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[beebeebee]

Hi all,

I am 49.

I cannot tell if my responses on a particular issue are something I would have had if I was not in perimenopause.

The issue is that I have been married 22 years. This incident happened before we married and I always knew that my husband had met up with his ex girlfriend, as I found evidence (an earring) and confronted him before we married, we had been dating seriously for 6 months when they met up.
I did not know what happened, but it always bothered me a lot, I hoped my gut was wrong and  he kept quiet when I asked and said nothing happened, that they just went out one night and talked.

About 5 months ago, I asked him, quite aggressively to tell me what happened, and he said he had a one night stand with the ex.
I felt sick inside, and he said at least now we could put it behind us, and he was sorry he lied but was scared I would have broken up with him at the time (yes I would have dumped him).

I was and am still furious. I feel defrauded in to the marriage, I thought it through and how to stop mentioning it as it was going in circles with my anger and crying and I knew I would eventually drive him away.

I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him. But I also hate what he did and hate him for breaching my trust. I cannot get over it, It will not go away, I know my feelings have settled and I will not forgive and forget. I think about it all day every day.

I have come to the conclusion that the only way for me to feel myself again , is to get even with him, not tell him but do something, like a one night stand myself. I do not even feel I want to go to the trouble of doing it or risk getting caught, but see no other way, as I am a vengeful person, I have realized this truth about my character.. I feel humiliated and I do not like this feeling.

Of course if he had just done this cheating, during the marriage, then probably a lot of people would understand my need for revenge. But prior to marriage, many years ago? I cannot tell anybody that I feel that way! Well I told my best friend and she thought I was unreasonable so...

I have had menopausal bleeding for about 2 months now. Life is generally good, I have older kids still at home and we are a seemingly normal happy family. I am trying to act decently, but the turmoil is inside me....

questions;
1/ how would you feel or deal with these feelings?
2/ is this perimenopause driving it, or would I have felt this way always.
3/is a fling the answer, will it get it out of my system?
 

[CLKD]

Secrets ruin Lives.  [long story short].

I don't think that you are being unreasonable at all.  Finding out secrets changes lives.  From sex outside a contract to finding out about an adoptive child that was hidden.  From a person appearing heterosexual to finding out that the person one thought one knew likes to dress up or prefers to mix with men ...........

You were both young.  He probably wanted to get 'her' out of his system and loved you so much so couldn't be honest. He didn't dare be honest.   He has probably dreaded this moment ........... also, sex for men is different to how women might feel about it.  For me it's tied up with being loved, feeling valued and not being beaten up every night.  Not once during my anxiety has he blamed me, shouted when we have to leave a theatre earlier than planned, when I've not been able to leave the house ..........

We have been together nearly 50 years.  We have a lot of memories together and I would hate to lose those.  Initially I would have been devastated but as I have aged I understand that occasionally one/other might stray.  For as many reasons as there are stars in the sky.  I would be more accepting these days than when we were first together.  5 years B4 we married ..........

I think that you have maybe always wanted to know? but Life kept you busy?

A fling would get what out of your system exactly?  Sexual chemistry is hugely powerful.  It can be simply chemistry with little or no feelings on either side.

If he dropped dead today how would you feel?  You don't need to tell us but your gut reaction should tell you how to proceed.

If you love him ?  People are human and we often make the wrong decision ......... from choosing the wrong wallpaper to keeping secrets for the overall good of the Tribe.  R there other issues that you want to 'get even' with him about?   5 months is nowt in over all time, have you talked about it since or is it brewing in your head? 

[CLKD]

Get yourself condoms if you do decide to jump into bed with someone else or you may get more problems to deal with!  There has been in increase in the over 50s presenting in Clinics with siphllis and gonorrhoea !!!

Counselling might be helpful too. I know that 'relate' have a long waiting list but it might be worth while to put an hour aside once a week to talk with each other.  Ignoring the issue will fester.

MayB start by explaining that you remain hurt.  "Hopefully you haven't thought too much about her in the recent years but have you dreaded that I might find out?" might be an opening.  Try not to be confrontational as this is about long-term approaches.  You may find that you can't live with his initial lie so make sure that you are financial sound B4 you get that far? 

I would no longer be bothered about the whys and wherefores of how he/she did it as sex is usually the same  .  I would want clarity as to how I was part of the problem.

[CLKD]

   Birdy

[beebeebee]

thanks, we have talked about it a lot, it blows up every few weeks when I have a go at him, if I am triggered, we fight about it now, as he is unhappy
that I will not let it go. I am triggered by literally everything.

[Baby]

I think your hormones are definitely making you feel worse about this situation. I think I read somewhere about not making any big decisions while having a bad menopause.some days I really hate my other half, other days I feel sorry for him and love him.

[CLKD]

I was wondering late last night if any of our comments had helped?

[beebeebee]

thanks, yes it has helped. I decided to post as I needed to vent and get some views, as I cannot tell anyone else (other than husband).
I vent to him, am nasty, we fight, we make up, I feel better, then a couple of weeks later, the resentment builds up again. I feel like
I am going crazy, as there is nothing he can do to change the past now, and he says he would if he could. I guess I built everything
around him and it is the loss of the fairytale. The marriage will last, its not a breakup situation in the sense that the thing that happened
is a stupid thing to end it, but my behaviours or feelings could mess the marriage up, possibly enough to end it, so I need to stop and it is really hard,
I am like a goldfish, birdbrain and repeating it over and over, I have never cried so much in my life, but nobody has died and my life is outwardly great.

[CLKD]

You are grieving?  Anger needs to come out - there's disappointment too.

Are your 'spells' cyclical?  What I could deal with month round, would become a HUGE problem a few days B4 a period began.  Then I would lit rip  .......

If he dropped dead? ............ I think you need to decide exactly what it is that upsets you - maybe agree to sit down once a week to talk about it, which might be less of a trigger for you to lose it.  Does he instigate discussion about it or is he hiding from what happened until you erupt?

If you worry that he may stray in the future, that's another issue.

[beebeebee]

he does not instigate discussion, the discussions are the same info more or less, although I learnt more each time, as he let out little details, details that matter to me. My periods are all over the place I am bleeding a tiny bit every few days and it stops, then I get a heavy period once a month or sometimes 3 week cycle. Yes it is grief and disappointment. Also I did not do that to him, and I could have made it happen when I was younger, say at work or such a situation. He did not bump in to the ex, he made it happen. He never saw her again after, It was a one-off and know that for sure.

No I do not think he has been or is more likely to cheat than any other husband. He has not to my knowledge, but I am a believer in not just ignoring signs and working away and lads nights out, those are red flags and he never did those things, and even though I never said for him not to do them, I would have been concerned if he did, but we were on the same page once married at least or I hope any way.

Him dropping dead would be a nightmare for me.

[CLKD]

So feeling that might help once you are through the grief and disappointment. 

 

[Focus]

Did you know you can actually go to marriage counselling on your own?

I thought I had to go together (while I was still married), but no.

Going, and going by myself, was one of the best things I have ever done.

[beebeebee]

I mean pre menopausal, or peri
You used to be able to set your watch by my monthly periods, but now it is very light for 1 day, every few days and
then a normal period. I assumed this means I am in perimenopause. I called my dr, but not any checks and he said
it sounded hormonally caused.