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[GypsyRoseLee]

Just to quickly recap, I have been feeling progressively better since early Autumn, on Prof Studd's regime + sertraline. My sleep has been excellent (in fact, struggle to get up) and the awful anxiety and mood swings seemed to be under control. I had a rocky December, with moods all over the place, and came close to having Zoladex + Livial, instead. But decided to not to.

But since the New Year, I've been getting better again, just a few blips lasting several days, but I always bounced back, and even during a blip I could power through it.

I started another blip 2 weeks ago, and after the first week I was also prescribed Oestrodose from my GP, and not the Estrogel that Prof Studd supplied me with. Same active ingredients, but different brand, and repackaged in the UK. Within a couple of days of using the Oestrodose my blip got worse. After 5 days I felt dreadful again. I got Prof Studd's pharmacy to send me more Estrogel, and it arrived on Thursday. Within a few hours of applying it, I felt much better and calmer. Friday morning, I woke without anxiety and felt fine.

But since Saturday, my mood has been SO up and down. I either feel almost hysterical with anxiety, or really drained and fragile. It's horrible. I feel like I'm right back and square one. I woke early this morning, with a burning sensation in my chest and felt awful. I got up, applied the gel (using 4 pumps) and felt marginally better for a few hours round lunchtime. But I'm fighting off waves of anxiety all the time, and I have diarrhoea.

I only used oestrodose for 5 days, and have been back on estrogel for 5 days now. Surely, I should be feeling better not worse? I don't understand why I'm feeling so bad again? Am I reacting to absorbing the estrogel properly again, and suffering oestrogen surges?

Also, my period hasn't arrived. I felt like it was due a few days ago (it always arrives around the 25th) and I had mild cramps and a headache, but nothing has happened. I'm due to start 7 days of 100mg of Utrogestan on the 1st, so I might get a bleed then (I did last month), so ended up having my own period for a couple of days, followed by a breather for 3 days, then a withdrawl bleed a few days into the Utro.

But, I felt FINE the whole time.

This month I don't know what is making me feel so dreadful. I don't have any bloating, or breast tenderness, and all my bleeds are SO light now, but I don't have any irregular bleeding ever, so I don't think it can be too high oestrogen (despite the 4 pumps). But, I can't think it's due to too high progesterone, as the Utrogestan hasn't been a problem at all.

I am at my wit's endwith this. Any words of wisdom or reassurance are very welcome.

[babyjane]

you poor love, I don't have anything useful to say as I have no knowledge or experience of HRT but I didn't want to just read your long, sad post and then turn over the page without offering a cyber (((hug))).

[GypsyRoseLee]

Thank you babyjane, I need that. I feel so horrible.

[Nerry]

Hi, Nice to meet you all.
I had my last period 5 months ago a few weeks before my 55th Birthday, late I know but I am certainly paying for it now, my menopause has hit with a vengeance, I'm not sleeping, having terrible night sweats, flushes but also cold flushes too, I ache and literally feel like I've been hit by a bus! I have tried a few natural remedies that have not worked and  If I could take HRT I would because I know it works, my symptoms are affecting my life badly, but because of a Family history of breast cancer I know it's not recommended, in saying that, is there anyone out there with that history but has taken HRT? I'd love to hear from you :-)

[GypsyRoseLee]

Thank you edelweiss. I have just looked back on my posts in December, and I was suddenly suffering just the same back then. A really horrible 2 weeks, with just a couple of random 'normal' days in the mix. My period was also very, very late in December, as in more than 2 weeks late (never been that late before). My period is late this month, too (should have arrived several days ago - so don't know if this is the cause?

God, I hope it lifts soon, I really do. I'm barely holding it together 

[GypsyRoseLee]

Hi stella

I tried patches for nearly a year, but was very up and down on them too. I'm just one of those poor souls who a really evil rollercoaster of a peri menopause. My physical symptoms are only slight, but the psychological pains are nigh unbearable

[GypsyRoseLee]

Thanks Edelweiss, you're very kind.

He's not especially forthcoming, it has to be said. I'm already on his 'gold standard' regime, and it seems to work for me much of the time. But this dark phases I get are just harrowing, and so frightening to experience 

[GypsyRoseLee]

Thank you, that means such a lot x

[MIS71MUM]

Hi GRL
Sorry things aren't great right now.

Try and hold onto this, you've been here before and you know your mood will come up back up again.

Also you have Livial and Zoladex as plan B.

On your other thread, Hurdity mentioned having your bloods done, maybe it's a good idea right now to see what's happening.

I know we seem to have very similar peri symptoms....so I know how you are feeling. I'm suffering myself at the moment being 8 weeks Post TAH,
Kept ovaries, flushes possibly into 3
Figures today. My brain in scanning like mad as to find when I last felt like this, and brings up memories of my breakdown. It's just a record that won't stop playing.

