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[Peroxideblader]

Hello ....well my 8 year marriage could be over soon we've had a talk tonight and I'm not the person he met I know I'm not. I used to bite my tongue a lot of the time and yes we've had a really bad stressful 2 years with my ever declining health and work issues but these last 6 months I can't seem to bite my tongue it's like 8 years of pent up anger and resentment have all come out. I'm so low everyday and just can't seem to cheer up..I know I have this severe sleep deprivation which makes me down and ratty but I used to still jump out of bed and crack a smile on my face albeit usually fake..now I lie in bed under a massive black cloud very very anxious and depressed.
I know I'm negative and moody now and I nit pick at my fella where before I just took all the bad stuff and kept it inside...
I am ruining his life and he's miserable I'm miserable and I really think I'd be better on my own for good..then I can't hurt anyone or let my moods affect any one else...
the reason I posted is I'm sure this is hormone related as I've been peri for years but the highs and lows are now just lows..can anyone else understand this in a relationship just suddenly becoming this frank no bullshit snappy person from nowhere..I am just so scared this menopause crap will lose me my marriage because I will leave him so he can find someone fun loving happy smiley all the things I'm not...I am seeing a private endocrinologist in January regarding my underactive thyroid the nhs won't confirm and she deals with menopause too so I'm hoping to see if anything shows on tests...I know meno tests are very unreliable in peri...just hoping someone else has felt like this ( I've told my fella I think it's menopause with it being like pmt full time but he's not one for compassion and thinks I'm just using it as an excuse for turning into a nasty miserable unlovable bitch) HELP

[Ladybt28]

Hi Peroxideblader - always difficult - would suggest it is hormonal - you don't say if you are on any hrt and if not then get some and see how it goes - it cant be any worse than how you are feeling now.  I do understand about the anger thing though.  To cut a long story short I had undiagnosed hormonal issue throughout my life before I got to peri and I am on my second marriage!

First marriage lasted 13 years but for the last 6 of them I spent everyday permanently angry. I'd promise myself that the next day would be better and different - but the next day was always the same! - I just wanted to kill him (and a few others too sometimes) but mainly I was resentful, wound up, in-patient.  I was just permanently seething!  It's not that the first years of our marraige were all blissfull and hearts and flowers or that there was anything fundementally wrong with my fella - but anyone who knows him and meets him describes him as having a rather "blah" personality - didnt make decisions, no ambition, no hobbies, couldnt take control of any situation basically "nice" but his get up and go had got up and gone on all fronts!!

2nd husband is my soul mate, the bees knees and we "fit" together.  Its not all rosey, there have been some mega tough times but we have been together 18 years. During that time I have been peri and have had problems with panic/anxiety/depression and some loss of libido but I have never experienced that seething anger every day.

I would suggest you get some hrt quick (try to get there before January) to see if it makes a difference before hiring a divorce lawyer because divorce is a serious business - you need to get well for you anyway regardless of hubby!  It depends how your marraige has been over the 8 years and if you can spot a turning point in your relationship and themaybe put the pieces of the puzzle together to work out whether it is actually health related to you or whether it is something underlying between the two of you.  First time round it was underlying between the two of us and would have failed I reckon looking back even if I had not had my health issues.  My 2nd marraige is surviving them just fine so it couldnt be that.

One thing though I hope it isn't him who has used the phrase "nasty miserable unloveable bitch" that you use in your post as that doesnt bode well and if it is you who is saying that about youself - you most certainly are not - what you are is a peri menopausal women who needs some help with her peri issues.  Sending much love!

[CLKD]

Sorry to hear that you are at a crux.  If my husband even hinted at not being sympathetic he would be out the door and locks would be changed!

Whilst it isn't up to others to be totally responsible for a person's happiness, it can go a long way !  Did you raise the subject or did he?

Mine hates confrontation.  Over the years I have offered him 'out' but he's still here    .  I have been a nasty piece of work at times  but he tells me he can't remember whereas I can, every time I've bitten his head off is part of the guilt that I carry.

