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[Focus]

I remember chatting to one of the volunteers on the Women's Aid helpline about how he just couldn't seem to see how horrible he was being to me, how controlling and aggressive. Even when I pointed out things he'd said or done. She told me that these sorts of people lack the self awareness.

Whenever I brought up something he'd done or said that I had an issue with, he either said I was over sensitive and that it was just a joke, or he looked so horrified and said that he would never have said/done something like that.

Lack of self awareness. And not my issue.

Don't blame yourself for being taken in. These sorts of people are very manipulative, and they've got an eye for a vulnerable person too. The guy I was with? I met him about 6 months or so after my ex husband had left.

You will become all the wonderful things that you want to be. Those things are already there, inside you. You just need to nurture them and let them flourish.

You'll get there, I promise.

[Chihuahuachick]

Oh whatsupwiththis, thank you so much xxx

Such good advice and yes, good finances is control and it is the control I need and I intend to get with this job I am hoping to get when my new eye is ready.

This advice I am getting is what I need to succeed.

I need to remember that I AM right in not retaliating and using up energy plus I need to get ready for this job by sorting my sleeping out.

Please anyone help, this is the most positive I have felt in ages and ages.

I have had two operations on my eye this year and I have started two jobs which have fallen through, both of which I only had a couple of weeks off sick with, not to mention the peri menopause symptoms.

I have not had my artificial eye since February and I am feeling so incomplete. That is why I am waiting to get my eye because I need to feel complete to get a job and come across at an interview as my real self.
XxxxX

[Chihuahuachick]

Can anyone help with this?

Everytime I get another partner he is worse than the last. This one has messed my job up for me as well as treated me like rubbish.

My counsellor says I attract such control freaks as I have been bought up by a controlling mother.

How do I get out of it happening again?

[Focus]

Ah, yes...so...are you seeing the patterns? The way that you were essentially 'groomed' as a child?

So, in a sense, you know what that feels like as you've been taught to behave like that and have done so for many, many years. And it's an easy pattern of behaviour for you to slip into. You know how to play your part in all of this.

Conversely, people who like to behave in a controlling and abusive manner recognise the signals from you, and hone in on you. So they can play their part.

Best advice would be to give yourself the gift of time. Time for you to look into this stuff, explore it, and start to unpick it a bit. Carry on working with your counsellor

You already know that you can't control other people. The only person you can control is yourself - the choices that you make and the way you choose to react. And you're already dong that in so many ways, by making decisions about where you're directing your energy and making decisions about your future. It's in your posts.

I'd say you just need to carry on down that path. And maybe without the distraction of another person to think about and consider? Just yourself to take the most wonderful care of. For a while at least. Explore your hobbies, friendships, get to know yourself more, build your confidence, read up about boundaries (this is a big one for people who have had their emotional and physical boundaries totally disregarded. I struggle with this one). Make a wish list of how you would like your life to look and slowly and luxuriously explore all the things on your list.

You can decide if and when you're ready to be more intimate with someone else again. But become intimate with yourself first, learn to take care of yourself, respect yourself and cherish yourself. Take your time over yourself.

It's funny, I got to a point where I knew that I would never, ever be attracted to someone who was my ex husband's type any more. However talented, fun, charming, popular, handsome they might be. The roller coaster of life with an high functioning addict was never ever gonna appeal to me again. And it's because I worked so hard to feel enough self esteem not to be dazzled by those things or to need that in my life, because my own life was full enough as it was.

[CLKD]

Get out of this relationship.  Don't look too far ahead other than looking after you!  A relationship should be in the distance to find out who you are.  That way your strengths will develop and grow.

Do U have hobbies?


Sometimes we need to feel valued and often these men look for vulnerable people and feed off their needs, gradually eroding any confidence .  Initially they are giving the woman what they seek - flowers, chocolates, a roof over their heads.  Then they begin the manipulation.   

Think about all the men you have known in your Life.  Lads in school; Teachers; people in the Church; shop keepers; the medical profession.  How did they interact with you?

Think about those who have controlled you.  Think about how the latter compare with those men that you aren't involved with .........

I have men that I would trust with my Life on a desert island. There are some that I don't want to breath the same air as!  Some I tolerate because I have to. 

Maybe sit back and watch how others interact.  You will find help at a womens refuge where you should get advice. 

The other aspect you might consider: R U a 'saver', someone who wants to help others but isn't looking at the whole person's situation.  Again, this is something that a refuge can assist with by finding you a counsellor who can guide you.  But one thing at a time!

