Hmmm, I've been watching videos on narcissists. A lot of it totally fits with my ex h.
I started by looking into his drinking and stonewalling. I didn't even know both of those things were a thing, if you know what I mean. I'm a real live and let live type, happy to let people be the way they are.
Then I discovered stonewalling is a way of gaining control over a situation/person, and it's a type of abusive behaviour. Someone I was talking to about it described it as a 'you're beneath me' type of mentality.
So I started looking into some of the other things that he did repeatedly over the course of 18 years, from the very beginning. Flashy behaviour at the start, when we met...expensive nights out, expensive gifts. This is what he also did with the last girl he cheated with.
So much entitlement...all the way through. And no acceptance of any sort of responsibility (including never doing any housework, in spite of me asking him to).
Only looking back now, I realise that I felt really lonely throughout the time we were married. I think I'd describe our relationship as superficial now. There really wasn't much communication, discussion, negotiation, decision making together. A classic conversation would go something like: 'what about going on holiday in xxx?', and he'd answer 'maybe'.
A lot of projection in the end. I remember feeling like he was vomiting over me, and I just heard a psychologist describe projection as the feeling of being vomited over by someone.
I think the desire and capacity to engage in dialogue is one of the most important things for me now.