Think about what attracted you to him initially and take it from there.  Ask him : "If I dropped dead right now, how would you feel?  I don't want to know but your gut reaction will mean how we move forwards". 

Don't assume that because you feel angry etc. that he wants out.  Men in particular aren't good at expressing their real feelings: Damned if they do, damned if they don't. 

Think also about what you would do if you were alone ........... OK you can punch a cushion and kick a door [I did many times  ] but would it be good for your over-all health?

[Dancing Queen]

Hi Peroxideblader,
Yes I can relate to what you are going through.  Although we have never married I have been with my partner for 25 years. He is a lot older than me  which was fine until the last few years. He is also a "blah" person (know what you mean Ladybt!) and I have to do everything to organise our lives and household. All fine until my hormones went beserk at the beginning of the year and suddenly I felt so angry and frustrated with him not being fun and having get up and go any more - not his fault I know but that was how I felt. He also doesn`t get the meno thing really. So I went on hrt and have calmed down a lot but something has switched in my brain that said I am not going to grow old by association, I`m going to do my thing and he can do his (mainly pottering around the house and garden), while I still support him I need to go out with my mates and dance on the table if I need to too. He`s ok with this. Sometimes relationships change in nature and if you can come to an understanding you can work through it. Good luck xx
     

[Peroxideblader]

thank you for your replies...I spent all last night awake worrying he slept like a log of course..we've not spoken today yet so it'll be either sulks or shouting again tonight..I really don't like the me I've become it's like I've no filter now and I won't take shit..it's a good thing on one way because our relationship has not been too good for a few years..he is very dominant and opinionated and doesn't take or ask my opinion on anything it's his way or nothing..I accept that's who he is but this last year I've felt ignored unimportant and disrespected..I always have but since my anxiety and panic attacks have escalated this year I've lashed out more and told him some home truths..he hasn't liked the new outspoken me I can't blame him as I have always been calm and let him get away with everuthing.  this new me is not nice and he wants the old one back.
clkd it was his words I quoted but I am a miserable boring cow he doesn't have fun with me I'm always negative and barely any sex so there's not much to stay for.
as for hrt I tried it about 8 month ago femoston but in the first 10 days on the oestrogen part I literally went suicidal so stopped it and I was fine again I was gutted as I'd hoped it would help. I did get oestrogel and utrogestan but I darent try it because of how based I'm feeling now I don't think I could take more ill effects on hrt..I intend on new year new start on hrt but if we end up splitting up I won't take it. I'm fine being miserable on my own and all the other shit symptoms as I've no one to take it out on.
I have tried telling him and showing him articles about depression anxiety mood swings in perimenopause but he won't read them..he quotes all the women he's known go through menopause and never been horrid like me...well lucky them!!! I'd hardly use this as an excuse if it wasn't what I thought was the cause...aarghhhhh..3 hours til horrible atmosphere again 😣😣

[Perinowpost]

Peroxidebladder so sorry you're having such a hard time, I couldn't pass your post without replying.  Ask yourself A) do you still love him? Because if you still do your relationship IS worth saving. And B) can you survive (emotionally/financially) if you split? I ask this because you could end up in an even worse position than you are now.

More than this though is your duty to yourself to get well. If/once you're feeling better you're in a much better position to tackle everything else. If you've only tried femoston there are many more options out there. There's the gel like you say + patches which are very good  (I use Evorel 50 and they've been life changing for me). I don't think you can underestimate how different you can feel once you find a regime which works for you. And don't forget hrt is not a drug (like anti depressants) but simply replacing the hormones the body isn't producing anymore, so ditch any guilt on that score.