Good luck anyway, and I hope your blip passes quickly. Xxx

[GypsyRoseLee]

Hi Marchone (you were Mis71Mum, right?).

Feel slightly calmer now, but earlier was just awful. Had a horrible sort of surging sensation in my head, like my brain was about to implode. Really odd sensation.

You are absolutely right, that I have been here so many times before and it always passes. It's just that this is lasting a long time, and I'm starting to panic. Like you, I'm stressing that I'm going to end up having another mini breakdown, and maybe signed off work again. It doesn't bear thinking about.

I'm sorry you're struggling too. I'm just like you, in that as soon as the anxiety hits my brain goes into hyperdrive, and I'm frantically reading old posts on here, scanning the Internet, asking Dr Google 1001 questions. It's exhausting.

I have just realised I have all the symptoms for an over active thyroid, apparently - diarrhoea, twitching, rapid heartbeat, wanting to pee a lot, anxiety & nervousness, trouble sleeping.But two lots of bloods last year showed my thyroid being excellent.

I didn't realise you'd had a hysterectomy? What made you decide to keep your ovaries?

I hope your mood improves very soon, too xxx

[MIS71MUM]

Hi GRL

Yes I was MIS71MUM!

I think my therapist would call the scanning and searching that we do when anxious, safety seeking behaviour. It's hard to describe to anyone else but I know exactly what you mean.

I honestly think I have PTSD of the peri menopause breakdown I had. Every time I don't feel right, my brain flips - but it's doing what it's supposed to, by storing danger at easy to reach places. I just need to file peri menopause as something other than danger, if that makes sense!

Yes had a TAH due to adenomyosis- didn't get the choice about my ovaries unfortunately. My consultant said they looked healthy and advised hormone tests - the results were Oestrogen 91 pmol! Just proves looks can be deceiving! But also that blood tests can reveal lots.

The weeing lots though, surely that's a drop of a hormone, as I always used to get that before a period.

Good luck x

[Nerry]

Hi edelweiss, I wanted to do that but couldn't see where, that's why it is where it is, can you guide me?

[GypsyRoseLee]

I think safety seeking behaviour sounds about right. I am basically just seeking reassurance and comfort. I keep checking back in my old diaries and calendars, charting all my ups and downs, trying to see patterns etc. I feel agitated and anxious, can't relax or even sit still for very long.

And, YES, I am nodding my head vigorously at having PTSD thanks to what we've experienced thanks to the peri menopause. I feel exactly the same, like I have been left horribly scarred by what I have suffered. Even during my recent very good phases, I always have this shadow on my mind that whipsers 'What if it happens again?' It's like a faint, constant echo that stops me feeling like the old me.

Oestrogen 91 pmol is really low! Mine was 310 pmol when I first saw Prof Studd, and even when it went up to 600 pmol he said that wasn't high at all. It's so short sighted of them not to remove your ovaries, considering everything you have been through.

[Lizab]

Hi GRL. I hate to see that you're suffering still. I feel like we are part of a special club of peri troubles. As you know, I stopped the hormones just over a month ago. I am only the last few nights starting to have trouble with heat in the night, and feeling pre-menstrual tension something awful. The way I saw it, the rollercoaster I was on while on hormones was no better than I had been before the hormones. At this point I'm starting to feel exactly like I felt before I broke down and told my doctor I was going crazy, so back at square one. However, I feel like I've tried everything I could for now. My doctor isn't keen on giving me anxiety or depression meds due to an earlier bad reaction to one. I don't want to play around anymore, for now, with varying levels or forms of hormones. I simply can't do it anymore. I'm hoping if I can be patient my body will find balance on its own. For now, even with the flushes creeping back and the unsettled feelings, it's not great, but it's not any worse than the hrt. All that just to suggest perhaps you could give the hrt a break too. I'm thinking my body couldn't find the balance with me throwing additional hormones in the mix. I don't know though. Here's hoping we both get through this without too much trauma!

[GypsyRoseLee]

I hate that we have to suffer like this too. It's so cruel, and just seems never ending. Though it really helps to talk about it with someone who really understands.

These last couple of days I have felt as dreadful as I ever have in the past, like I'm literally splintering apart with the anxiety. Back to waking too early, filled with dread etc. Just like you, it feels like I'm going crazy, except I never actually do, I just feel like I'm trapped on the cusp of losing the plot. I think the fact that neither of us actually goes 'crazy' proves that this is a hormonal issue, rather than a full blown psychosis issue, if that makes sense?

But, weirdly, as soon as I start typing on here, or reading about hormones on the Internet I immediately feel much calmer. I don't really understand why that is? It's like I'm distracting myself. Do you get that?

I know exactly what you mean about giving up on HRT. I keep wondering how I would feel if I was on nothing? Though, when I'm feeling good, it's better than I have felt in years. So really worried about losing those feelings?

We'll have to hold each other's hands through this nightmare. We won't go crazy.