LadyD - mourn. She isn't the mother you needed. Regardless of how she was parented! However, humans tend to take on persona of those who went B4, I saw it with my Dad ..... and could so easily have turned into him. But I stepped back.
Watching my Mum with the Staff in her Care Home shows that she a) needs someone to moan at with regards to perceived 'problems', i.e. noise. b) it's me she will have a go at because it's a bad habit. c) she has NO idea how she comes over to others. We all need someone to moan to about various issues don't we: but Mum goes on and on and - like a stuck record.
When I tell her that
my husband is the most important person in my Life she bristles, openly LOL! I've told that to people since she went into care, those who suggested "You no longer have to worry about your Mum". Well actually, I have never worried about her. She had a group of people who would help: "But I don't want to be a nuisance Dear", "They don't have time to bother with me Dear", "I can't keep asking them Dear" - well Mum, don't ask then. She had people in the Church as well as neighbours. I told her often when she moaned, "You are a Big Girl now who can make her own decisions about who to ask if necessary".
Ladies, I wanted to thank you all for sharing your experiences. I haven't posted on this matter since before Xmas as I gave in and let the Narcissist, stay with us as it was her 70th Birthday and everyone else seems to be fed up of her. Well as I should have guessed she spoiled Xmas and New Year and nothing was good enough for her and her sarcastic tongue. We are not speaking again ( well I am just giving her a wide berth ). She has now taken to FB to share many of her usual posts about families in conflict and you should also love your mother because when she is dead posts!. I have started a new job so when I have time, this month I am going to sort out counselling for myself as I need to be the best mum 8 year old daughter. It breaks my heart and I feel I have to grieve for a mother I don't and haven't really known, who is so bitter towards me. I am such a soft touch and like to think that I have a caring nature but even I know I have come to the end of the road and I am very sad about it in so many ways. I was an only child and for most for my early years it was just Mum and me, but looking back even then her actions towards me were not of a caring mother.Your Mum is a Big Girl. She's made her attitude quite clear to you. Now is the time to concentrate on your family and daughter. Firstly, to protect your mental health you need to distance yourself. It gets easier, trust me ;-). You are very astute about the situation you find yourself in. I look at mine sometimes and think "Are you really the person others think that they know or is this the 'real' you".
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R U able to block her FaceBook comments? I don't know how FB works - R U able to stop going to FB at all for 3 months ...... that way you don't have her mutterings interfering with your healing process. Often Mum would ring me (in the 1990s) ranting - I would then stew about how to help whereas she had dumped on me, got on with sorting issues and moved on. I can't tell you the hours I spent trying to find solutions! whereas in fact, she doesn't want them.
On Sat. when mine was complaining (again) about noise in the rooms along her corridor at the Care Home - and I mean she was getting quite het up about it all ......... insisting that she couldn't sleep whereas the hourly records show that she slept right through
- I got up and told her "I'll go and speak to the Manager in the Office". Her demeanour altered, "I'll live with the noise for another week and you can sort it next time you are here". So she doesn't want solutions! I know that noise in particular is a huge botheration World wide because we can't control it nor turn it off (4 me it's barking dogs down our street
and lack of consideration that owners don't seem to hear them) and I realise that Mum has little way of getting away from the noise .........
I think I've meandered enough