I think of it as looking after myself and you deserve to do that too x

[jaypo]

Hi peroxideblader,so sorry about your predicament,its so difficult, I have a wonderful husband but funnily enough I just said to him the other week,why do you still love me,I'm not the same person who you chose to marry,he said I'll always love you, I know you'll come through this.thing is,why do you think he would want to find someone else,chances are,most women our age are going to go through all this horrendous menopause stuff,we shouldn't feel we are second rate citizens,we are suffering terribly,so unless he is someone who can get a 20+ year old,good luck to him,would you leave him if it was the other way around?
I really wish you well,it's hard work isn't it?good luck xx

[AgathaC]

For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health.....
I can't tell you how many ladies I hear whose husbands say things like “oh you used to be so blah blah...”
How does he know these other women sailed through the menopause and were delightful to live with and not horrid to anyone?

[CLKD]

That was my query: I would ask for proof, I would want to meet these women, talk with them: and also know how intimate he was in order to find out that they 'sailed through'.  Apparently.

People do get into bad habits together, it is sometimes easier to let issues 'go' for a quiet, easier Life.  But eventually those issues may become nagging etc..

So don't shout?  If you feel anger rising, walk away.  You've said your 'piece' and if he isn't listening at all then you need to protect your feelings.  Get that cushion and give it a Very Good Thump. 

Make sure that you have your finances up to date, talk to a Financial Advisor, ours is great.  Will you share a Pension for example.  Rent/insurance/moving costs.  Maybe a separation ?

[Ladybt28]

Um - when things go bottom up - I always think it is more comforting to have a plan - you don't actually need to use it but having it there is much less scary than being totally unprepared.  He bangs on about how miserable you are but he doesn't sound like a barrel of laughs either.  Maybe he should try looking a little closer to home!

I have seen both sides of the fence peroxideblader - my first husband moaned about how bored he was but basically never did anything to change our lives - he left absolutely every decision, where we went, when we went, what we ate, what we bought etc etc to me and so at the end of the day you end up feeling isolated and alone.  I came to the conclusion after 6 years living like that - that I was effectively living alone in our marriage looking after 3 children - he being the 3rd child! So I decided that it would be better to look after me and only 2 children! instead of having to carry him as well!  Talking about being a "blah" person it took him 3 months before he actually woke up and worked out what he had lost!

Now my 2nd husband; totally different - we share everything and he just gets me! Menopause, sex, lack of sex, moodiness - not a bother for him - we talk about everything and work it out together - he looks after me in all things and I do the same for him. Yes we have the odd blip - no one can please another all of the time but fundementally we fit together.

See where you say in your post that you were going to try new hrt in the New Year "but you wont bother if you leave" - you need to start looking after yourself more - difficult I know when another person is holding you down but if you do leave you need to be feeling well enough to deal with the upheaval.  Perinowpost is right hrt is not some sort of medication it is just natural stuff our bodies make and some of us really need it put back because we get appalling symptoms if we try to live our lives without it.  She's also right in that you need to answer those questions about your relationship as in "is it worth saving", " do you love him" and also is now the right time to split or do you have to stay a while to make those plans I mentioned above.

Men huh, difficult... just difficult all round most of the time but only you know what is really going on in your marriage.  Please try and get yourself sorted physically before January - why wait?

[Peroxideblader]

