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[groundhog]

Hi ladies,
Sorry not been around for a while,
Christmas is not that far away and I’m gett8ng anxious. I’ve chronic health conditions plus 2 stoma bags from surgery going wrong.  I always hosted Christmas and enjoyed doing so.  Times have changed, family has grown and I’m no longer in good health.  I ended up in hospital last Boxing Day with a massive bleed, I’d pushed through Christmas popping pain killers and wham!
I’ve started thinking about Christmas and suggested we go out for lunch.  No one wanted to.  There is onky me who can host dinner - daughter has 2 children and very very busy, sister not domesticated lol, other family  are moving house around that  time. I suggested I do it with help but they don’t really want that as they know Il get stressed.
What does everyone else do these days?
I’d be happy in the sofa in my pyjamas with a nice toastie ( I can’t eat normally) but tradition and all that plus I’m married to a dinosaur 🙈🙈.
Trying to limit stress in my life seems th harder I try the worse it gets !

[CLKD]

Get yourself into a Hotel ............ Full board for 3 nights.  If anyone wants to join you that's fine. Otherwise, they can go to the Pub!

Tell them this week.  Not open for discussion.  U R doing X, Y, Z - but you are certainly not hosting this year, their gifts to you can be joining you or DIY.

Tell them this week so that they can get their moans and groans out of the way.  Get that hotel booked ;-).

For over 40 years we travelled 2 hours down the road, packed up - on C.mas Day we got out/into the car 24 times !!!!  Fortunately we were able to leave by Boxing Teatime.  When Mum took up with a man we didn't go at all ......... we began to moan about our age  as well as what the weather might do 

[jillydoll]

Buy a takeout, and warm it up on Xmas day. 💁🏼‍♀️

My lot got fed up of Xmas dinner one year, so we ordered an Indian curry in.
Seemed strange, but everyone was fed with what they wanted.
All I did was load the dishwasher afterwards.   

[Nicodemus]

It's only October (although admittedly Costco had Xmas stuff in August).

I'm doing what I want this year, which is spending it with my partner and no one else.

If you want a toastie on the sofa what's stopping you from doing that?

If your family are trying to guilt you into doing a load of stuff that you don't want and that may possibly make you quite ill then they're selfish and not worth spending time with. Unfortunately women are socialised into putting our own needs last and the nonsense narrative that christmas must be perfect and is a time for family and no one must spend it alone and all the rest of it doesn't help.

I hope you have a relaxing and peaceful christmas whatever you decide.

[getting_old]

OH and I book trips away. We just get lunch from a restaurant, and we swap fun presents in the evening. Not sure the in-laws were impressed when we first told them, but we did the trekking around visiting family thing for a number of years despite not enjoying it.

I'd book a cottage somewhere on the coast, with a nice fire, then book lunch at a local pub, and just relax. No matter what you do someone will be unhappy, but they are responsible for their own happiness, not you.

[Ju Ju]

GH, when my children were teenagers, I told everyone how much I hated cooking Christmas dinner and how stressful I found it. They had had no idea. For 2 years we did have Christmas dinner at a restaurant, but DH didn’t feel it was anywhere near as good as what I did and very expensive. So he decided to cook it with DD’s help. DD soon decided to do it without DH! Fortunately for me she loves cooking. Her home is too small, so we have it here and I buy most of the food and she cooks. We don’t like turkey, so I take the chicken to her to defrost and stuff. I clear up after the dinner.

The story is that I told them how I felt and also that I wasn’t prepared to cook. It was up to them to find the solution that suited them as well as me. Just tell them you can’t and stick to it. Let them find a solution. After all you don’t even have the pleasure of eating it…… It’s time you are looked after!

[Kathleen]

Hello groundhog

I assume that all your family are aware of how ill you became last year and I am sure they wouldn't want that to happen again.

Is it possible to have your house as the venue but have the food brought in? I think restaurants do delivery services or perhaps everyone can bring a dish?

There is also the possibility that your family find the event very stressful as well so could they have their lunch at home and visit you later in the day?

When our children were young we had our lunch on Christmas Day and saw family on Boxing Day for leftovers lol.

You have given everyone plenty of time to think of alternatives so wait and see what ideas they come up with. Hopefully you can all agree on something that everyone is happy with.

Take care.

K.

