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[puddlesmum]

Ladies

I've been on Professor Studd's regime now for 6 months.  I thought it had helped but this last month I have been an absolute wreck.  George Michael dying Christmas Day triggered depression off in me again, and since then I've just not been coping well.  My therapist is trying her hardest to get me to relax but I still feel shitty.

My head feels like it's going to explode. I am not getting any restful sleep and either having nightmares or not sleeping at all.  Last night had a terrible nightmare which has stayed with me since I woke up.  I feel like my head is so full of wool there's nothing that can help. I just want off the rollercoaster.

Is there anything I can do?  Doctor can't do anything, Professor hasn't said anything even though I've emailed, so I don't know if upping my dose of Oestrogel will help or not or whether it's something else.

I miss my Mum so much too, could do with a surrogate mum right now to hold my hand and tell me it's going to be ok.

Jackie x

[warwick01]

Hi Jackie

Don't despair...... your not alone. Many of us have been there

Can you tell us a little more about you? are you peri or post menopausal ? how long have you been on HRT ?

I felt sad about George Michael too. I also have a fear of dying which has got worse since menopause. Anxiety is a big problem for me too, but in a better place that 12 months ago.

I'm sure more ladies will be along to give you some support.

Wxx

[SueLW]

Jackie, don't give up.

You say you thought it helped at first.  So that's good.  It can help.  Only it's stopped helping.

This might mean that you need more oestrogen, OR it might mean you need less.

I had been having a hard time of it even though I thought my oestrogen patch was what I needed.  Turned out that when I took it off and left it off for a number of hours I started to feel better quite quickly.  The next day I felt good, but I was going to an event so I put the patch back on.  However, even before I'd left the house I started to feel worse again so I just took it off and I had a great day.  In fact I've had lots of good days.  I had no idea that too much estrogen would make me feel like that.

So although you could experiment by increasing your dose, I suggest that first you try a day or 2 without applying any gel at all and see how you feel.  If you feel better then you will know your levels have built up and you are now using too much.  If that is the case you can wait until you start to feel some symptoms returning and then restart the gel at a lower daily dose.  It might be a bit bumpy at first when you skip a dose or two, although it wasn't for me.

Up until this point for me, I had always added more when I felt bad.  It tends to help for a while when an increase is made.  But not for long.  Reducing the dose had a lot better outcome for me.  Now I just have to find the right level!

Good luck.

[puddlesmum]

I "think" I've been in peri now for about 4 years although I can't be sure.  I've always had an issue with my hormones (always irregular and either light or heavy) as I have PCOS.

I'm 44 years old. My mum started her peri at 33, my sister was on the pill all the way through until she was in her 50s then came off and got depression but she soon got over that.

See I was going ok. Was having my therapy (been having that since June) to see if that helped and it did to start with. It's not helping now.

I'm on Seroxat 50mg and Propranolol 30mg. Loads of others like Evening Primrose Oil, starflower oil, vitamin d3 from professor.

I don't know, I've been trying to keep away from social media as I don't want to hear about another death as I'm so fed up with it.  Just lost too many people that were a big part of my youth.

OH is supportive but he's fed up with it now as I am.  Bleeding is a pain as it's never light. One I'm on now is Medroxyprogesterone induced and heavy has hell with clots and all.

Just want to have a good night sleep and to feel a bit stronger as I'm feeling like such a failure at the moment as I can't cope with anything.

[CLKD]

What did the Prof. suggest as your body adjusted to the hormone treatment?  If your own hormones are fluctuating they may over-ride his recommended regime, I would ring his secretary and ask advice.   There has been two Bank Holidays recently as well as the Prof. may be on holiday or holding Clinics.

As for heavy bleeding, your GP *can* give treatment to ease it.

Has your GP told you that he is unable to 'do anything' ?  Does your Surgery have a Practice Nurse or a GP interested in women's problems? 

As for the AD medication, maybe you require a different type, sometimes the brain becomes used to one type ......... I take 20mg Propranolol morning and night which helps mostly.  Seroxat made me angry 

[puddlesmum]

Professor hasn't suggested anything to be honest CLKD. I emailed him before Christmas about not taking Utro and he switched me to Provera.  But apart from that I've had no dealings with him.

Doctor is useless. We have 1 doctor on and you can't get an appointment with him for nearly 3 months unless it's an emergency and you have to call up at 8am but it's almost impossible to get through.  Called NHS and they were going to send an emergency doctor out to me but he never arrived.  Called again and they said that there was far too many people to see in surgery for him to come out to me (I'm housebound).  So been neglected totally.  I even asked them if they could just give me Tranexamic acid for it and they refused unless he came out to see me. Catch 22.

