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[Spadger]

Hi everyone,

I feel very upset that my daughters have fallen out (big style) and I feel torn apart.  Both are engaged, and have both recently announced wedding dates, which coincidentally have ended up within 3 months of each other (which has caused a massive argument as one is accusing the other of 'stealing her thunder' and how could she think it was ok to arrange to get married so close together).  There was never any sibling rivalry/nastiness when they were children, but now it seems unbelievably that it has just begun!  Both have been on the phone in tears to me and I have made it clear that I do not want to be in the middle acting as referee.  They are not speaking to each other, and one of them is not speaking to me as she feels that I am on the side of the other and has indicated that she will just arrange a quick wedding to which none of us will be invited... o.m.g. what a mess. 

I have always tried to treat them equally and as individuals if that makes sense, as they are very different personality-wise.  We have all got on really well as a very close knit family unit up until now, I can't stop crying.  Any advice welcome. 

Spadger 

[CLKD]

First of all a  ......... then ring them both and tell them to begin acting like adults and they will be treated as such.

My sister and I rarely speak.  We simply do not get on.  I don't miss her.  I don't think about her very often .........

of course if these girls had got their acts together they could have had a big joint celebration  ..........

[Joyce]

I'd hate it if my two kids fell out.  Are their weddings soon, in which case it's maybe nerves. 

Personally feel like they need to sort this one out for themselves.  It's not fair to have you as piggy in the middle.  Tell them that neither of them are being fair on you or themselves.  Do they really want to cause so much friction that they fall out over what should be the happiest days of their lives.  They should be excited for each other.

[limpy]

Spadger - Sorry you are feeling so down.

If they are grown up enough to get married, they should behave like grown ups. 

Ask them if they know how they are behaving, and how it makes you feel, oh and what it makes them look like generally.

This is not your fault.

[Pennyfarthing]

Oh Spadger - I feel so sorry for you.  I know everybody communicates by phone and text but in this case I think letters are in order!!

Print off 2 copies of the same letter and send one to each and tell them they are BOTH getting the same letter.  When it's in black & white they can't then say "Mum said so and so ...." or misinterpret your words.

First off say you're really sad and upset about this.  Keep it simple I think.  Repeat that you're not taking sides and you always treat them equally and that all you want is for them to have lovely weddings and no fallings out.  You could also say that you are now stepping back and do not want to be involved in any arguments but they are both welcome to come to yours together any time and tell you what they have decided to do.  They're grown women after all!

[flushtered]

Hi Spadger

Such a shame at a time that should be exciting for all and you caught up in the middle.  I like to write things down to express my feelings, so think that Pennyfarthing's advice is good - it would give them time to think and to keep re-reading it while they try to sort it out.  I would imagine that a joint wedding would be hard to do though, too many people to invite for a start.  You could point out what would be wrong with them getting married 3 months apart?  They would still both have a great day with the people they want there and could discuss all their plans with each other - be a sounding board for each other's ideas and promise not to copy the other?  You could also point out that the ill-feeling won't be going down well with their intended spouses as men hate arguements, they don't want to put their OH's off altogether.  Try not to let their battles get to you, they might be best pals soon and you'll have put yourself through misery in the meantime. x

[limpy]

Pennyfarthings advice really does seem a good way to go

[Spadger]

Thank you everyone for your replies and good advice, I've always loved having 2 girls and I never thought that it would come to this, especially now that they are grown up - supposedly. 
One of my daughters rang me yesterday about something completely different (completely skirting the argument etc and avoiding mentioning either her sister or wedding plans), and we had an ok conversation although a little strained.  I have to say I was relieved that at least she seems to be (a) talking to me, and (b) just getting on with her life!  She is the level headed one who has always listened to advice and not really rebelled. 
The other one is very hot-headed (a bit like me) and has always done exactly what she feels is right, although at times has come back and said things like 'you were right about that Mum', so I hope that eventually she may come round to things. 
I am anxious however that things will never be the same between the girls after this - some very venomous things have been said and cannot be taken back - and also that I have lost one of my daughters for the moment - hubby says she'll need me before I need her though! his typical way of simplifying life  
I know it's early days, and I also agree that maybe writing a letter will be the best way forward.  I also can't really see the problem at all of them getting married quite close together (other than finding the money!), it's like there's some unwritten rule somewhere which I am obviously not party to. 
I really appreciate the support you have all shown, (and am now crying again...), I don't feel that I can discuss this with anyone else right now, so your help is invaluable. 
So thank you all very much, you are all so kind.
love Spadger x

