Menopause Matters Forum
Menopause Discussion => All things menopause => Topic started by: Moonshine54 on April 10, 2023, 06:42:13 PM
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I have really struggled with my hormones over the hoilday weekend. I have just had words with my hubby. He knows i am struggling but doesnt offer support. I have made dinner and again done most household jobs. He said i have been in a bad mood most of the day and have taken it out on him.
I just feel so upset 😡 angry and unsupported. I told him that he is very selfish. He just put his ear phones on . I just feel so dismissed. I know its probably my hormones but I dont feel supported. He has eaten a full dinner and never offered to even make me a cup of tea. :'( sorry for the rant xx
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My husband can be the same re household chores and making dinner!! Unless I ask him to do something he doesn't and at times it makes my blood boil. Luckily for me he always manages to make me laugh, even when I don't want too. So your not alone 🥰 xx
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U rant away! Have U printed off 'advice for husbands' from the Forum to hand over. Some simply don't realise how hormones may impact on every1! It's not something we can snap out of.
MayB you need to sit down and sort out a rota. After all, if he lived alone ........... :-\ does he nag if chores get left? Mine wouldn't dare! He's quite capable of picking up [and does, often] cleaning kit etc.. He avoids the dishwasher and laundry room but if push came to shove ;-).
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Aww that's ok,rant away.
I think it can be difficult for our husbands too,we turn into theses snarling humans when we used to have no cares in the world BUT like when pregnant,the hormones are to blame. My OH doesn't cook or do dishes but he does work hard and does tons of diy round the house so I can't complain.
Would your hubby read the advice for husbands thread? Maybe reading about it might sink in more than you trying to tell him.
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It may not help you really Moonshine, but I understand all that you strive to do and personally, in a way I do appreciate you!
Hormones have a massive impact on some of our lives, a mad rollercoaster, up and down all over the place. It is hard for us going through it to grasp it, let alone for those around us. Well done for saying to your husband how you feel. Are you on hrt or any other regime to help you?
I have just replied to someone else here that it really is ok to take a bit of time out for yourself. You need it.
Whilst I can't really offer much real help I am sure someone will be along with advice. Please rant away. Fair to say I do my own share of ranting and reaching out for support on this forum.
Sending you a hug Moonshine.
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Thank you for all the kind words. I have been well for such along time that it has come as a shock to both us.. I am mirena coil and 75 evorel parches . It has worked well for me and i haven't had a period or symptoms since last July. I went on a long haul flight recently and suffeted jet lag. I am sure it has kick started something. I have horrendous PMT. It woukd just be nice to be appreciated for him that i try to carry on a d get things done. I amsure he would take to his bed for a month . Thankyou again you are all really kind xx
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Sending a hug. I’m a hormonal mess at the moment and when we feel this way things can quickly mount up and overwhelm us. I’m finding the basics of keeping a house running difficult and feeling unsupported too. Rant as much as you need to. We hear you and we understand what you’re going through.
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I can sympathise! Even when we know deep down it’s the hormones making us so down sometimes, it would be nice if they could understand us a little more. My hubby and kids both automatically tell me I’m being unreasonable/paranoid when I try to explain why I’m upset about something - even when I feel like I’ve got every reason to act the way I am.
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Hi Moonshine54,
Sorry to hear you feel so bad today. It can feel that Men are literally from Mars especially at this time of our lives. I also think society and social media puts a lot of (subliminal) pressure on all of us to be living our best lives on bank holidays and special days e.g. Mother's Day and generally that is not the reality of life - someone has to wash the dishes.
I expect your husband loves you deeply but doesn't really know how to handle things at the moment, hence the headphones (going into his cave). Like the others have said the advice for husbands is very helpful - I read it out to mine a few years ago and since then he does appear to try to understand when I have my (many) moments of not feeling/behaving "normal" even if he does look a bit blank at times. I think it must be really hard for them seeing us behave/feel differently and they don't know how to deal with it anymore than we do (Not that that is an excuse for them). My husband gets upset because he feels he can't do anything to fix things.
