Print

Please login or register.
1 Hour 1 Day 1 Week 1 Month Forever
Login with username, password and session length

[sheila99]

I am so sorry, I can't imagine how hard it is for you. It's still early days, this sort of grief has to measured in months and years. Good idea to take a list to the gp, it's easy to forget about something. I agree you may need increased hrt. It was 3 months before it cured my anxiety so not a quick fix, and it's likely your anxiety has a different cause. No harm in taking something for it to get you through this difficult time, it doesn't mean you'll be on it forever. I hope the counselling helps, they say it's more useful when some time has passed since the event.

[ElkWarning]

Hi Ali

Some lovely wise words above.  And I am so sorry, so terribly sorry. 

In terms of your GP knowing what to do with you ... they have hundreds, sometimes thousands, of patients and so they're fairly experienced.  Key here, as you know, is to be able to communicate how you're feeling health-wise, both physically and mentally.  Making a list (CLKD is a big fan) is a great way of getting things down on paper and into an order.  You've already done that ... How are you sleeping?

In terms of the symptoms you're describing, given that you've had an ECG, yes it's probably 'anxiety', although that's a bit of a catch all term and what you're experiencing is trauma.  As you know, the body and mind aren't separate, we come as whole people, and it's not unusual for feelings to present physically.  You've got such a lot to process, and it's still ongoing.  You mention your family, who you're plainly being extremely strong for, and that also has a 'cost'.  It's OK, you can take that at the moment.  You're doing this huge thing.  I'm really pleased that your 13 year old daughter has found a therapist she can open up to.

My son, who's 26 now, was born with a congenital condition which means he's been very sick from time to time.  He has life-threatening epilepsy.  Anyway, point being, it's an enormous amount of emotional stress.  I kind of know what it's like to carry the whole world on your shoulders, to care for your family in the middle of intense pain, to keep going because if you're not sure what would happen if you stopped ...

CLKD mentions CRUSE above, this is good advice.  And the best advice anyone ever gave to me:  'Be kind to yourself'.  I manage my anxiety (or basically the fall out from trauma) by emergency meds (Diazepam) and taking time.  I can't do yoga or mindfulness, because I can't stop the endless war in my head.  However, I do enjoy massage, from a therapist, and find that this balances my body, kind of, or enough.  I deliberately make the time to see friends I can trust with my fragility.

Take it easy, Ali.

With all the best wishes in the world, EK

[alibeau]

Thank you all so much.

I know we don't know each other but your support and kind words have really given me a lift.

I am sleeping pretty well all things considered.  I purchased the 'Calm' app and so do the 10 min daily meditation before bed (if I haven't done it earlier in the day) and then listen to a sleep story.  I would be lost without this as listening to the sleep story stops my mind from wandering.....  I have had the odd bad night where I just can't get to sleep but luckily they are few and far between.

Having chatted with Hubby yesterday and compared our thoughts and feelings (taking into account we are all different) it would seem that I am struggling to shake the memories of what we saw on the night my daughter died.  Hubby says he only thinks of those images about once a week (and he was with her for far longer than I was and was far more involved, I left the house to get help), I am more like half a dozen times a day, this is where I am hoping some counselling may help as these are not the images I want in my mind when I think of her, I want to picture her fabulous 15 years on earth and not the terrible moment we lost her.....

When it comes to my GP appointment I think my most pressing worry is that as soon as I mention this tiny lump in my armpit she is going to say I need to stop my HRT.  I'm not going to say I couldn't cope with that but it really would be a severe blow to both my mental and physical well being....

Anyways, I will cross that bridge next week and see what she says.

Thanks again ladies, honestly you have been a real help.

Ali x

[alibeau]

My heart goes out to you - I don't think I've ever felt what that means so deeply.
I am lost with admiration at your strength and determination to treat yourself with love.
You are making your way with grace through a terribly hard time, and one step, one action at a time, you will come through this X

Thank you.

I have to say that it comes from a place of being absolutely determined that as a now family of three we have to live the best lives we possibly can. I do not want to live the remainder of my life in constant misery and my daughter would not want that for us either.

It's a tough daily battle but I can only hope with time that it might just get a smidge easier.

I deliberately make the time to see friends I can trust with my fragility.

Wow ElkWarning - this exactly.  Some friends have bowled me over with their empathy, kindness and support and the funny thing is this support has sometimes come from people that I least expected it from.  This works both ways of course and I have felt slightly let down by a few too!

Ali x

[Tc]

Alibeau. I am so very sorry for your terrible loss.

I agree wholeheartedly with the comments that you should get all the counselling you can.

You are dealing with the loss of your beloved girl but there is also an element of trauma. And post traumatic stress which realy does need counselling to deal with in my experience.
I hope you have some open ended counselling as I did when my wife died. It helps to know that you are not on a time limit and that you can continue to go for as long as you need to.

Hopefully you wont  have to wait too long for your counselling  but in the meantime as the ladies have said CRUSE helpline is very good and I came across something recently which might be of interest. It's the Sue Ryder foundation.