[Chihuahuachick]

Thank you all for your help.

I don't know what I would do to find a different type of partner, I just can't imagine ever getting to that point. I live in hope.

All I know right now is that I will be able to resist the type of person that I have had. I never want that again and would rather live on the streets than ever get into the same relationship.

I feel like I want to know how I could recognise someone different? How would I know? Please can anyone tell me how this would work?

This is the only hope I have at the moment, knowing that I could attract a better type of person for me.

I am just so looking forward to getting my sleep, getting a job and getting my eye sorted out. I cannot wait. Then after that I can see how things are financially.

Everyone tells me how nice I am and how hard I have worked. I just cannot understand how I get these people.

I have actually resisted someone, he was my teacher. I left the course early which cost me £600.00. He dropped so many hints, but I could see he was just like this idiot I live with. He used to email me but I stopped responding. No way was I getting  involved.

If someone could help me to see how changing the attracted or attraction to me for this non abusive person I would appreciate it, it's my only light at the end of the tunnel to be honest.

[Chihuahuachick]

Thanks for saying it's not me. I know its not me but it is good to hear that.

He won't get any hint of what I'm doing. He is too detached to realise.

Yes I have been picked out as one hell of a good thing to control. He was controlling me at work and at home at one time, I must have been the ultimate catch.

And he does that and twists it all onto me.

I know it's not me but thank you all the same for reinforcing my belief.

[CLKD]

It isn't you.  He has the problem.  Abusers repeat the World Over: "No one will want you like that"; "You are too ugly for anyone else to look at you so you are lucky to have me to care for you". Until the woman believes him.  They erode self-confidence.  They erode friendships.  Many interact with the family until after marriage when they stop the woman meeting with friends/family/work colleauges because then, the man loses all control: and the woman he is controlling might talk .........

I think that once you have spoken to someone at a refuge you will gain strength.  Does he insist on going to your appt. regarding your eye?  Does he accompany you everywhere?

[Tinkerbell]

My daughter got out of a controlling relationship, took her a long time to leave but she is a different person and now has a lovely boyfriend who is completely the opposite to her ex.

https://freedomprogramme.co.uk/

[Chihuahuachick]

Yes he does go to my eye appt. Funny that, because when I have been really poorly with peri symptoms he has watched me go to hospital alone, even at night.

He argues with people everywhere he goes. And he puts me down in front of people, even believing that and telling people that what he does to me I have done to him.

He always says the doctors know nothing. They are wrong about my IBS, wrong about my asthma, wrong about the peri menopause, he knows more than the doctors.

Even when I was in hospital he had an argument with the sister of the ward because I wasn't ready to leave when he got there.

[Chihuahuachick]

Can anyone explain this?

He bought me a child's coat once?

The sleeves were about three inches too short. He had a right go when I said it was too small, he said well fuck you then I'll give it to my daughter who was about 40 years old at the time. He even wrapped it up and gave it her for Christmas.

Really weird person.

[CLKD]

Weird. 

[Chihuahuachick]

Unfortunately at the moment all I can think is this pattern of me meeting this type will repeat.

What is the answer to changing? How does it work?

When I am in this frame of mind I just feel like there is no point going through all of the upheaval, I may as well stay where I am.

[sheila99]

I'm so sorry you're having a hard time. You can't change the past but you can change the future and I'm glad you're making plans to do so. I think the key to a good relationship is to be happy with yourself and with being on your own. You're easier to control if you have no self-confidence and every time he puts you down he chips away at it. Yes, he is the problem not you but he can only control you if you allow it. I think it's good advice to put relationships on hold for a while until you have your self esteem back. You will be OK on your own, and once you know this you can be more picky. I'm sure you'll be looking for the signs of controlling behaviour and next time you'll be strong enough to tell him where he can go. Money is important within reason but you don't need it to be happy, I would choose poverty over an abusive relationship every time.
 Everything is harder in peri though, if you don't feel well and you're always tired it makes everything more difficult.
 I'd love to see his face when you walk and he finally realises he has no control over you any more.
 Freud would have something to say about the coat, perhaps he sees you as a child who can be controlled?

[CLKD]

Or he is interested in children   

How has today been?  I went from my parents' house to living with my husband.  I didn't to the living alone/studen lodgings etc.; but would be prepared to live alone if someone abused me.  I told DH that he would only lift his hand to me once, after that I would swing for him.  I come from a noisy background and fortunately choose a lovely man.

Little steps.  Half a day at a time ;-)