Hopefully when you are feeling a bit better you can get a moment to explain to him how you are feeling and he will start to understand how overwhelming this phase is and you need him and his support more than ever.
Sending you Very best wishes and support X
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Sometimes we don't even know how we are acting,I've just realised my hormones are on the move again and this morning my OH said....are you ok? You haven't been the happiest these last two days 🙀 I just wasn't aware I was showing anything outwardly. Sadly for some,the meno eats up who we used to be,I know it has for me and I miss the old me,I'm sure my OH does too :(
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That's lovely Dotty :thankyou:
jaypo - he needs a hug ;-). Mine always knew when a period was due even when I had forgotten ::)
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It sounds to me you have been too good a wife and now its your turn to have some attention its not there for you.
It's the aging process, a phase we go through and with that we need to change the way we used to do things.
Our life has changed a lot as we have aged, I continue to do all the cooking, the washing, light dusting but my husband does most of the heavy work like hoovering, digging the garden, diy, all things I find difficult to do now.
Its all about compromise and helping each other out as we go on this bumpy journey called old age!
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Totally know where you are coming from. I don't think a lot of men have a clue just how rotten hormones and also lack of hormones etc can make us feel not to mention lack of sleep etc. Look after you and put yourself first sometimes --- its not selfish it's caring for yourself. Lack of support is really hard to deal with when you are feeling rough. Sending hugs and empathy xx
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Thank you so much for lovely words and i agree they are definitely from another planet. He hasnt spoken to me today and has told me i was terrible last night. I guess its a work in progress. I wish he would even look into things or read up the menopause. Thankyou again it means alot xx
quote author=DottyD68 link=topic=65711.msg903238#msg903238 date=1681165761]
Hi Moonshine54,
Sorry to hear you feel so bad today. It can feel that Men are literally from Mars especially at this time of our lives. I also think society and social media puts a lot of (subliminal) pressure on all of us to be living our best lives on bank holidays and special days e.g. Mother's Day and generally that is not the reality of life - someone has to wash the dishes.
I expect your husband loves you deeply but doesn't really know how to handle things at the moment, hence the headphones (going into his cave). Like the others have said the advice for husbands is very helpful - I read it out to mine a few years ago and since then he does appear to try to understand when I have my (many) moments of not feeling/behaving "normal" even if he does look a bit blank at times. I think it must be really hard for them seeing us behave/feel differently and they don't know how to deal with it anymore than we do (Not that that is an excuse for them). My husband gets upset because he feels he can't do anything to fix things.
Hopefully when you are feeling a bit better you can get a moment to explain to him how you are feeling and he will start to understand how overwhelming this phase is and you need him and his support more than ever.
Sending you Very best wishes and support X
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[Aww bless you ...sending a hug back xxx
quote author=Fizwhizz link=topic=65711.msg903231#msg903231 date=1681157549]
Sending a hug. I’m a hormonal mess at the moment and when we feel this way things can quickly mount up and overwhelm us. I’m finding the basics of keeping a house running difficult and feeling unsupported too. Rant as much as you need to. We hear you and we understand what you’re going through.
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Thank you for all the lovely replies it means such alot that you care. It can be a very tough journey at times .i am.not sure my husband will ever understand. He still isnt talking to me and i feel more upset and angry 😡 . I feel let down disapointed xx
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I can't bare people who sulk.
If it happened here, I would down tools completely. Separate washing boxes so that I could do mine and not his ....... etc.. Or I would get really angry and slam down a cup of tea beside him, "What exactly is your problem? U R not fighting in Ukraine or Russia so get yourself together and realise that I cannot help my hormonal upheavals". Then it would be back to washing my crocks, clothes etc. ;-).
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Oh I hate that too,it's very childish and things NEED to be talked about,I'm so lucky I have a OH who understands (well,almost) but it is a very difficult thing to explain.Is there no way,you can sit down with him? Maybe start by saying....I love you but you need to know what I'm going through. When I look back and remember what I put my OH through, I feel bad,it's a shock for them too.Hope you get things sorted xx
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I hope that he stops sulking. Attention seeking ? How long does this situation usually continue for :-\ and who breaks the silence?
