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[Ju Ju]

Ooh! My icons have suddenly found their Christmas hats! Bit late! Soft ware......

Perhaps we have to be friends with ourselves first, before being a friend to others and allowing others in?

[CLKD]

Your hats been to another Party then 

I find that having a good GP, a loving Husband, a reliable Dentist and local Pharmacist helps enormously.  Chatting to neighbours can be enough most days.

[getting_old]

I've never really had a best friend, except possibly OH (but that's now over), but never felt like I'm missing anything. I never wanted to invite people home because of my mother so tended to keep people at arms length and it's just continued from there. We've moved around a lot and I've never really gelled with the other wives because we've not had much in common so after a few coffee get-togethers things just tail off. Where we are now I feel like so many of the locals just want to be my friend to get something from me. I know that sounds cynical but one woman I met tried to sell me a mortgage after I'd chatted to her a few times 

[Louisa]

My friends have gone, the friends I have now are my husbands friends

[jedigirl]

My daughters friends Mum came over for a cuppa yesterday while collecting her daughter. Was a pleasant enough time but she talked about a falling out she'd had with her sister for over 40 minutes and every time her phone buzzed she would stop and answer it  I felt more like a confessional box.
I will chat over anyones problems with them but it didn't feel like a two conversation at all. Not really the type of friendship I want though i would never snub her.

[babyjane]

I have found a number of friendships to be very one way, as in I made all the running, phoning, contacting, suggesting and inviting. I couldn't tell whether they really wanted my company or were just being polite so I stopped and waited to hear from them. In the case of some of them I am still waiting which rather tells me something.

[CLKD]

That happened to me.  We are in groups for various hobbies but rarely in touch outside of them.  Other friends that I tried to keep in touch with became hard work.  e-Mail helps a bit.  But I didn't send some cards in November and wonder how many people will contact us to see if we are OK 

I have found in more recent years that people fill different needs at different times.

[limpy]

I will chat over anyones problems with them but it didn't feel like a two conversation at all. Not really the type of friendship I want though i would never snub her.

What type of friendship do you want, you said at the top of this thread that you wanted a close friendship   

[babyjane]

These days I find online friendships such as we form on this forum are far more fulfilling and less threatening or demanding for me as I can choose the pace I can cope with. I also feel I can be far more 'myself' because I don't feel I am being judged even though I doubt any of us will ever meet in real life.

Friendships I have made on forums in the past, when translated into real life, have not been a success. this forum is a very good 'friend' to me and I thank you all 

[limpy]

Online friendships through this forum helped me massively when OH was in hospital over the festive period in 2014. Also, when he had his heart procedure done at the end of February last year.  When I was scared and came on here, there was always somebody here to help.

Ok, it wasn't "Real Life" but it helped so so much.

[jedigirl]

Limpy,
I do want a close friendship but this lady just wants to rant every time I see her, she rarely asks how I or my family are. As i said I will happily chat about someones troubles but surely a true friendship goes both ways? I know all the ins and outs of her family and i doubt if she even knows that i have three brothers she just doesn't ask.

babyjane i agree this forum is great

[limpy]

Limpy,
I do want a close friendship but this lady just wants to rant every time I see her, she rarely asks how I or my family are. As i said I will happily chat about someones troubles but surely a true friendship goes both ways?

babyjane i agree this forum is great

Jedigirl - Ah,  so a close friend mustn't be one with their own troubles who is preoccupied, fair enough.
Online friendships might be the way to go, they have helped me a lot in the past

Online friendships through this forum helped me massively when OH was in hospital over the festive period in 2014. Also, when he had his heart procedure done at the end of February last year.  When I was scared and came on here, there was always somebody here to help.

Ok, it wasn't "Real Life" but it helped so so much.

[jedigirl]

 ???Oh come on Limpy, I've known her 4 years and she's had plenty of troubles that I've been very supportive of. Does the close friend thing not apply to her too, that she might notice when I'm struggling? Sigh.

[CLKD]

Friendships can become habitual though.  Some are givers, other friends drain the energy from us.  It takes skill to be a good listener ………. moaning can become a habit (Mum does it all the while  )

Someone used to moaning to others will not be a listener, their problems will remain more important than yours.  Which is where professional counselling comes in …………

Many years ago I went to see a friend because I felt ill - she met me at the door with "and you think you've got problems!" and went on about how difficult it was to sell her house.  That was in 1991 and she hasn't to this day, asked me why I went to see her  .  I backed off after that.  I have been to see her more recently but for old times' sake rather than expecting anything more.

4 years in the big scheme isn't actually long.  Especially if a person needs to vent, I would by now be pointing her in the direction of her GP for counselling  .  It also depends on what is happening in my Life - for 2 years I've not seen a few friends due to my anxiety levels being raised - it was easier not to make arrangements because it meant I remained stable.  One of those friends died suddenly on 3 December and I had no idea that he was so ill  - but my anxiety meant that I could not be relied upon to offer support.  It's swings and round-abouts sometimes 

Only by joining a group or volunteering is a person likely to meet new people with which to converse.  Only then can 1 judge if that person is suitable as an acquaintance or is likely to develop into a friendship which can take weeks or sometimes years.  Some Charities have people who regular visit those living alone as a 'befriending' scheme ……… some people go to help children read in school …………

[Dorothy]

The level of give and take in a friendship will fluctuate over time.  When my father died 2.5 years ago, I was 'taking' most of the time from 3 of my closest friends.  Now all 3 of them are going through traumatic times so I am 'giving'.  I know when things get better for them, they will start giving more, just as I did.

But if a friendship is consistently one-sided, it's not healthy.  If you've been friends with someone for 4 years and they've always been taking, they are never likely to give, unless they have some major help changing their worldview, because they see their own welfare as more important than anything else.

I'm someone who is naturally a giver and I used to find it really hard to go into 'take' mode.  But I've learned it's important to both sides of a friendship that we both have the opportunity to be givers.  Denying someone else the opportunity to give can actually be quite selfish in a weird way!  People tend to think of one-sided friendships as being one person always taking...but one person refusing to take can also make friendship one-sided!