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[CLKD]

Why?  I met a lady recently who cares for a neighbour who somehow manages to make her feel guilty during their conversations.  Sh has shopped for him for 5 years ........ she didn't really understand her guilt so I suggested that she makes some changes and has ready answers 4 when he begins pushing guilt buttons.

She asked me if I felt guilty because my Mum has gone into Care.  Why should I?  It was Mum's choice.  She is getting care which she requires.  I haven't felt guilty for years apart from a couple of incidences with my pets  which haunt me to this day.

I also feel guilty about all the times I have been snappy to DH    even though he tells me that he doesn't remember those .  I do though.

Can anyone explain guilt?

[Happytobe]

That's a difficult question CLKD. We feel guilty for a variety of reasons. I usually think about 2 types of guilt... false guilt and true guilt. True guilt I feel is about something that we have done or not done which goes against our moral code or moral absolutes ( if we believe there to be any). Eg. stealing would be against most people's moral code and is considered a moral absolute by some. So if we have stolen something we may feel guilty and I believe this to be true guilt. To deal with this guilt would be to make restitution in some way...to apologise, to return, to put right.
False guilt however is to feel guilty for something which is not considered to be against a moral code but for which we feel guilty for some reason.  Others can make us feel guilty even though we have not broken any moral code / moral absolute. An Eg of this would be the neighbour being made to feel guilty even though she has actually been helping and doing good. We can also lay false guilt on ourselves by having unrealistic expectations of what we should be doing. I think that where false guilt is concerned we have to take a look at what we feel guilty about and ask ourselves if we have actually broken a moral code. If not we have to be strong and refuse to take on the guilt no matter what others are saying or trying to make us feel... or for that matter what we are expecting of ourselves.
Not sure if all this makes sense ...It does to me but I may not have put it across well. 

[CLKD]

It makes Good Sense, 

I don't understand 'survivors' guilt' nor guilt surrounding parents that need to go into Care.  After all, I am totally unable to provide care that they may require: i.e. lifting, medical intervention which needs professional supervision, special foods - plus I live 2 hours journey away so cannot be there instantly.  If agencies have been put into place but eventually care in their home isn't enough to keep them safe, then that's what happens: into care. 

[CLKD]

Riddled with it all night 

[Jeepers]

Hi clkd

Shame and guilt are my default emotions. It's hard to know what has made me this way,  difficult childhood, bullied at school, abusive marriage, something else?

Low self esteem seems to be a factor, feeling like you don't deserve to be part of society, somehow you are less. Is it just how we are born?

Jeepers xx

[Ladybt28]

I think Happytobe hit the nail on the head - "false guilt on ourselves by having unrealistic expectations of what we SHOULD be doing".  Somewhere in our lives when we were young and forming our opinions we "learned" (interesting word) what life was supposed to be like, but we learnt it from people who's views were a bit skewed or who had their own agenda or who also had unrealistic expectations they projected onto us and we have dragged it all into our adult lives.  I also think sensitive people take this on board more fully than others that don't have those personality traits.
I know I grew up having very rigid ideas about "what living was like".  I still have various voices in my head that tell me stuff from my childhood...very recently I have "learnt" to tell myself that that it not how life is, but it there are still the subconscious reactions I cant control...I have just had to learn to "catch myself on" and not get sucked into past behaviours....quite so dramatically!!! x