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[Babsm67]

Hello, I hadn't posted on here or a few weeks (put a reply on earlier) because I have been feeling so confused & 'lost'.  I had a breakdown around a year ago & ended up resigning from my long term TA job in spring after being off sick for weeks.  After a summer of trying to recover,  during which I volunteered, I had to start earning money again & ended up turning down another TA job for September because my confidence had gone - I felt I wouldn't cope.  Instead I took a supermarket job & absolutely hate it.  During Sept., I finally starting having the CBT that I had waited 5 months for & started applying for TA jobs around Christmas.  I was offered an interview but turned it down because I couldn't face being observed - the thought of being watched terrifies me - I never had to do this for my old job or for the TA job I was offered for last September.  I finally pushed myself to go through with another interview which was nervewracking & I was offered relief work but ended up missing the second day of my training last week because of problems at home, firstly with my son but also with my own anxiety.  As it is now half-term & I never heard anything more last Friday, I am assuming I have messed up any chance of work there.
In the meantime, my son, who is autistic, has been extremely unsettled at college & was asked to stay off for the rest of last week. He has social interaction problems & has ended feeling agitated by certain other people in his class wherever he has been.  He is going to be moved to another class but we have been down this road before.

I found out yesterday that the day I had booked off had been declined & I was expected to go into work.  No one told me about this & that day had been booked for over 4 months - it marred what was supposed to be a relaxing day off yesterday.  My husband has now said to hand my notice in as he can see how awful my workplace is.  The problem is, I will need to start earning money again eventually but do not have a clue what I am capable of anymore.  My confidence has completely gone & this perimenopausal experience is on another level altogether from any anxiety & depression I ever had before (I do have other perimenooausal symptoms).  I literally feel I want to hide away from the world & never have to go into work again.  How do I get past this?  I used to be on some excellent anti-depressants but I cannot take these anymore as I now react to them.  CLKD suggested that the tablet coating could be the problem so I asked my (locum) GP if it could be prescribed in liquid form (as I knew it had been available in this form after looking online) but was told it was only available 'on a special prescription'.  I also asked for Amitriptyline but was also told that this is now only prescribed for pain so no joy there.  Taz2 also suggested at the end of December that I take time out from work & I know I need this - the problem is, what happens when I go to apply for something in the future & the prospective employer sees that I have left TWO jobs with nothing to go to?     X

[Taz2]

Hi MadBloss. I think that your husband is right. It doesn't sound a very supportive place to work and this is not helping you. I can understand the worry of what you will do after your break from work but try not to think that far ahead. I believe that during your time without having to stress over the work issue you will begin to feel more relaxed and, in turn, your confidence will start to return. At the moment you are so involved in it all that you can't see clearly outside of the situation you are in.

As your son is autistic you know that he will pick up on the slightest thing - change in mood etc. - so this may also be beneficial for him in that if you are less anxious yourself he may become more settled in college. As women we are extremely good at hiding how we really feel and for most of our friends or family members it works but this is not the case with someone who is autistic. This doesn't mean that his current unsettled state is your fault by the way!

You have done a really good job at trying to keep all the balls in the air while dealing with your own anxiety but now may be the time to listen to your husband and just take some time out. Try not to even think about what you will tell next potential employers - that's in the future - you need to deal with today.

Have you considered HRT for your peri symptoms? It's a shame that you can't continue with your anti depressant - which one were you on? There may be another which is close to it which will help you get over this difficult time.

Taz x 

[Briony]

Hi MadBloss

Sounds like you've got a lot on your hands at the moment, so just wanted to send you a 

Taz has given you some brilliant advice. The only thing I would add is that have you thought about a side ways move from being a TA? Sadly, you will find that with the new Appraisal system, more and more is placed on TAs and observation is now the norm in many schools. If you still want to work with young people, have you looked for jobs in youth services or after school clubs? They tend to be less pressured/formal. The shifts are usually shorter too, which you may find less daunting? These jobs are often advertised on your county council/local authority's website.

Really hope things start looking up soon x

[Kate50]

Dont go to work if your husband is happy to support you don't go to work!  Your son is Autistic that's enough to cope with give yourself a break work isn't everything. Money can't bring you happiness only your peace of mind can. My daughter was diagnosed with autism 8 years ago and all the rest that went with it.  Work went first and it never returned don't miss it and don't miss the money it gave me time to sort my head out.  When people say what you do I say I'm working on myself! 

