I have spent 30 years on antidepressants. Weaned myself off last year, realising or thinking i could cope with symptoms and i was mostly neurotic. Dysfunctional family and relationship with mother. Dad suicide, i felt guilty for years , mother didnt. Not confident as teen but also very naive. Didnt leave home when should and relied on mother's advice not to go to Art college. Big regret but think i would have still been naive and mucked it up. So almost 40 , 2 kids , single (my fault), in hospital twice with depression but often wondered if personality disorder but told no. Still felt square peg round hole , lot of symptoms fitted. Try to keep it under wraps control, act /be a grown up and most of past 15 years i have. worked hard in min wage jobs realised bored, what have i done with life etc. Started art degree, went pretty well until gran died and i didnt get there on time, depression again, guilty cocked it up again. Slowly felt switched off to my course, but pushed self to get on with it. Got HND , started degree, menopause started. Couldnt think, couldnt remember or take on any info. Never a genius but became stupid overnight, some stuff i just couldnt do. Gave up for a year. On and off different Meno treatments, initially so so tired, fatigue terrible . Not hot flushes all the other stuff , so felt alone. Sometimes on here helped. Decided to focus hobby/-fulfillment on my running (also self medication for depression) but slowly i feel like every slight trait is magnified 100% . Mood swings are sudden and intense. When i feel "down" i feel flat and irritable . I just cant speak to people which makes work hard as work with 2 blokes , my bosses who are lovely people but job very repetative. Min wage. Wage isnt prob but lack of interest is growing although i dont stop all day . I dont say much , difficult but also easy ,but not for them. They say i do a good job. I always say if you dont like it , fix it, and i keep hearing an advert for the Open University on the radio, but this time i have all this stuff going round and round- what if im a starter not finisher person who acheives nothing and is all talk. Today i came back from a day off having run a tough marathon, feeling initially good then by 11am my mood just changed (😮🤔) and i felt so fed up with job, myself but its a worse feeling , i feel like a stroppy teenager, mentally im throwing my dummy out the pram but i dont say any of this , thank god. Its the extremes. I was offered Citalopram recently when i considered going back on meds because i didnt like the person i was being but on top of being tired, that made me more tired and my job is very physical plus i feel so flat and empty sometimes ( a fellow meno sufferer described this, and another described a " is this it?" feeling) antidepressants just increase that feeling..
If anyone making sense of my garbled post and has similar feelings please tell me . Is this menopause depression and mood swings or am i just depressed anyway? Any ideas/experiences /suggestions appreciated.
Im pretty much on the limit of help meno wise, clinic and gp have been provided when asked. Thanks.
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Topic: Mental health question and mood swings (Read 1528 times)