They offer free one to one online bereavement counselling to "bridge the gap" while people are waiting for counselling to start.
To access it you have to join their online community but you dont have to give any info other than name and email. And you dont have to post or go into the forums to access it. You just have to join.  Here is the link
https://support.sueryder.org/bereavement-counselling/about

Good luck with your docs appointment and please feel free to post anytime you wish. I have found everyone on here so supportive to me in my grief.
Xx

[alibeau]

Hi Tc,

Thank you for your message, I am so very sorry to hear of your loss. My thoughts are with you.

I do think that there is some element of PTS that I need help with.  We were referred to a charity the night my daughter died, they contacted us very quickly but then the support was slow to come forward.  My 13 yo daughter saw a counsellor quite early on but did not 'bond' with her.  We then spent most of the summer chasing an alternative counsellor for her which was worth the effort as they seem to be making some progress. She will receive 12 sessions, we can request more, we may or may not get them. We are fortunate enough to be in a position to be able to pay for our daughters counselling ongoing for as long as she needs if she decides this is what she wants.....

Both myself and my husband have now switched charities to a more local one and are awaiting appointments.  We feel that we can cope in the meantime. We have been offered up to 24 sessions each.....

Thanks again, I really do appreciate you taking the time to reply.

Ali x

[CLKD]

Interesting about the Sue Ryder support - tnx Tc!

Little steps.  As years went by I gave myself 10 mins in the morning and 10 mins in the evening to totally focus on the gaps in my Life.  Now when I find a lovely space I take time to simply 'be'. 

[alibeau]

Interesting about the Sue Ryder support - tnx Tc!

Little steps.  As years went by I gave myself 10 mins in the morning and 10 mins in the evening to totally focus on the gaps in my Life.  Now when I find a lovely space I take time to simply 'be'.

I currently use the 10 mins to 'rest' my mind, to try and clear out all thoughts as my mind feels messy and busy.  I am scared to have time to simply be as my thoughts head off into areas that are just too painful...... obviously quite often this is unavoidable though.

[CLKD]

This too will pass.  We may not want to stop grieving - many feel that by letting go means that they care less but that simply isn't true.  It is never the same for each person because we all deal differently with situations. Put 50 people in the same experience and there will be 50 different reports and recovery journeys.

Adjustment is difficult - little steps 

[ElkWarning]

Good afternoon.

For a certain type of experience, one that's very sudden, over quickly and shocking, EMDR is apparently very useful.  The idea is that it shifts the persistent relived moment and allows for it to be processed.  In a situation such as yours, Ali, it's the recommended course of action in both an NHS and private setting.  I have a friend who was the victim of an unprovoked and multiple knife attack and he says it was really helpful.  He also works with British service veterans and says his client group have been treated with this method with success.

https://tavistockandportman.nhs.uk/care-and-treatment/treatments/eye-movement-desensitization-and-reprocessing-emdr/

It's really nice you can feel the love here. x

[alibeau]

Again, thank you both.

I really do feel the love and it means the world to me.

Ali x

[Jeepers]

Hello Ali

Firstly, I just wanted to say how sorry I am to hear of your dreadful loss, I wish I could  say something to help, but really, there isn't anything is there?  I hope that the love and support of your family and friends is bringing you a little comfort in what must be the saddest of times. 

I just wanted to say, that a couple of years ago, I lost my Dad, and his death was not really peaceful, and those last moments haunted me, and sometimes still do.
However, as time goes on, I have started to remember better times, and even though I still feel traumatised by the end, I can sometimes smile about my Dad.  Its still very early days for you, so as Elk says "be kind to yourself"

I use Calm, and find it invaluable for sleeping.  It works soo well, that I still haven't got to the end of the Matthew Mchaunghay story!

I'm glad you came here, there are a lot of amazing women here, and I'm sure that you will get loads of support,  I know I have

Take care Ali

Jeepers xx

[Sally S]

Just wanted to say how sorry I am about your daughter.  💐xxxx

[alibeau]

Thank you Jeepers & Sally S.

I too would be completely lost without the 'Calm' app.  Just being able to focus on the spoken words of the sleep stories stops my mind from wandering, a total godsend and like you I rarely get to hear the ending!!!

I had a mini melt down yesterday morning, we've still got a lot going on with the Coroner and also communicating with the school about how best to tell both my daughter's close friends about the cause of death.  We also were informed by the Coroner that there will be an inquest, probably in Feb.

Then I had a text from a parent saying that a group of my daughters friends want to do something in remembrance of her at their school prom next summer.  This is such a wonderful gesture, it means the world to me but is also a slap around the mush that she really is gone.

Things just got on top of me, I had a really really good cry and then a chat with Hubby, got it all out and am feeling brighter again today.

Thank you all for listening.

Ali x

[CLKD]

Our young people are more savvy about issues than we probably are even as adults.  Maybe get them into an intimate space with the knowledge that you have news about your daughter's cause of death and ask how much they know about the particular condition - bring it gently into conversation with a large box of 'kleenex'.  You may be surprised at how collected they will be about it.

No one reacts the same and we shouldn't assume that they will be as affected as you and your family as they are a step away and also, they will have filled their Life in other ways.  A prom involvement, how nice.  Maybe once they know more about the cause of death they will be able to focus on what do remember your daughter : a collection perhaps or a dance-a-thon ..........

I think you are entitled to have melt downs, it's expected and really is early in the whole process.