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Thank you all for kind replies. I am now too angry to speak to him. I dont think he tries to understand. I am not doung anymore cooking for him or washing. He never does either. I know alot of this is me but i feel let down. Thank you again for checking on me and caring xx
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A sad situation but not at all unusual. I hope you can work it all out eventually!
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Do either of you work?
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I work fulltime ..he is semi 'retired . It just makes me feel worse . I work at home but do cooking washing. He does clean etc.... i am more upset that he hasn't supported me and still isnt talking. I am worried for my marriage to be honest. X
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Many worry about relationships during The Change - print off advice for husbands, leave it for a few days then approach the fact that you are a) not responsible for your hormone upheavals and b) you are not responsible for his reactions!
Let us know how you get on. R these feelings cyclical?
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Such a shame, I really sympathise with you,it's horrible living like that,like clkd says,maybe print off the advice for husbands and just leave it lying for him
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I know i think it puts a massive strain on relationships. I feel a bit like a crazy women at times. I will print that advice off and leave it lying about. He is speaking to me but doesn't really understand. He just tbinks i was trying to start an argument. Xx
uote author=CLKD link=topic=65711.msg903528#msg903528 date=1681321117]
Many worry about relationships during The Change - print off advice for husbands, leave it for a few days then approach the fact that you are a) not responsible for your hormone upheavals and b) you are not responsible for his reactions!
Let us know how you get on. R these feelings cyclical?
[/quote]
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I had alot of cyclical issues all my life and through this stage. However i hadnt had a period since last july and havent had amy issues until now. I am blaming jet lag. Its easing a bit now but has been horrendous. I am hoping its a last surge xx
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:(
I have really struggled with my hormones over the hoilday weekend. I have just had words with my hubby. He knows i am struggling but doesnt offer support. I have made dinner and again done most household jobs. He said i have been in a bad mood most of the day and have taken it out on him.
I just feel so upset 😡 angry and unsupported. I told him that he is very selfish. He just put his ear phones on . I just feel so dismissed. I know its probably my hormones but I dont feel supported. He has eaten a full dinner and never offered to even make me a cup of tea. :'( sorry for the rant xx
Hi Big hugs hunni I can totally relate!!!
Its like you were describing myself and my hubby. Men can be v v selfish.
I like you feel very unsupported at times and do a lot but getting very little done for me.
I hope your feeling better now our bloody hormones are a pain.
Xxx
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Thank you for all the lovely replies it means such alot that you care. It can be a very tough journey at times .i am.not sure my husband will ever understand. He still isnt talking to me and i feel more upset and angry 😡 . I feel let down disapointed xx
Hey hunni
Men are like big sulky kids at least mine is and yours sounds the same. Let him stew. You have enough to deal with!
This situation you describe is so similiar to what I encounter.
I do alot for my hubby and son and get very little done for me and when we are feeling overwhelmed then yes it is annoying.
I know men cant multi task as quite often I am ironing and making the tea whilst running a bath for my son. But when it comes to multi tasking rather than juggle a few tasks like me hubby asks which task I want to do and he will do the other! Maybe use this with you and your hubby as I use it back and it seems to work!
I was just as angry as you a couple of days ago as similiar issue. I was ironing and my son wanted something to eat. So I asked hubby to pop into kitchen and put oven on. His reply "Ahh but I am seating down!"
I kept calm and said "well get up then".
Luckily the crazy anger rages didnt surface but if it had his response would of been I was being moody!!
Bloody men!
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Men >:(
Did he get up to switch on the oven?
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I think a lot of men are mollycoddled by their mothers from the get go,so they expect their wife to do the same,my OHs mother had not time for her children,in fact in this day and age she would've been done for child neglect,so maybe that's why he's not the way some men are 🤷♀️ My ex WAS like how you describe and maybe that's why he's my ex >:(
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Men >:(
Did he get up to switch on the oven?