[Babsm67]

Thank you, Ladies, for your kind and supportive replies. Xx
Taz - My husband was worried about my job record at the end of December but he is now being supportive.  I am handing in my notice tomorrow & will just have to stick it out for the next four weeks but at least, after that, I can take time out.  I am assuming that the school that offered me relief work will not want me now but I will not know until next week as it is half term.
My son does definitely pick up on my moods, however much I try to hide them.  His social issues have worsened since he was 18 & he left another college last summer.  He had the same problems in his final year at his special school & I quite often had to come out of lessons in my o!d workplace because the school was phoning me about incidents that had occurred.   I just want to be there for him & for him to be happy.  The AD I used to take was Escitilopram which CLKD takes - I only needed 5mg & that worked for years but no longer - it causes my skin to itch & come out in red bumps, gives me dry itchy eyes & chronic insomnia.  I have tried other AD's which have either had me nearly climbing the walls (Setraline) or turned me into a barely functioning zombie (Mirtazapine). Asked for Amitriptyline but was refused it two weeks ago (now only prescribed for pain, apparently).  I do have oestrogel only (one pump) for the second half of my cycle but haven't noticed any difference yet - maybe I need to give that more time.  The gynae gp suggested that I use a Mirena coil as she said it would lighten my periods & help PMS but I am concerned that the PMS will worsen as anything that involves synthetic progestogen has turned me into a wreck in the past (it is still sitting in its box in my wardrobe!) xxx
Briony - yes, I am starting to think TA work is no longer for me although the relief work would have been more informal as it was casual but I think being a permanent TA wou!d be too stressful now.  My last workp!ace had changed dramatically from when I started & I increasingly felt I had to show I was ambitious when, in reality, I was not because I had other people to think about.  It was made clear to me that I should not have turned down an online course (to be done in my own time at home) because I was not going to be able to put the hours in (I was dealing with my son's transition from schoo! & all the paperwork that entailed, at the time).  I have thought about doing an ICT course to get my admin skills up to date but I will wait until I feel better first. Xxx
Kate - I don't blame you for giving up work - at least you can be there for your daughter without any outside pressure.  I would have given up years ago if I had been able and perhaps volunteered occasionally as I did this last summer.  It fitted in around my son's needs (I still do volunteer for one morning per week) & there was no pressure.  Unfortunately, I had to start earning money by September.  My husband is willing to support me for the time being but it would be a struggle to do it indefinitely.  Doing casual paid work a coup!e of times during weekdays wou!d suit me if I could eventually get it but I will definitely make the most of my time out (4 weeks to go!) I like the term 'I'm working on myself' - I'll have to remember that! Xxx
Thanks again to all of you xxx 

[Sooby]

MB having read your thread I would suggest that your lack of confidence is probably the result of a number of factors however my recommendation would be to focus on how you feel at the moment ( rather than why you feel it) and where you want to get to in the future ( so that you can move toward it ) dont give yourself the pressure and stress of a time frame as this will just result in taking a job in desperation and panic which is unlikely to give you fulfilment.

My suggestion would be to sit down and work out exactly what the two of you NEED to bring in and what your percentage of that needs to be. Then play around with ways that you could generate that income in more creative ways. Perhaps you could set up a posh cleaning service and charge double what you get paid in the supermarket? An ebay shop? Child minding service? Doggy day care?

There are lots of ways to earn an income without appraisals, judgments, assessments and  performance targets. I would suspect that you were unhappy in your original TA role for some time but bullied yourself into doing it for the money. But once you let the genie out of the bottle its hard to make it go back. Your subconscious knows it isnt what you want so dont try and fight it. There are some great exercises in a book called What Colour is my parachute for job seekers and career changers. My guess would be that if you can find a working environment that you enjoy, you will be able to return to work. You may always be a little uncomfortable about being judged or scrutinised but I 'm sure that you will adapt to manage your feelings.

See this as a positive opportunity to change career direction rather than feeling you have failed as a TA. x

[Babsm67]

Hello Sooby, thanks for your interesting & informative reply.  I did try to reply sooner but I had problems with my tablet conking out & then with typing it yesterday - my tablet went a bit haywire!  I think you have hit the nail on the head in that I do not really want to be a TA anymore - well, not in mainstream school or on a permanent basis, anyway.  However, I definitely would still be happy to do the casual work as that is of a completely different nature (it involves caring - something I have a lot of experience in & have the patience & compassion to do).  It is also in a much more informal environment without the demands of additional paperwork, meetings etc...  Plus, it fits in around my son & I would be with him for the majority of the ho!idays.  My husband is being supportive about this as there are not the ties (mainly having to take our holiday during school holidays) that I had before.  You were right in that I was unhappy about my last TA job & I DID bully myself into staying, more because I didn't really want to leave the children, who were lovely, and I was terrified of change.  In the end, I had no choice because I was so ill & cou!dn't face going back to an extremely intimidating atmosphere.  My lack of confidence has dogged me for as long as I can remember but it is particularly bad at the moment & I have not been strong enough to use the CBT strategies that I was taught late last year.  The cost of going private for talking therapy has been putting me off but I really must give MIND a ring to see what they can offer (the nearest branch is 9 mi!es away).
 Since I last posted, I have been offered some casual work for next week, which I honestly was not expecting so all has not been lost.  Also, in the meantime, I have handed in my notice at the store & feel a huge sense of relief.  The customers have been lovely & leaving them is the only thing I feel any sadness about. 
The next few weeks will be more demanding than I would like as, I will be doing both jobs together (if I get offered more casual work) until my notice period ends (4 weeks) but I feel I need to give the relief work a chance.  If I find it is not for me after a few weeks, my husband has said he will support me in whatever I decide to do.  Just the fact that I have an end date in sight for the supermarket job has given a little lift to my mood.  I have ordered that book you recommended as I read the reviews & it sounds like it would be very helpful.  I did an online skills test before Christmas & it pointed towards a caring profession.  I still feel updating my admin skills would be useful as a back up when I feel more up to it but not yet - I will see what is suggested in the book.  In the meantime, I need to go back & see my usual GP to see if HE will prescribe Amitriptyline to me & keep persevering with the Oestrogel to see if it helps my mood swings.  Thank you again xx

