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[jedigirl]

That's what I'm talking about Dazned, cherish your friendships! x

[dazned]

I will and I do 

[jedigirl]

Strangely all my kids have stayed close to their primary school friends though now all at comp or above. My daughter especially has close friends of both sexes, thankfully, she needs them at the moment. Having said that we haven't moved around as I did as a child so they've been able to maintain links.
My oldest isn't great at keeping in touch with his but seems to be able to step straight back into old friendships easily. Maybe that's men for you.

[Dorothy]

Maybe our culture isn't so 'best friend friendly' now.  I read an article a couple of years ago - around this time of year because it was talking about new year resolutions - and it said that if you have known your best friends for more than 6 months you should ditch them and get some new best friends so that your life wouldn't become 'boring' and 'stuck in a rut'.  Couldn't believe what I was reading - after 6 months, I'd be thinking that someone was moving from being an 'acquaintance' to a 'friend'.  And out of my 'best' friends, the newest friend is someone I have known for 9 years!

I guess I would define a 'best' friend as someone you can guarantee will be there for you and whom you can tell anything to without worrying about being judged/rejected or gossiped about.  My best friends are all girls I've known for a long time (1 x 32 years, 2 x 27 years and 1 x 9 years)  I see one every week or so, the other every couple of months and the other two hardly at all (one lives in NZ now!) but I know I can trust them and they would support me in any way they could when I needed them.  Of course, its a two-way thing.

I have other friends I meet with for socialising but wouldn't necessarily regard them as best friends - they are just folk I get on well with and enjoy hanging out with.  Maybe at some point one of them will turn into another 'best' friend, but I don't think that's something you can plan or make happen. 

If you want more/closer friends, I'd suggest starting by building on the friendships you have - think of someone you might like to know better and invite them round for coffee/out for a day shopping.

[Two hoots]

I feel the same, I changed schools regularly and worked with people older than me, so I didn't make long lasting friendships with anyone of my age, it's only the last few months I have felt I'm missing that special friendship too. I lack the confidence at the moment to go out and join a group, but maybe in the future.

[Louisa]

A best friend wouldn't expect too much of you and would accept you for who you are including your needs.

My best friend disappeared when I was diagnosed with ME/CFS.  I'd known her from being about 4 years old until I was 51.

[jedigirl]

Ditch a friend after 6 months Dorothy?  wow, that's a harsh article!! I wouldn't expect my friends to keep me from being stuck in a rut! How strange.
I do think you are right about building on the friendships I have. As the kids are getting older and needing me less and less I am realising I need to put more effort into my friendships.
This year I became close to my daughters boyfriends Mum , we just clicked. When the kids stopped going out we kept in touch but naturally she was a little guarded for a while. Lately we have been chatting more and more , she often messages me before work, and seem to have so much in common. She is very down to earth, caring and just a lovely person. I think we can be good friends in time.
Two hoots, I hope you find a friend to share giggles with too.
Louisa, maybe your "friend" will come back although I'm not sure a true friend would leave in your time of need.
I wonder do men have the same need to have a good friend of the same sex?

[CLKD]

My husband doesn't.  It's been me who has kept in touch with people from our past.  We had a social life many years ago and we did the 'come round for a meal' scenario before we moved here - then I decided that I had grown out of all that.  I know that I can tap on a neighbour's door for help if necessary.  We have people with lots of skill basis close by which is handy.

We have stayed here but friends have moved away.  Some I can pick up with like we've never been apart, others I am in touch with via e-mail.  Some who I was close to have disappeared out of range 

Recently DH and I were suddenly and horrifically bereaved: I sent 2 text messages to my near neighbours to say that we had a funeral to attend but neither has said anything about it ………… I shall for a while keep them at arm's length because I am hurt: and should they repeat rumours I will jump down hard 

As I got older I needed less people around me. 

[jedigirl]

CLKD, I do find people act oddly around grief. My Stepdad died 8 years ago after a gruelling 6 month illness in which my Mother cared for him at home then my Step brother was murdered 6 weeks later. I found the people that were comfortable to talk with me about it were not the ones I expected. I wear my feelings on my sleeve and find these people hard to fathom out.

[Taz2]

I have one really best friend and we both feel that if something happened to either of us then the other one would suffer too. We've been friends for fifty five years with never a cross word. We are very different and yet share this unbreakable bond. We rarely see each other nowadays as we live three hundred miles apart but we text every day and speak a couple of times a week. She knows everything about me and I guess I know everything about her too. We have been through broken relationships the death of a child,nursing our parents through their final illnesses. I have three other really good friends too - two of whom live close to me so we are of more practical use to each other. I really can't imagine being without these four people.

Taz x

[Dorothy]

I think some people are so paralysed by fear of saying the 'wrong thing' that they avoid those who are grieving.  Having said that, if you care enough for a person, you can't not reach out to them when they are grieving. 

Good friendships take time to develop.  But once they are there, they tend to last.  They are worth waiting for. 

[Ju Ju]

Sometimes you have strong friendships because you are in the same boat, but when you move on you lose contact.

 It's not always the friendships that you would expect to last that persist through the years. What I have learnt is that you do have to work at friendships sometimes. Be prepared to do more of the keeping in contact and not to read into things if you don't hear from them. When you do meet up the years fall away.

By joining a choir, I am developing new friendships that have proved to be supportive.

I am still in contact with my sisters best friend. They were very close and were in and out of each other's houses. She misses my sister years after her death. I envied that ability to let someone 'in' to that extent, or maybe I simply haven't met someone who I trusted and felt didn't judge me.

[jedigirl]

That's interesting Stellajane,
I have a large family too, three brothers with large families of their own. In years gone there was always loads of family events, holidays together etc. Now the kids are older, at uni etc gatherings happen less often. Also two of my brothers live further away now.
Maybe that's why I'm feeling I need a pal?

[babyjane]

In the past I have expected too much from 'friends' and they have let me down. I used to be too needy I think and was unable to be a friend.  In order to make friends you have to be able to be a friend. Now I feel ok and don't need a particular friend.

I once wrote a poem that started like this. It is a christian poem so I will not post any more of it out of respect, but it highlighted to me how much I expected too much of others and found them wanting.

Let people be people
They are who I've made
They can't meet your every need.
They're human with weaknesses
Selfishness, failings...........

If you're persistent
In trusting in man
You never will find your true self
For man is a mortal
With needs of his own
Unable in all ways to help.............

I wish you all a happy, friendly and peaceful New Year

Jane 

[Dulciana]

Many thanks for posting this, babyjane.  Oh, what a world it is when we must not post these things "out of respect".........makes me so sad and frustrated.

But friendships - being a twin, we've always been each other's best friend, even though she lives the other end of the country - so I've never really had a best friend outside the family.  Friends, yes, but not a "best" one.  Until my Hubby came along, that is................