[groundhog]

Thanks all for your replies, helpful as always.
It’s difficult when you’ve always been the go to person and suddenly everything changes.  I suggested doing it here and buying the food in ( or getting from M&S) and that seems the best option. That’s not perfect though as you still have to cook, serve etc and we’ve recently had a puppy Barney 🙈, another story, lots of people and lots of food would be a recipe for disaster as he’d be crazy excited!
So at the moment it’s stale mate.  I love th thought of a cottage by the sea but my Oh and I are not great and that could be great or awful plus we love our family and have never had Christmas apart but it’s too much now.  My daughter can’t cook Ju Ju lol, she’s not domesticated and neither is my sister .
What I want is to have the energy and enthusiasm I used to have but that’s gone and i have to adapt, trouble is others( including my husband) aren’t very keen on change.
My daughter came round yesterday and we talked about it, the pup got so excited and my young granddaughter gave him a massive hug and he scratched her face so it was tears all round and that sort of put me off having them all here. He’s a lovely dog, we love him to bits but little children and pups don’t always work do they x

[CLKD]

that seems the best option

for who exactly?   never stale mate!!!!.  Tell them it will be you and your partner this year?  Have your main meal in the evening and they can visit on Boxing Day, which spreads the ceremony out. You have a history of backing down so don't be swayed by any family member.  They can be selfish from what you have said previously, so be firm.  "This isn't for discussion, this is what Barney and I will be doing".  The more you say 'no' the easier it becomes, trust me.

Nails scratch so it's a learning curve for your granddaughter and her mother.  What was your daughter thinking about !!!!  it's never the puppies fault.  Of course, Bernie may be the trigger to avoid a family gathering 'all at once' ;-).



 

[Nicodemus]

So your daughter and sister can't be bothered to learn to cook and expect you to do it for them and reading between the lines so does everyone else because it's what you've always done.

I'm sorry but the problem is not just that you don't have the energy any more. It's that you're surrounded by selfish people.

I realise these sorts of posts can seem quite hectoring to people who've always played nice and played the game so I won't bang on any further but please start thinking of yourself and being assertive and building boundaries. The best way to not do something that you don't want to do is to just not do it and calmly tell anyone who is expecting you to do it that you aren't going to do it. You don't even have to give an explanation. "No this doesn't suit me" is perfectly fine and so is just "No". What they choose to do then is upto them. Perhaps they will offer to host, perhaps they won't. Who cares  - you're having a toastie on the sofa or whatever it is you want.

[Ayesha]

Hi ladies,
Sorry not been around for a while,
Christmas is not that far away and I’m gett8ng anxious. I’ve chronic health conditions plus 2 stoma bags from surgery going wrong.  I always hosted Christmas and enjoyed doing so.  Times have changed, family has grown and I’m no longer in good health.  I ended up in hospital last Boxing Day with a massive bleed, I’d pushed through Christmas popping pain killers and wham!
I’ve started thinking about Christmas and suggested we go out for lunch.  No one wanted to.  There is onky me who can host dinner - daughter has 2 children and very very busy, sister not domesticated lol, other family  are moving house around that  time. I suggested I do it with help but they don’t really want that as they know Il get stressed.
What does everyone else do these days?
I’d be happy in the sofa in my pyjamas with a nice toastie ( I can’t eat normally) but tradition and all that plus I’m married to a dinosaur 🙈🙈.
Trying to limit stress in my life seems th harder I try the worse it gets !

Just reading your post and thinking what a lovely lady you are, and therein lies the problem, you are so nice that people are taking advantage of you, this always happens to nice people.
It's time for you to look after yourself, time to be assertive, time to take control of your life. If you don't it will be expected of you to carry on as you have always done, putting yourself last. Time for a change! XX

[CLKD]

As a Police officer told me recently: "NO" is a sentence. 

[Kate57]

I understand how you must feel, so I'll tell you what I do in situations like these ( it may not go down well with some people but it makes my life soooo much easier).
Lie.
About a week before Christmas fake a complete collapse...everyone must be told that you need at least a month r&r and under no circumstances should you be stressed.
However, chocolates and perfume would be much appreciated.

[CLKD]

Good idea Kate57. I would have several episodes leading up to mid-December ;-). 

groundhog - this really is up to you.  Nothing is worth losing sleep over!!!!

[getting_old]

Exactly CLKD, No further explanation SHOULD be required.

I agree with Kate and Nicodemus. You are surrounded by people who assume you will continue to do everything for them, because you always have, so saying No will probably just be ignored    and sometimes the only way to get them to take notice and understand is to just take to your bed and refuse to get up or do anything. Obviously they'll be unhappy, complain, sulk, etc but maybe, just maybe they'll also start to appreciate just how much you have done for them in the past.