[Sooby]

You are most welcome sweetheart!

      The challenge that I have found with all this silly hormone nonsense is that we get so exasperated and depressed about our emotional over reactions that it can be hard to sort the wheat from the chaff and work out what exactly is going on in our heads and our hearts ( never mind our ovaries lol!) There can be a tendency to start doubting our genuine emotional responses to things and to try to suppress our subconscious messages with tablets. It can all get very muddled.

   After all we are sensitive creatures with high levels of perception, emotional intelligence and instinct. I love those qualities in myself and other women and its important to me not to lose sight of them. I would rather accept that they have become heightened rather than loose them. So along with some help from HRT....I'm trying to make friends with the menopausal me. 

  I can completely relate to your lack of resilience in being judged and appraised as I have also noticed a definite decline in my tolerance of criticism from others. I guess that I have always struggled a bit with this really but as I approach 50 I'm kind of coming to terms with this decline and accepting it as age, wisdom and ego.

   I can tell from the number of job offers that you have had and the impact on those you leave behind that you work hard at all that you do and guess that you expect a great deal from your self so I'm going to ask you to mull over a question that I have recently asked myself......Could the over sensitivity around judgment come from years of judging yourself harshly?

  re finding someone to talk to - I have found it hard. I have finally got a place on a course run by mind in a neighbouring town which starts in March, It would have been better to have something one to one much sooner but now the HRT is kicking in I feel I can wait. The course is for 4 weeks and is called Right to be me which really struck a chord with me so I'm looking forward to it. Actually thats a break though in itself as I havent been able to look forward to anything for sooo long!

  When you get the book try the flower exercise and if you are a visual person you could have look at mind mapping by Tony Buzan and illustrate the things that are important to you. It will help you stay focussed on finding the fulfillment that you seek and perhaps more importantly help you to recognise when you have found it lol! 

   I would happily chat to you MB but I dont think newbies are able to PM each other 

[Sooby]

Thank you Sparkle,

   reading your affirmation of my post was lovely. x

[Hurdity]

Sooby/MadBloss - you can pm each other - it's either 10 or 20 posts you need and I see you both have this

Hurdity x

[Sooby]

Oh thanks Hurdity 

[Babsm67]

Hi Sooby, Sparkle & Hurdity, thank you for your replies.  Yes, I do tend to be self-critical, hence me having the CBT which I waited a long time to receive.  I have always felt that I am 'not good enough' & felt overshadowed & intimidated at my last workplace because I was seen as not having enough ambition. I had taken AD's on & off for many years (SSRI's) and my emotions were definitely numbed but they kept the hideous anxiety attacks at bay as that used to be my main problem.  However, I cannot seem to tolerate those AD's any more.  That 'Right to be me' course sounds like something I cou!d do with - I really must ring MIND in this coming week as I still haven't done it. What you said about not looking forward to anything for so long - I know the feeling as I have lost interest over the last few years in many things I used to do.  What on earth happened?  l went into work today & it was non-stop - I am just so glad to be home now.  The book has arrived & I hope to get some time to read it later.   I will PM you sometime soon, Sooby Xx
  Sparkle, I don't blame your daughter for feeling relieved - she will not have the horrible early mornings any more & will have more time to concentrate on her course.  I actually woke at 5 30 am this morning, feeling anxious about other things then remembered I had to go into work later on & had the familiar churning stomach (I actually took 2.5 mg of diazapam because I felt as if I was going to have an anxiety attack). My period will be due sometime in the next week & I missed a dose of Oestrogel - that might not have helped!  Xx
Thanks, Hurdity for letting us know about the messaging - I have sent a couple of PMs in the past but didn't know if Sooby was able to do it yet xx