Nope surgery doesn't have anyone who is interested in women's problems. They've only just got a diabetic nurse at the surgery, they are so behind the times I'm surprised our files are on the computer and not still being etched into stone. 

I am so scared about changing ADs from the side effects that it stops me asking.  My surrogate sister swears by Xanax but again I'm too scared to ask about changing the meds as I am suffering so much at the moment that even a little change in ADs will throw me out of the cart.  I've also asked for them to refer me to the Psyche team but I've heard nothing.

[CLKD]

Have a look at the MIND Charity web-site, there maybe a contact e-mail address so that people can send messages, certainly when I required emotional support in Jan last year, our local Group were very helpful.  The Samaritans should be able to give advice too, they may have a list of support workers in your area in the first instance.  There is help out there but when I was severley depressed I couldn't lift my head from the pillow leave alone phone anyone  .  If your Surgery isn't helpful, is there another in your area that you could phone for advice?  Or the Psychiatric Dept. at the local Hospital/s or A&E Dept. of same.

If you miss your Mum do give CRUSE a call - they support bereaved people at local level. 

"Professor hasn't said anything even though I've emailed ....... " but "I emailed him before Christmas about not taking Utro and he switched me to Provera" - now *I'm* confused 

[puddlesmum]

What I mean with the Professor is I was bleeding heavily for nearly 3 weeks before Christmas. Was so bad I had to call the NHS. But I emailed Professor mentioning that I had bled so heavily and was feeling very very anxious that he said it was the Utrogestan and I was to switch to Provera instead.  All was ok until a week before Christmas when I started twitching then the anxiety started, Christmas Day came and went, OH couldn't eat as he had a mouth ulcer and made me feel really bad as I wouldn't eat without him.  Then George Michael died and I seemed to just lose it. Shocked me to the core that all these people I loved in my youth were dying and the realisation that at 44, I'm probably halfway through my own life and I'm still just here, nothing special done, nor produced a child which all my OH family desperately want us to have.  Although OH is very chilled about it, saying we can adopt anyway. But that's by the way.

[CLKD]

But it isn't 'by the way' it is impacting on how you feel.  These little drip feeds of others wanting things for you, regardless of why, can become tiring.  Whether you do/not have a child together is absolutely NOTING to do with his family!  [been there, done all that ;-)].

Do you mean that your OH was cross if you wouldn't eat without him?  Has his mouth ulcer healed, if not, off to the Dentist ASAP!!!

I would think that it's the hormone ups and downs that is making yo feel so bad!  Knowing why though, never helps the physicality of feelings dose it  (sorry spellings gone out the window this afternoon  ) 

I understand your reasoning about ageing ..... I'm older than you are and sometimes worry that I'm nearer the end of Life than previously 

[puddlesmum]

Oh no the OH couldn't have cared less if I'd eaten with him or not to be honest. It was more the fact that I had bought him special Bettys minced pies, and myself fat rascals but didn't want to eat them while he was sitting there in pain. Kind of spoilt my Christmas Day knowing he was in a lot of pain.  Plus I keep getting paranoid that he's caught something off someone when he never really goes anywhere and I've no reason not to trust him at all. Originally he said it was too much sugar (we're diabetic) but it's perfectly round and not like a sugar overload ulcer at all. Thankfully he's got the doctors tonight at 7.20pm (he only got that because he told them that he works when he's actually my carer). 

Thing is on the kid front, we still talk about "when we have kids" - we've been trying for 17 years (I had a miscarriage right at the beginning of our relationship) and since I'm morbidly obese we never really sought help as they would always state that I was too fat for anything to be of use. I lost 8 stone, but put it all back on and have started to lose it again now (nothing is stopping me this time) and so after I lost the 8 stone originally I thought right, let's go all out to get pregnant. Then all the peri symptoms started.  I so desperately wanted to be someone's mum and to give him a child, but when I think logically about it, I'm still like a kid in my own head and don't even feel old enough for the responsibility that it would bring.  I have friends of my age that aren't even married, so heaven knows why I feel so guilty about it all.  His mother and sister always seem to look down at me because they think they're so great, but I ignore them. OH tells them to STFU and is one of the most laid back blokes I've known so god knows why I'm so stressed all the time over things.