Yes he did after much sighing!
Honestly! >:( >:( >:(
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;D mayB a word about the sighing .......... ask him whether he would prefer to employ a maid 3 times a week to give him a break ;)
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;D mayB a word about the sighing .......... ask him whether he would prefer to employ a maid 3 times a week to give him a break ;)
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D I have said this to him many a time in the past. The point is I cook tea everynight as I am home from work first and this was to make food for his son!! Just lazy like I say xxx
Like Moonshines lovely husband my hubby will put earphones in if I start to raise a point that is valid frustrating is not the word especially if my anger is raging due to my lovely hormones! Totally and utterly pee'd off is. And I just then feel like doing a Shirley Valentine!! Oh if only :D :D :D :D
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That's got nowt to do with hormones! That's plain rude and inconsiderate. It would happen once here! After which the ear phones would be in the recycling bin and a letter from the Solicitor offering Divorce Papers would be on their way.
HOW DARE HE ! :beat: :kick:
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I wouldn't put up with that either (earphones) although his wouldn't be put in the recycling,he'd be have them surgically removed >:(
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I'd fish them from the recycling to take to a charity shop ;D
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;D
That's got nowt to do with hormones! That's plain rude and inconsiderate. It would happen once here! After which the ear phones would be in the recycling bin and a letter from the Solicitor offering Divorce Papers would be on their way.
HOW DARE HE ! :beat: :kick:
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
In situations like this I just get my car keys and go for a drive and as other wise I would just lose it.
I will be doing the same to him at somepoint as thats how he learns when he is on the receiving end. ::)
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I wouldn't put up with that either (earphones) although his wouldn't be put in the recycling,he'd be have them surgically removed >:(
;D ;D ;D ;D I just laugh at him when he acts like this as I tell him he is a sulky child!
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I would lose my cool. That would show him!!!
What do you intend to do ? This is abuse you know. Men can no longer claim ignorance, there's enough information out there about most diseases, conditions, illnesses.
I am fuming - my DH wouldn't dream of ignoring me in that way, his case would be packed, out on the drive for all to see and locks changed. Pronto.
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I would lose my cool. That would show him!!!
What do you intend to do ? This is abuse you know. Men can no longer claim ignorance, there's enough information out there about most diseases, conditions, illnesses.
I am fuming - my DH wouldn't dream of ignoring me in that way, his case would be packed, out on the drive for all to see and locks changed. Pronto.
He didnt know what I am going thru with peri meno and Ive explained alot of things to him since. So he understands better now.
Not using this as an excuse but my mother in law wasnt the best as he was growing up. Lots of reasons but used to have rages of anger and is a hypochondriac so is always looking at what she may have illness was all the time!
When he was younger she used to follow him around the house nit picking he hadn't done the house chores properly etc and wouldn't let matters drop. I have seen how unbearable she can be. I feel divorcing someone over this is extreme as relationships have ups and downs. I just walk away to diffuse the situation.
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Morning. You R enabling him ::).
I didn't mention divorce ;-). My suggestion was to bring it to his attention that attitudes need to change.
Who usually breaks the impasse? My s-in-l tried laughing at her husband and ended up with a black eye :-X
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I am lucky in that my poor confused husband who often bears the brunt of my peri madness, realises that I have actually had to change my own attitude, in that so am not physically capable of being able to do all the tasks I need or want to do. He is supporting me as he tries, like me, to understand how Crap I feel
I have learned to to cut down on some things, and not justify my need to go for a walk on my own when I am really bad and need to get away. My version of going for a drive.
Is it an option to explain that you just cannot do everything that you were once able to do. I am the world's worse in asking for help, sometimes so expect my husband to know what help I need as traditionally we have both done our own chores around the house.
Sometimes we just can't do it all anymore. So... Maybe is it possible leave some of the less important jobs??
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Morning. You R enabling him ::).
I didn't mention divorce ;-). My suggestion was to bring it to his attention that attitudes need to change.
