Hi ladies, sorry for the delay in replying, I have just found all your posts and it was lovely to see them. I will reply properly to you all individually really soon but I will say this for now, Dandelion, I really feel for you, I have been through some really difficult times in my life and had a lot of therapy which sorted me out but unfortunately my current relationship is bringing up these old feelings again which is a great loss to me after all the work I did in therapy. I don’t want to say too much about my partner except that I, and many people including professionals think he has undiagnosed Autism. He is very successful and clever in his career but cannot handle my emotions, if I am upset and it’s partly because of him. If I can tell him in a non emotional voice, ie when I’m not feeling too bad, he is ok and lovely but if I am crying or depressed he loses it, self harms, throws things, screams, gets angry, etc. we are trying to get him a diagnosis so we can do couple therapy but he keeps getting fobbed off and no meds have worked. I do think his upbringing has had an impact but there is something organic there I’m sure. It is an impossible position to be in because he is a really kind, funny, giving person the rest of the time. Anyway I’ve gone on a bit but all your replies made me want to tell you. Dandelion I can tell you are very strong and thanks for all your posts. I will reply to you all properly soon. Love to you all xxxx
Hello
You have a lot on your plate, I would understand if you don’t have time to individually reply to me.
You did mention me.
I empathise with you, when you say your relationship is bringing up these old feelings again which is a great loss to me after all the work I did in therapy.
I am no expert, however, I feel old feelings come up, when the "emotional charge" has not left them, for instance, you get a feeling of relief, rather than stuffing down a difficult feeling.
Some feelings need a lot of revisiting, until they are worked through. I find it tempting to just think “It’s sorted”, when, really, it isn’t.
For instance, I was seeing a man, and, rather than admit he was emotionally and psychologically abusive, I used my borderline personality disorder “paranoia” as a way to evade dealing with feeling left out, which he was doing on purpose, out of malice.
This is the case with me.
Once I admitted he really was behaving inappropriately, I felt lighter, with just the wound to heal, without the “emotional pus” festering. I hope that makes sense.
I was scolded a lot as a kid, sometimes for things others did, I am on the autistic spectrum, undiagnosed, at the time, and old feelings come up when I am scolded in adult life, by the freeholder, because my old owner did unauthorised alterations to their parts of the building, however, I am working on them with a friend, who is a qualified psychotherapist.
When things “come up” or “resurface” it is a call-to-action to work on them, to discharge the “festering, remaining, emotional pus”.
I hope that makes sense, I use metaphor a lot to describe things, and I often want to create abstract images to get things down as an image, which are difficult to describe in words.
Undiagnosed Autism can be problematic.
I was diagnosed at 50. My mum took me to her GP in the 1960’s as a 9mths old baby, as I was “different” to my older siblings, I did not look her in the eye, I did not cuddle her.
She behaves abusively, unfortunately, and my Dad, I think, was a malignant narcissist, mocking me as a toddler and getting joy from it.
I think my ex, mentioned above is undiagnosed autistic, he has put on a cloak all of his life, I think he struggles to deal with different people who’s faces don’t fit.
His friend of 35 years confided to me, he thinks he is autistic.
He is a very proud man, unable to drive through epilepsy, yet has a car in the drive for appearances sake.
He seemed to have a sadistic side, not like autistics, possibly an adaptive trait, developed, as his memory is affected by his epilepsy, and his mother compared him unfavourably to her friend’s kids of the same age. He is successful, works from home, owns 2 properties, but, alas, must be unhappy, as he would not have hurt me the way he did. Anyway, sorry for the ramble.
I hope it helps.
It must be very stressful for you, to have to tell him in a non emotional voice.
What you describe is an “autistic meltdown”, I get them, the severity of them depends on the level of stress.
Best if luck in getting him a diagnosis. A diagnosis at 54 years old helped me, it would have helped much more as a kid, but back then, autistics were stigmatised, just like my ex and his epilepsy.
Medication, in my view, is not the answer.
Knowing I have autism helps, as I can look up resources online.
Getting fobbed off is frustrating.
Autism and a bad upbringing are not good bedfellows.
You have not gone on, in my opinion and I wish you all the luck in the world.
