, so go and enjoy yourselves. Better than wondering  whitch daughter you might upset. They would get over it, and you never know, they might have made up by the time you got home.

[Pennyfarthing]

Hello Spadger and sorry things are still no better.  Did you ever send them the letter we spoke about?

I honestly would go on the cruise with your hubby and forget the lot of them.  They're not kids anymore and you deserve a peaceful Xmas and a bit of sun would surely do you good!

You might even find that with you away they contact each other to compare notes on what made you decide to go away.  Just tell them the truth - you felt like a change this year!

TBH I would give my right arm to go away (just once) for Xmas.  Hubby always wants to be at home, so does DD and son will come home, although I know if I said we were going away he'd be fine and do his own thing.

[Suzi Q]

No Spag
I understand exactly how you feel
Last year dinlaw woke up went to her MUMS 10mins away didnt come back till 1pm they were supposed to be at ours
They arrived 1.30 or so opened their presents and chatted then we had Salad Trifle etc (we are in Ozz)
At 3.30pm son said MUM we need to go soon I said what yuve only been here a couple of hours he said
We havent opened our presents to each other yet and have to be at her MUMS for Xmas diinner at 6pm
Hang on said I why cos she stayed too late at her MUMs I was fkin furious so by 4pm they were gone
They spend Xmas eve wiuth her family Xmas morning and Xmas night I get the bits left over
So I said as theyve moved in to a big new home Why dont we come over 1pmish bring the Ham sald Trifle bit etc
You lay the table get crakers and drink and we will have it at yours if oyu like that way no rush for her at her parents
No drive there and bavck to us 1hr round trip and no leaving early which upsets me they said YES
Bobbles said bloody hell love all this so we can spend time with son he doesnt patic like dinlaw and what about r dinner
He said it takes 1 and a half hours to get the Webber hot to put the pork on then 2 hrs to cook if we get home at 4 pm it wont go on till 5.30ish then 2 hrs to cook so 7.30 at the earliest to eat I went mental I said OK I made a mistake IM soory shoot me I didnt tthink I thoought it would be a better solution OK you tell son its opff or we come earlier say 12pm leave at 3pmish he said but what if she stays at her MUMS till 2pm all this to see son
If I could sod off I would go some where ahhhhhh but I want to see my son on Xmas day so its on for this year anyway

[CLKD]

For 3 years we escaped the routine of the previous 35  ::)but now that Mother is alone .........

I would change my mind and tell both daughters that you and your husband are having C/mas day at home alone ..........    you will probably never know exactly what triggered their falling out, my sister and I will never get on for long and it's better that we don't see each other.  We speak on the 'phone when necessary.

[Spadger]

Still unsure - Hubby has now explained that he is not that keen to go away for xmas, and that we would offend the daughter who has invited us for dinner if we did not go - I'm trying to convince myself that 'it's just another meal' and we can do our own thing for the rest of the time off work... I feel for the other daughter who will be left out of the family festivities but will try & spend some time with her too.  What a mess, I never thought it would come to this.  So busy at the moment, just trying to do xmas shopping is enough to worry about!
p.s. yes Pennyfarthing I did write, and it helped in that I am no longer a referee, they just talk to me about other things and skirt round the issue! 

[Pennyfarthing]

Still unsure - Hubby has now explained that he is not that keen to go away for xmas, and that we would offend the daughter who has invited us for dinner if we did not go - I'm trying to convince myself that 'it's just another meal' and we can do our own thing for the rest of the time off work... I feel for the other daughter who will be left out of the family festivities but will try & spend some time with her too.  What a mess, I never thought it would come to this.  So busy at the moment, just trying to do xmas shopping is enough to worry about!
p.s. yes Pennyfarthing I did write, and it helped in that I am no longer a referee, they just talk to me about other things and skirt round the issue!

Good.  I think you've done all you can then.   If they're skirting round things that's good in a way because they must understand now how much all this has upset you. 

I'm just thinking out loud here but is your hubby more bothered about offending your daughter than he is of you having a peaceful Xmas?   I don't feel you will enjoy yourself on the day because you'll probably be thinking about the left-out daughter. 

You're right it is a mess and family stuff like this makes my insides go into knots. 

[CLKD]

The left out daughter has made choices.  Could it be that she isn't keen to continue with the rigmarole of C/mas?  How many people are honest around this time of year?  It took us 38 years to break the routine  but eventually we were so physcially and mentally worn out by trying to please everyone that I said NO MORE!

Maybe get together the week before with both of them separately ............. explain what you and your husband plan to do