Who usually breaks the impasse? My s-in-l tried laughing at her husband and ended up with a black eye :-X
Yes I have brought it to his attention if he was ever physical with me it would the last time.
We both discuss it when tempers are calm
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That's got nowt to do with hormones! That's plain rude and inconsiderate. It would happen once here! After which the ear phones would be in the recycling bin and a letter from the Solicitor offering Divorce Papers would be on their way.
HOW DARE HE ! :beat: :kick:
Hi CLKD,
You do mention divorce hunni in this post. It has all been discussed and sorted and he admits he needs to do more and will so time will tell its not like this all the time.
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I did too. Your meno brain is better than mine ;D
What's your Plan of Campaign?
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I really sympathise with your situation and agree that putting earphones in when you speak is abusive and personally I would give them one warning and then if it happened again it would be over. I have heard of other men doing this before and it disgusts me. I know it’s hard for men but it is massively worse for us as it is us experiencing the hormonal changes! Men can go out or have a break from a situation ( in a respectful way though) but we cannot get away from our bodies.It’s easy to say what we would do through, when you are not in the situation yourself and in reality we don’t really know what we would do unless it happens to us. I really hope your situation improves and I’m sending a big hug and understanding. Also I’d like to add it women’s suffering through decades of periods, pregnancy, childbirth, post natal depression, birth injuries, peri and menopause that keeps the world going, so I think we kind of have the right to ask for some understanding support and help!
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How well said Kathleen ❣️❣️
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Thank you Jaypo. X
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I wonder what this man is afraid of? :-\. Headphones indeed :crutch:
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I really sympathise with your situation and agree that putting earphones in when you speak is abusive and personally I would give them one warning and then if it happened again it would be over. I have heard of other men doing this before and it disgusts me. I know it’s hard for men but it is massively worse for us as it is us experiencing the hormonal changes! Men can go out or have a break from a situation ( in a respectful way though) but we cannot get away from our bodies.It’s easy to say what we would do through, when you are not in the situation yourself and in reality we don’t really know what we would do unless it happens to us. I really hope your situation improves and I’m sending a big hug and understanding. Also I’d like to add it women’s suffering through decades of periods, pregnancy, childbirth, post natal depression, birth injuries, peri and menopause that keeps the world going, so I think we kind of have the right to ask for some understanding support and help!
Hi Katherine
Thank you for the post hunni
It has only happened once with the earphones and I feel that people are easy to say they would do this and do that if they are not experiencing this themselves and on top of struggling with crippling anxiety I do not want posts suggesting I am being abused! I am not being abused ;D :D ;D but everyone is entitled to their opinion.
I feel I have hijacked Moonshines original post which wasnt my intention. So apologises for that Moonshine. I now will class my issue as closed as I am no longer feeling comfortable discussing my situation as it has been blown out of context to a whole diff level.
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Hi losingtheplot, apologies if you were upset by some of the posts and that you are anxious, but when you post on a forum asking for people’s help then it is inevitable that people will give their opinions. I spent time and a lot of thought in my post as I do all my posts on here, was careful how I worded it and was trying to be supportive and I also said I realise people may not do the same as they think they would if they were put in this situation. I understand that you no longer wish to discuss it but I also feel the need to speak from my perspective. I too am suffering albeit in other ways and took time to post because I want to help and I find it offensive that you post laughing emojis in response to such a heartfelt time consuming post. Anyway I’ll leave it there and I won’t be reaching out again.
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Hi there, apologies if you were upset by some of the posts and that you are anxious, but when you post on a forum asking for people’s help then it is inevitable that people will give their opinions. I spent time and a lot of thought in my post as I do all my posts on here, was careful how I worded it and was trying to be supportive and I also said I realise people may not do the same as they think they would if they were put in this situation. I understand that you no longer wish to discuss it but I also feel the need to speak from my perspective. I too am suffering albeit in other ways and took time to post because I want to help and I find it offensive that you post laughing emojis in response to such a heartfelt time consuming post. Anyway I’ll leave it there and I won’t be reaching out again.
