I think a lot of men are happy for their wives to take the lead and will just accept things the way they are until those things change, then they just accept the new ways. It's that way with OH and was the same with all of the men I've worked with. Most of them had moved straight from their parents home to the marital home so always had someone looking after them, and as women we tend to naturally look after them, like another child!
You've said that he's said / done some nasty things, and you say that your son is saying he's a narcissist, so getting some support from Relate to talk things through is a really good idea. You never know if things will be better or worse, but as the saying goes "it's better to regret the things you've done than the things you haven't". Whether you stay or go things are going to be tough, but as Ms Peak says things can succeed beautifully.