[CLKD]

It seems that underneath it all there have been resentments bubbling away and now they each feel that their thunder has been taken on what should have been 'their' day    ........... parents often do not see the niggles within the hierachy of their children.  Mine certainly did not but I was told in March this year something which cleared my head a bit by someone who watched closely - apparently when I got told off big time it was ALWAYS my sister that had initiated the argument  but my parents would/could not see what was happening.

It's a stressful time this marriage lark  - will you wear the same outfit to both or would that be seen as 'wrong' 

[Joyce]

I think that maybe, given time, your girls will settle down and realise they need each other and most of all they need their mum!

Stay strong! 

[Suzi Q]

I have 2 cousins exactly the same 60 and 57 sisters who were as kids close as anything
From the moment they were engaged and married had kids its like a tinder box they are always arguing
I lost it with them a few months back got them on the phone and Skype
Told them to F grow up Ive bloody kowone
I said to both of them imagine your me 1 son &his wife my  brother&Mum dead a neice I see every 3 years  and a Dad
You have 5 siblings all married  and thier husbands or wives 30 kids all adults now between you all
8 of those kids have had kids themselves 7 at last count plus you have a Dad and my Dad as oyur Uncle
Then your MUM had 10 brothers and sisters at5 last count over a 100 family members that are close
Yet all the pair of you do is row you are sisters only the 2 of you girls Ive sod all you should be bloody ashamed
Did it work NOPE they said AH but Suzy oyu dont know what she/shes like I slammed the phone on them
There must be or have been some underlaying rivalry between them may one is thinner prettier
Maybe ones hubbie to be is a better earner has more money jel is an ugly thing unless you know the reason keep out

[Spadger]

Don't think I would wear the same outfit to both weddings CLKD - after all this stress I think I deserve 2 outfits I also think you may be right - there probably have been resentments as the girls are so different, have chosen different paths/lives and therefore have had different 'bits of me' in help/support etc, although I always try and be fair and share myself out! 
Suzi Q - i understand exactly what you're saying; I too have practically nobody except my daughters & my husband, no siblings of my own and no close family left alive now, so I think that's what is making me so upset - that they have each other and are throwing away the opportunity to plan their respective weddings together.  I know they will want totally different days/dresses/venues etc so I don't think there will be much copying going on - and so I really cannot see how this all came about. 

I am trying to compile a letter in my head at the moment to send to them both and again I thank you all for your very thoughtful and helpful comments. 

Love Spadger x

[Pennyfarthing]

Don't think I would wear the same outfit to both weddings CLKD - after all this stress I think I deserve 2 outfits I also think you may be right - there probably have been resentments as the girls are so different, have chosen different paths/lives and therefore have had different 'bits of me' in help/support etc, although I always try and be fair and share myself out! 
Suzi Q - i understand exactly what you're saying; I too have practically nobody except my daughters & my husband, no siblings of my own and no close family left alive now, so I think that's what is making me so upset - that they have each other and are throwing away the opportunity to plan their respective weddings together.  I know they will want totally different days/dresses/venues etc so I don't think there will be much copying going on - and so I really cannot see how this all came about. 

I am trying to compile a letter in my head at the moment to send to them both and again I thank you all for your very thoughtful and helpful comments. 

Love Spadger x

Get drafting it on the computer.  Once you're happy with it,  print  off 2 copies and post.  I'd also make it clear in there that this is about how YOU feel (regarding their falling out) and that it's tearing you apart and therefore, not to expect any further discussion on this because your piece is said.   They're adults and they should appreciate what you're saying and doing to solve what could be a very lengthy falling out. 

[limpy]

Suppose it's to late to suggest eloping............
Might be worth putting in the letter

As PF says, draft the letter, and make it clear that the situation is tearing you apart. Hope things calm down

[CLKD]

New hat, bag and shoes too