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[GypsyRoseLee]

I am just sick to the back teeth of trying to second guess myself every day. I feel like a white mouse in a laboratory crawling through an endless maze. It drives me up the wall with frustration.

Take this Tuesday for example. Woke up feeling so low and jittery, verging on tears with the sheer misery of it all. That's when something snapped and I booked an.appointment with my GP that evening.

But..............just a couple of hours before I saw my GP my mood started to improve a bit. Saw GP. Got script for Mirtrazapine. Driving to collect script my mood improved a bit more. Took first tablet that night. Woke next morning feeling quite a bit better BUT my period had started in the night!

So, was my extreme low mood and anxiety on Tuesday due to my period (well, withdrawal bleed) being imminent? And have I felt better since yesterday morning because my bleed arrived OR because of starting to take the Mirtrazapine??? Right now, I feel so 'well' again that a little part of me thinks I don't need to take Mirtrazapine tonight FGS 

Aaaarrggghhhh. It drives me crazy.

[GypsyRoseLee]

I agree with you Briony. Unfortunately I have never had a test though to see what my actual oestrogen levels are. Just told my FSH levels were 'within normal range'. But surely my oestrogen must have got much lower hence the much, much lighter periods (more like heavy spotting) and not getting the swollen, achy boobs anymore?

I will be fascinated to see how you get on with 100mg patches with separate Utro.

My GP gave me a slim hope that maybe, possibly my consultant could okay a full hysterectomy for me!!! I love the idea of having the whole bloody shebang whipped out forever, then just anointing myself with oestrogen gel every day. No second guessing. No fluctuations. No mystery. Bliss.

[Briony]

GRL, I'm just the same. I swear I can have the mind and body of three different people within one day!

After my disastrous month on Marvelon, I followed doc's advice and took nothing for a week. By Monday, my stomach was 80% better but I got a banging headache (first week with no estrogen in a year). Realised I needed to take something. Suddenly panicked about patches (ie something new) as stomach still wasn't right, plus on my own this week. Decided to stick with what I know for time being, called doc and got a three month supply of Qlaira, ready to start the next day. Felt reassured about this, knowing I could try patches at a later date....

Except for some bizarre reason, the next day I felt more positive and so I decided to bite the bullet and put on a 100 mcg patch! Felt really great the next day - possibly as the desogestrel was fully out of my system - and had no side effects. Genuinely nothing.  Two days later (today) the head ache is back and I have been ridiculously tired more much of the day. Tried to ignore it, but this evening, I've now started to think 'aghhhh'. Have not taken the progesterone yet (wanted to let stomach calm first) so it must be the estrogen. But why tired? To make it worse, I keep reading posts from people who feel awful on high dose patches, so it is almost as if I am anticipating issues. Goodness knows why I didn't try half a patch first. Sometimes there's no logic with me!!

[Chi chi]

GRL do you not worry that you'll feel even worse with no hormones after a hysterectomy? I've had it offered to me by prof Studd and Annie Evans who both think it would be an option for me but it scares me so much  I've read how women feel worse afterwards, I've said this to both studd and Annie and they've both said they've never come across it with any of their patients?
Even the thought of being knocked out for op scares me to death   

[GypsyRoseLee]

Oh God, Briony we are so similar. I think I lost the plot over the weekend thanks to a build up of the hormones in Gederal. Stopped taking it and put 75mg patch on instead on the Sunday. By Sunday night felt tonnes better. Woke Monday morning feeling great. But by Monday night could feel myself tipping over into anxiety/dread again. So added another 25mg patch (so now wearing 100mg). Woke up Tuesday feeling truly dreadful again so booked GP appointment that afternoon. Panicked about wearing 100mg so removed 50mg of patches that lunchtime. Mood started to improve late afternoon, just before GP appointment.

After appointment felt better and calmer. But not sure if this was because I now had a script for Mirtrazapine (and had a lot if faith it would help me, and quickly). Or because I was back down to just 50mg patch? Or because my withdrawal bleed had now started?

I JUST DON'T KNOW???

[GypsyRoseLee]

No it doesn't worry me at all Chi Chi. I've had operations before and a GA doesn't bother me at all.

After a full hysterectomy, you would be prescribed estrogel to protect your heart and bones, so it's not like you are left high and dry with no hormonal support.

But by removing your own ovaries it makes it so much easier to have a stable mood by just applying oestrogen.

