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[Donnadoobie]

10 years ago, my daughter, who is now almost 29 was diagnosed with PCOS.   Nothing was ever done, she was put onto the contraceptive pill and told to come back when she wanted to get pregnant.

Fast forward to 2023.  Now married ( 1 year) and has been trying for a baby since day 1, as she knew there would be issues.  After a long wait and several appointments with her GP, many being cancelled and re scheduled, she was finally sent for a ultrasound scan if her ovaries and womb.  She was also sent for blood tests.

Blood test have come back showing she is producing too much testosterone, very little progesterone, which means she is not ovulating.  Also raised sugar (I expected this).

Ultra sound is showing multiple cysts on both ovaries, due to not being able to ovulate and an irregular lining if the womb.  They are going to investigate for Endrometrial Hyperplasia.

She is very overweight, partly because of the PCOS but partly down to poor food choices and self esteem issues.  She was bullied a lot at school, both in primary and high school.  She will not qualify for fertility treatment as her BMI  is too high.

She is struggling to come to terms with the fact that she may never conceive, as am I and I don’t know how to deal with it.  I am trying to stay positive but my heart is breaking.

Her husband, I think, is trying to bury himself in his voluntary work for St John Ambulance, recently taking a new role organising 90 cycle responders for East of England.  He is often working upstairs on the computer when he gets back from work and away several weekends at large events.  He doesn’t really want to talk about it.  I feel angry that he cannot see past this to support his wife, who is often left on her own to wallow in her own destructive thoughts.

She is stressed in her job as a manager for a large corporate insurance company and that is not helping either.

Not sure where to go with this and not sure anyone can help but just writing it down is helping.

If you got this far, thank you for reading.

[CLKD]

Try not to judge her husband who may be mourning himself and unable to know how to help his wife. Or he may not want children as much as well as finding the overall situation difficult.  If he raises the issue there maybe arguments ..........

The problem with many specialities in the UK is the lack of support and counselling.  If your DD has self esteem issues, counselling may help, encouraging her to make better food choices.

Does DD bury herself into her job which may = stress which adds to the overall health issues?  Could she take a step back for something more simple? 

R there weight issues in the wider family?  My maternal Aunt was huge but still had a donut for supper after her main meal several times a week but didn't see that as a problem. Many forget that food 'lays on' the body in various areas because that's how we are designed: to eat, use up, retain ......... out of sight out of mind though. 

DH's husband has weight issues on his side ......... which led in some cases to diabetes diagnosis.

Of course you are worried for her especially if you are a maternal person.  Mums want what is best for their children after all.  Have U been able to talk to anyone regarding your DD's problems? 

There are surely support groups for the situation you find yourselves in.  Although PCOS is difficult to deal with and has it's own weight gain problems, the place to begin is with her food choices for which she needs to a) be on board with making changes and b) have patience to see these changes work.  There doesn't seem to be any joined up thinking within the NHS these days for continued advice and support. 

[Minusminnie]

Could you discreetly suggest some marriage guidance counselling for both of them. This is a big issue to hit a marriage after only a year.

[DottyD68]

Hi Donnadoobie,

I'm very sorry to hear about your daughter's situation. It must be very upsetting for all of you.

Just hearing about the situation and not knowing anyone involved my first suggestion that your daughter would benefit from getting her own physical health improved before even thinking about a baby. It sounds that she is under so much stress which is affecting her mentally as well as physically, which in turn won't make getting pregnant any easier.

The phrase "men are from mars women are from venus" springs to mind regarding her husband. My own personal experience of "most" men (I have 3 brothers!) Is that they bury their head in the sand when confronted with difficult personal issues. Many do not know how to deal with it which can come across as cold and uncaring. I suspect her husband is struggling in his own way.

If she can focus on her own health and well-being then other things will gradually follow. I know this won't be easy but with support and encouragement it can happen. As CLKD said your daughter needs to be on board to make changes as the very first step. Things can spiral quickly upwards in a positive direction once she gains momentum. This is a far better direction than the alternative downward spiral.

I wish you all well x

[Donnadoobie]

Thank you all for taking the time to reply.

Weight and health issues are always a topic I have danced around with her, it has been a very sensitive issue.

She has acknowledged she has a bad relationship with food, and has had several counselling sessions regarding the issue but has never progressed further.

When she was diagnosed with PCOS at 18, she was put in the contraceptive pill sent off with no information and no referral for treatment.  I researched it at the time and tried to get her to eat a low carb diet, which would help her, as PCOS causes insulin resistance and ultimately on to type 2 diabetes.  She thought that she would do her own thing and went to Slimming World and lost 2 stone.  Since meeting her husband 8 years ago, her diet has been appalling, as he eats rubbish and won’t try new foods.  Her BMI is now 40! She has lost teeth because of her sugar addiction.  Maybe a type 2 diagnosis and Metformin would motivate her to get her life under control.  I don’t know.

Her dad, my husband, is very overweight and has no food control either so this doesn’t help.  Her sister has always been  skinny until recently and is beginning to put on weight. It was always difficult for her to see her sister buy size 6/8 dresses and she wore size 18/20.  I took my health into my own hands 8 years ago when I was almost diagnosed as type 2 diabetic.  Changed my diet to low carb and lost 3 stone.

Her husband is from a family who don’t discuss feelings, where as we share everything.  I have talked to her about how hard he might be finding it but she is already thinking her marriage is failing after a year because he doesn’t want to talk about it.  They do love each other a lot.  It is so hard.

Nobody ever thinks about the ‘grandparents’ who will never hold that grandchild either.  I am mourning the fact that we may never have a grandchild from my eldest, I mourn for her too, as all her friends start producing babies.  So so had for us all.