What I don't get it there comes a point where I feel this emotional click, it really happens, not all the time, but sometimes I get this distinct emotional switch that always feels like a pressure valve going off which takes all the foggy head with it.  Usually happens when I come on my period, but this 6 months it's been missing.  It would usually click then lighten up all the pressure I was going through in my head, but since I've been on the BHRT I've not had it. I get 1 week where I'm my old self, the "I can handle anything" me then my knee starts to ache and that follows with the nervous shaking, then into depression and anxiety. I just want off the rollercoaster for a year.

[CLKD]

WOW I bet you want off!  HORMONES 

Well done on losing the weight, if you did it then, you can again.  Could you speak with a dietician at the Hospital, you could ring to see if one works there.  It's about eating less and exercising more  but I'm not good on the exercise issue .. I can make up any excuse not to although remember, housework and gardening count ;-).

Is there a Nurse or Weight Watchers locally?  Anywhere that you can get support?  A friend of ours read her cookery books and choose meals that she fancied, took a shopping list and bought the basics one month; the next she filled her cupboard/freezer with foods that she fancies and now plans ahead. 

After writing out a meal plan for the week she cooks one meal for the family of 5, they eat together and if they are going to be late, they are encouraged to 'phone home'. In 5 months she's lost 3 stone ...... any left overs are made into nourishing soup - so it can be done.  The eldest son, now aged 17  cooks 1 meal a week and his sister washes up.  He is keen on mountain biking but that is a step too far for her 

This too will pass ........ I think if people feel supported they feel better! otherwise ! 

[puddlesmum]

I'm ok on the food front I tend to keep away from anything high carb since that affects my blood sugar, and eat lots of protein. Exercise I'm not so great on either as I can't move about, although I did start to do a bit of boxing back then when I lost the 8 stone and I quite enjoyed it. Right now I'm just concentrating on keeping the blood sugar normal which then makes it easier to lose the weight.

I've definitely lost some over the last few weeks that the hormones have been playing up as I now have one skinny ankle and one not so skinny.  Last time I lost it all on my chest first, so at least I won't be called "pancake tits" for a while yet if it starts at the ankle.  Such joy.

I really can't wait though for this latest horrible mood to go away as I love life normally, just hate the way it makes me feel like this.  Might not use the estrogel tomorrow and see if it makes a difference. I'm also sitting in front of a light box in the mornings as I swear the fact that it's dark at 3pm here (I'm only in Essex) doesn't help, and the fact I'm taking 5000mg or whatever they call it of Vitamin D3.

[CLKD]

I went to Essex 18 months ago and was nicely surprised, previously I had thought it was like scenes from "Great Expectations"  .  One can be in the depths of beyond though ....... how many GP Surgeries in your area?

I was told to eat little and often: including sandwiches, biscuits, bananas, dried fruits and nuts ...... every 3 hours.  I had a puppy at the time who soon discovered that when she went out in the early hours, there were biscuits to be had by the bed  .

We need calories to burn off calories, apparently  .  I find salad boring >yawn<

[puddlesmum]

Actually not that many and the ones we have aren't accepting any new patients sadly.  The one decent doctor we had there decided to become a locum but at the moment I believe is in Uganda at a teaching hospital which he does 3 months out of every year.

I'm about 10 minutes drive from the beach which is beautiful in the Summer, but too cold right now. That's one of the things I noticed when I moved from London (and after having neighbours who had heating on 24/7) was just how cold it was moving here.  Although one of the things I love in the Summer is when you get up early and can smell the sea on the breeze. One of the most beautiful things living here that is.

I am also 20 minutes away from Jaywick (I don't know if you've seen Benefits By The Sea) but don't venture anywhere near there these days (used to go there to visit the diabetic nurse as we had none in our area). 

I daren't have biscuits in the house as the OH goes down them a dozen a go.  Although I do still have some danish butter biscuits from the 2kg tin I bought for us for Christmas purely because it reminded me of my childhood. Suffice to say they tasted nothing like they did back then so it was a waste of money and effort to find them.  I don't actually go that mad on them as he does, yet I'll still get the blame for having them in the house if he eats too many lol.

[CLKD]

Things taste differently these days, Himself tells me that it's my hormones   

I love walking along a beach on a cold morning, not one of those wet windy 'blow you over' mornings but sun from a cold blue sky.  Wolly hat, warm gloves, leggings over jeans and a thick water proof ...... a good way of 'me' time!  It was so cold on one beach that even. my dog turned back to the car  .