[Chi chi]

In theory 😕
If I could be 100% that my anxiety and low mood were down to my hormones I'd have one tomorrow no hesitation! But I can't and I don't wanna put myself through all that to be no different 
I've been told AD's will help - they haven't and that HRT will but it hasn't 

It's just so bloody confusing and so hard t know what to do

[GypsyRoseLee]

Chi Chi they can trial to see how you would feel post hysterectomy by giving you a drug which totally shuts down your ovaries for 6 months (not the BCP) so simulating a total hysterectomy.

They don't like to prescribe it for longer than 6 months because of potential bone loss.

But at least you would be able to experience what being post OP feels like before actually having it done.

[Chi chi]

Annie Evans did say that would be an option for me, I presume you can't add in any Oestrogel? I guess you would then need to add progesterone also?

[Briony]

Have you looked at the Hyster Sisters forum? It's really useful for an idea of how to manage hrt input post hysterectomy - but do remember, for every person on there having problems, there's probably hundreds feeling so well they don't need a forum's support, so it is a bit one sided.

I'm like you Chi Chi, I'd have too much of a niggling fear that 'it wasn't hormones after all!'. Totally illogical, but hey, that's my brain!

Please don't take this the wrong way, Chi Chi, but can you say that hrt 'doesn't work' for you, having only trialled some for a matter of weeks or less? I really mean this - not saying it to please you - it was several months before anything I've taken has helped. It's hard, but you need to distinguish between something that your system literally objects to (eg when you took Yaz and when I took Marvelon) and something just not making you noticeably better (I was like this with Q and 50 patches for several months, as well as when I took ADs).

I think our biggest problem is that since we have anxiety, this kicks in and we panic as soon as something doesn't work ( that's when I start to convince myself I actually have some crazy disease and not anything hormonal!!). It's like we are doubly penalised 

I really, really hope that your symptoms are at least tolerable til you see your consultant. Just a thought, have you thought of asking for something  you could take on an as-required basis, to see you through the early months? I think it's CLKD who recommends this but can't remember the names!

Xxx

[dazned]

I think half the trouble is when we've got to a place where we are so bad we quite naturally want to take/use something that will make us feel well overnight and it ain't going to happen that way unfortunately 
And the more things we try the more desperate you get then the shorter length of time we give it to work! Then it becomes a vicious cycle and our poor bodies don't know  whether it's on foot or horseback !
Hence I think taking time out from it all to get level again and start a fresh might be beneficial for some maybe.

[CLKD]

It won't happen though Dazned.  I was like that when depressed, I wanted a cure and I wanted it yesterday  ……. same with anxiety, if I thought a dose of heroin would cure me I'd take it.

When well I don't tend to analyse.  When I begin to get background anxiety etc. my mind begins to whittle away - until it becomes obsessive.  Overthinking?

I try to take half a day at a time and review how I am feeling shortly before lunch time.  Then when I'm OK after eating I move into the afternoon.  It's the way I have coped for years …….

[Briony]

I think half the trouble is when we've got to a place where we are so bad we quite naturally want to take/use something that will make us feel well overnight and it ain't going to happen that way unfortunately 
And the more things we try the more desperate you get then the shorter length of time we give it to work! Then it becomes a vicious cycle and our poor bodies don't know  whether it's on foot or horseback !
Hence I think taking time out from it all to get level again and start a fresh might be beneficial for some maybe.

That definitely rings true for me!   

[Chi chi]

I agree with everyone's comments, I can say hand on heart the only thing HRT has done for me is improve my libido and I think that's down to the Testim but even that now has gone.  I still have daily headaches, aches and pains especially in my joints, I'm still dashing to the toilet day and night. I don't suffer with hot flushes as such but before all this I was always cold now I always seem to be hot! I have to take a cold compress bag to bed to put my feet on otherwise they irritate me and keep me awake, not to mention the restless legs! I still feel dizzy and heavy headed and I can't concentrate or remember things.
The Oestrogel must have done something though as my bone density scan showed an improvement.
I've been on the Oestrogel and Testim and 2 different kinds of progesterone (on and off) for over a year now. 3 months after starting I had a good couple of months and I saw a glimpse of how good I could feel but after my first lot of Utrogestan it all went downhill and hasn't really ever been as good, I've had days where my mood has been so good with no anxiety that it's been hard to imagine that I ever felt so bad but unfortunately they never last  I suppose it shows that I CAN feel good I just wish I knew how to get there and stay there 

I also feel like I've put weight on since starting HRT 

[CLKD]

Have you put on weight or has the weight re-distributed? My apron dropped in April  but I haven't gained weight. 

Like you, on good days I can't remember what it feels not to be …… and when I feel ill, the same  [if that makes any sense at all  ]