Who knows, maybe something can be done to get her to ovulate again.  We have to wait until she has seen a gynaecologist.  We are all preparing for the worst and hoping for the best.  And that is the best we can do right now.

[CLKD]

Morning.  Of course if the man is overweight there may be problems with less active sperm.  It seems that you have tried your best over the years - now it's time to stand back and let them 'go their own way'. 

As for your husband - does he do his own food shopping?  Otherwise, buying good food choices might be the starting point, if he doesn't like what is in the fridge/larder, he needs to go do his own shopping.  How often do you cook for DD and her husband?

I'm lucky in that Dad grew our veg and a lot of fruit in the small garden, as did grandparents on both sides.  I don't know how those living in Cities cope with fresh stuff.  Being surrounded by farms the local Sat market including fresh fish, I never gave food a 2nd thought, it arrived on the table every day.  Also we ate seasonally until the late 1960s.

Will your husband discuss the issues?  Also DD, maybe asking her 'what is the worst that could happen and what would you like to do to change that?' is probably all that you can suggest right now.  The Consultant should of course bring up the whole topic of weight, exercise, % chance of getting pregnant as they are now as to the % chance if they were to make alterations.  Sometimes it's 'better' being said by a stranger as it feels less like nagging. 

Would she be afraid that, should she put these weight loss issues to the fore, that she still wouldn't become pregnant so 'what's the point?' attitude?

We should never expect others to follow what we would want for ourselves.  I decided at age 8 not to have children [long story short] and had various reactions to my statement.  I've never faltered so those around me have had to accept or shut up ;-).  Looking from the outside in doesn't give us an inkling as to what is going on behind closed doors  .

[Kathleen]

Hello Donnadoobie

I am sorry to read your post and you have my sympathy.

I know very little about PCOS but I believe it is reversible with weight loss. Perhaps you could do a bit more research on your daughter's behalf and she can use her desire to have a family as motivation to change her diet. 

My friend's thirty three year old daughter was diagnosed with PCOS in her twenties, she is also overweight and takes Metformin. I am afraid I don't know about her medical treatment or if she managed to loose weight but she does have three children that she conceived naturally so it is possible.

I hope your daughter gets the help she needs and I wish her well.

Take care and sending hugs to you.

K.

[Donnadoobie]

Thanks CKLD

Her husband eats badly but is very thin, cycles a lot as he is unable to drive due an eye condition.  He is also a cycle first responder for St John.

Husband eats what I give him but goes ‘off piste’ regularly but we are getting on top of it.

My daughter struggles to lose weight and loses motivation easily.  It frustrates me but I can do no more for her in that respect.  I have given many years to helping her, I can do no more than support her.

So many issues.

[CLKD]

So difficult - sometimes standing back thinking 'she/he's a big girl/boy' now can put their behaviours into perspective.  It really is up to the couple - if she's worried about her marriage then she needs to talk to the husband as you don't have the answers that she probably doesn't want to hear right now.

Mum used to complain over and over: every time I suggested seeking advice from the various agencies or her Church, she 'couldn't do that Dear' = won't do that.  Because that would solve the problem ........ perhaps DD is so disheartened that facing the problems is too much.  Let us know what the Consultant suggests?

Take care of U!

[Ju Ju]

I feel very sorry for your daughter. So much to cope with. My sister was unable to conceive and it was very difficult for her to see me conceive easily and difficult for me to be around her as I knew she would go away and cry. I think it put pressure on her marriage. She talked of feeling guilty, as if it were all her fault. My sister did eventually conceive after many years of trying, after coming to terms with being childless to some extent. Has your daughter considered counselling about all her issues?

[Donnadoobie]

Thanks Ju Ju

She has had counselling regarding her eating and food issues, more than once. It did not do much to be honest.  She feels it stems back to bullying at school.

They both may need counselling regarding fertility problems.  I have broached it.

[DottyD68]

Having worked as a Personal Trainer I am very aware of all of the different issues around eating, food and diet. As a food-lover myself, my focus has always been on eating (rather than dieting) but eating foods that give us the best nutrition and fill us up rather than starving ourselves (which then in turn makes us crave the "wrong" processed food). I am no Angel when it comes to food but if we can fulfill ourselves on good food it's a bonus. It is such a Personal and complex area it needs professional help in these situations and I'm sorry counselling hasn't helped so far but there is still hope. She is still young.

I know a couple who tried for a long time to conceive unsuccessfully so went down the adoption road. Within a year she fell pregnant and now have two sons. I think when the pressure is off then things can happen.

My husband and I chose not to have children. We are both from large families and have many nieces and nephews and God-children with whom we have great relationships. We have had a very happy life together and done lots of things, which, now I am feeling less like previous self, I am glad I did in my "youth" rather than wait for an empty nest to do it.

This maybe controversial and it is truly meant positively and sensitively, but if your daughter and husband find they are unable to have children (which I hope they dont as it is obviously their first hope and choice), there is a good life to be had without (their own) children. It will be a different life to what they had planned but you can make the best of your life. Nothing is a given for any of us.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that there is still hope for your daughter. She obviously has a caring family around her and with the right impetus she can be happy and I hope she will be, whatever X

[CLKD]

Nicely put DottyD68 - I too choose to be childless as the World has never been 'good enough' for my children.  Also: when I was very young a neighbour fostered several children including 3 from 1 family from Eastern Europe: who she was't allowed to adopt as their parents were still alive  .  Eventually she adopted two smalls and a couple of years later, had twins.

Some thought that it was the smell from tiny babies that had stimulated her reproductive system or more likely, that she was more relaxed and accepting. 

Let us know how you all get on.

[CLKD]

How R U feeling?