thank you all so much you've made me feel less of a total nut job and cow bag!!! sorry if I don't answer all your questions and comments.
yes I do love him a lot but don't like him right now he's not very understanding of mental health depression anxiety etc I'm his first committed relationship....he's very black and white I'm very grey and his mother is a hypochondriac big style and he just doesn't believe any health issues are not self inflicted or excuses for bad behaviour. and sadly his exes were alot older 2 went through meno without an issue at all hence his comments but he didn't live with them..we can always put in our happy smiley face part time..his mum sailed through hers too she calls me weak and melodramatic because she had no issues...good on her eh!!@
we've talked tonight about everything but the elephant in the room the fact I said I want a break so we're back to bury it under the carpet.
I know when I feel angry or sad I should walk away to a different room but it comes on so quick when he is insensitive or hurtful I just fire back which is so not me.
I darent try hrt before Xmas as he loves Xmas and I don't think he could take any more illness or side effects and me being worse as he's had enough already...he saw what femoston did to me so I can't risk that and ruin Xmas..I'm not the best anyway at this so called happy family time of year I act the role but my family cut me off 3 years ago so it's emotional and tough plus other Xmas issues so hrt is on hold for now.
counselling is not an option I've been there before I was married for 12 years to a lovely man my soul mate but we married afyer 5 weeks and although I loved him it was as a best friend not a lover or husband and we ended up friends sharing a house. we went to counselling but I couldn't open up as I knew the truth was too hurtful.  this time it'd be futile as my partner doesn't think we have a problem well he doesn't..it's just me that's become a nasty moody cow...doesn't need a counsellor to tell him that.
I don't think it helps that I'm on my own from 11pm til 6pm the following day and the empty long hours til I can get to sleep til 4am nightly are the darkest and it carries on into the next day..4 hours sleep and work where most days I don't see a soul...
like a lady said here..I agree sleep deprivation depression and hormonal see saw is not conducive to a happy relationship but afyer 6 years of this I can't see much changing..hence we wanting to be on my own so he can find someone else to make him laugh have fun have sex and just a nice life..he didn't sign up for this shite excuse my language 😥

[CLKD]

You didn't sign up for this either.

You sound as though you have already moved on.  So get your finances sorted, get C.mas out of the way - a bad time for many of us - then as Spring arrives, make your decision.  No he doesn't deserve your reactions but you aren't responsible for how he reacts when you scream and shout.  You don't deserve to feel upset.   HRT may be necessary as you are unlikely to feel any different when living apart - you will be alone 24/7 after all.

Maybe make notes!

[sheila99]

As shitty and hopeless as your relationship may seem, i'd Really resist making any decisions that will change your life dramatically until your head is in a better place.

This^^
I have been where you are (peri undiagnosed for 2 years). When you feel so bad, sleep deprived, anxious, depressed etc etc you are simply not in a position to make a rational decision. My husband is my soul mate but I'd have walked away if it wasn't for our daughter. I would strongly advise you to try HRT again.

[jaypo]

Oh my,you poor girl,isn't it infuriating when you hear “I know women who SAILED through the menopause “ oh woopyt bloody doo for them,this is YOU,his wife,maybe with his mother being a hypochondriac is making you feel he's put up with illness a lot & doesn't quite believe your symptoms are real? I know with me,my husbands ex wife was in & out of the priory but she was only an attention seeker (believe me) so when all this happened to me, I tried to hide it from him,didn't want him thinking he married “loony” number two but suppressing it all is a huge mistake,makes it all worse,screw Xmas,please do what's right for YOU,it's only one day,this is your life.
We're all with you here,sending hugs xx

[Peroxideblader]

hi well you're all correct I know I'm not in the right frame of mind to end things and I hope after Xmas to trial hrt check that off my list get my thyroid diagnosed finally and treated and depending on their outcome either split or stay. I'm setting my partner free letting him get a happy new life I know I'll be fine on my own I've been there. I get zero emotional support now I have no friends and family to talk to good or bad as my family are nasty narcissics and my close friends ended our friendship when I got divorced 9 year ago as they didn't agree with my choice. luckily I can vent and ask opinions to you lovely ladies it's so good to know you're there even if it's virtual friendship.
I just hope hrt can help with my awful mood swings and low low mood but whilst this sleep deprivation is going on I can't see it helping ...
from next year my only way round the lack of sleep is to employ someone to work the 8am til 12 lunch for me and I'll sleep from 4am til 11am at least I'll get sleep then. I don't like the idea as I was always a morning person early to bed early to rise and getting up at 11am will just make me feel even more of a failure and a waste of space.  sadly humans can be cruel and my sleep pattern is commented on that I'm lazy undisciplined and need to get to bed early...yeh right ..afyer 7 years of trying everything it's a medical hormonal issue not laziness. just I have such low self esteem that any criticism hots me ten times over 😣