Hi Katherine
I wasn't having a go hunni and do appreciate your post xxx
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I did too. Your meno brain is better than mine ;D
What's your Plan of Campaign?
Not divorce thats for sure ;D
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I did too. Your meno brain is better than mine ;D
What's your Plan of Campaign?
Not divorce thats for sure :D
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I wonder what this man is afraid of? :-\. Headphones indeed :crutch:
Me flying off the handle in a rage of anger I can't control more than likely :'(
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Hi losingtheplot, apologies if you were upset by some of the posts and that you are anxious, but when you post on a forum asking for people’s help then it is inevitable that people will give their opinions. I spent time and a lot of thought in my post as I do all my posts on here, was careful how I worded it and was trying to be supportive and I also said I realise people may not do the same as they think they would if they were put in this situation. I understand that you no longer wish to discuss it but I also feel the need to speak from my perspective. I too am suffering albeit in other ways and took time to post because I want to help and I find it offensive that you post laughing emojis in response to such a heartfelt time consuming post. Anyway I’ll leave it there and I won’t be reaching out again.
I am having a very very hard time this morning and I am sorry I didnt mean to offend you. I am just struggling so much and feel out of control I appreciate you reaching out :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(
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Hi losingtheplot,
Apology accepted. I understand, I am really struggling too and it is natural to get angry sometimes.
I wish you the best and hope that everything works out for you. I’m going to step out of this post as I’m struggling myself but I do wish you the best.
Katherine
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Hi losingtheplot,
Apology accepted. I understand, I am really struggling too and it is natural to get angry sometimes.
I wish you the best and hope that everything works out for you. I’m going to step out of this post as I’m struggling myself but I do wish you the best.
Katherine
Thank you again Katherine and I really wish you the best and I do appreciate you understanding. Your post isnt what I was offended at. Its the situation. I will take your comments on board. Big hugs to you and I am so sorry your struggling too. I am sorry I lashed out that wasn't my intention. Xxx
Xxxx
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How well said Kathleen ❣️❣️
I agree very well put
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I think everyone just feels so sad at the situation and saying well,I'd do this or that is indeed very easy to say, I suppose it's just anger that a woman is suffering and not much we can do xx
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I think everyone just feels so sad at the situation and saying well,I'd do this or that is indeed very easy to say, I suppose it's just anger that a woman is suffering and not much we can do xx
I appreciate that and my post wasnt for advice I was simply letting the original poster Moonshine know that this situation had happened to me. I was angered by what happened at the time it happened but I have sorted this out with hubby. The situation that arose from when my hubby put earphones on was due to a conversation that was getting heated due to my anxiety issues but at that point he didnot know this as I hadn't shared this with him as I didn't understand what was happening to me.
He now accepts how he behaved was unacceptable but had tried to reassure me a few times about a particular issue and I was just getting angry.
All is good ladies and thank you.
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So glad you got it sorted,it's good to talk :)
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So glad you got it sorted,it's good to talk :)
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Hi Jaypo,
Thank you :)
I just broke down and explained how I was feeling and hubby listened whilst hugging me tightly as I literally had a meltdown
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My husband can be the same re household chores and making dinner!! Unless I ask him to do something he doesn't and at times it makes my blood boil. Luckily for me he always manages to make me laugh, even when I don't want too. So your not alone 🥰 xx
Hi Cara 999,
Exactly many men are the same and say well why didnt you just ask me to do that. Instead of just using their heads :D ;D
Its good you can laugh about it as laughter is better than anger ;D ;D
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:(
I have really struggled with my hormones over the hoilday weekend. I have just had words with my hubby. He knows i am struggling but doesnt offer support. I have made dinner and again done most household jobs. He said i have been in a bad mood most of the day and have taken it out on him.
I just feel so upset 😡 angry and unsupported. I told him that he is very selfish. He just put his ear phones on . I just feel so dismissed. I know its probably my hormones but I dont feel supported. He has eaten a full dinner and never offered to even make me a cup of tea. :'( sorry for the rant xx
Hey Moonshine54
How are things now hunni?