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[mazzy]

Its funny isn't it Honeybun how we worry about things that we have no control over. A good friend of mine always says that the day we are born the book of life opens and the day we die the book reaches its last page and the book closes, also everything in that book that is meant to happen to us, good or bad will happen regardless and I suppose its true.

Like you I am always the practical one for discussing death.  My OH turns a deaf ear but I prefer to have my wishes carried out and have told my children what I would like, even down to the music that I want played.  We don't like to have these morbid thoughts but one day for sure it will happen, although I hope its a few years off yet

[CLKD]

We have Power of Attorney for each.  We made a Will which needs up-dating.  I wear an SOS bracelet with my donor wishes on as well as having them on the National Donor Register.  DH doesn't seem to consider these issues.  I'm the 1 tossing and turning in the night as that lurch hits my stomach as I drop off to sleep 

Good topic Honeybun.  12+ years ago my dog was pts.  Lots of problems around those last 48 hours [long story short].  Owning pets causes huge amounts of anxiety for me so I know that I won't be able to do so again.  Last week DH found a framed photo of a dog like I had ……. and bought it for me ….. I had to show I was pleased but these days I'll walk by such photos.

[CLKD]

He came into the room  …….

I know I am unlikely to cope without him (see thread from 2012 Tour de France  ) and worry about what will happen.  I often think that I will creep away somewhere unseen …….. so people can't chivvy me on!

I walk by photos (see above) because it reminds me that I can't have a pet and it pulls at my heart strings, my heart was broken in 2002  …….. so I try to ignore anything that brings back memories ……… but inside I HURT and am sobbing almost continually at this time of year ………

[Judith57]

My husband died from cancer when I was 49, we had been together for 21 years and he was my soulmate. He was diagnosed in 2002, had a stem cell transplant that they thought would give him 5 years remission, it returned in 2005, he had another stem cell transplant but that one didn't work and he died in 2006. I was so terrified of him dying and what would become of me that when that day did come I couldn't quite believe that I had survived - the thing that I was so terrified of happening had happened and I was still standing and, to top it all, looking through a coffin catalogue in an undertakers office.

There were about two hundred people at his funeral and I had hired a pub by the Thames for everyone to go to afterwards. I went to the loo to comb my hair and put some lipstick on and thought to myself 'I need to go and find (husbands name) now'. That's when it struck me, he isn't there and will never be there again!

This all happened before the dreaded meno symptoms started, I know I wouldn't be able to cope with all that in my present state, everything frightens me now 

[honeybun]

Oh Judith I'm so sorry.

You are a very strong lady, you are still standing and have faced and are still facing what keeps me awake at night.
I so hope I didn't upset you with this topic.

Honeybun
X

[Annie0710]

Bless you Judith, you've experienced our fears

Big hugs

Annie xx

[Judith57]

Hi HB  I was upset by the thread but then I thought if I tell it like it is it might help some people, life goes on and you have to find ways to cope.

Hug your husbands close to you tonight xxxxx

[CLKD]

I don't know how people do cope.  I look at Mum and however much she annoys me, she is up and at it! 88 and keeping going ….. all my immediate relatives have lived into their 80s …….. those on DH's side too. 

I had the 'must tell XXXX' experience - he was away at College and I was at a family 'do' (his side  ) - I had been enjoying it until I turned round and he wasn't there.  It's awful, for whatever reason, not having anyone to share with.  Mum says she is lonely in the evenings ……….

[Judith57]

Just been thinking about an old Woody Allen film - can't remember the name but he thinks he has a brain tumour. He says 'I wish it was yesterday, I was happy yesterday'. His friend says 'no you weren't you were miserable yesterday'. He replies 'no, I was happy but I didn't know I was'.

That struck a chord with me years ago and I think about it sometimes when I am worried with no reason 

[CLKD]

  ………

………   it's as I drop to sleep that these thoughts take over.  Memories.  Fears.  Issues that I did/said over the years and never apologised for or issues that I was unable to alter 

[Dana]

I get these intrusive thoughts too. For me they usually happen when I first wake up, but will also happen during the day if I allow myself to dwell on them. I don't know if it's menopause related because I'm on HRT and for everything else it's working very well, but lately I've just been having this overall feeling of anxiety and depression.

Maybe for me it's just that I'm going through an enormous change in my life. My mother recently passed away, which in itself isn't the problem, but I gave up work because of the inheritance money. I've always dreamed of the day when I could "retire", but now that it's here it's not what I thought it would be.

What do you do with all this spare time? When I think that there is a very good chance that I could live for another 40 years (I'm 56 and a lot of my family live into their 90s) I become depressed and overwhelmed thinking "what the f*** am I going to do with the next 40 years". I'm trying to find different things to take an interest in, or maybe different groups to join, but nothing really inspires me, and a lot of groups for "retired" people have a much older demographic than me. It's a complete shock that I'm reacting this way. I was always the sort of person that enjoyed my own company, but now I find that I'm starting to dislike it.

All her life my mother suffered from a depressive "woe is me" personality and I'm really worried I'm now starting to take after her and that scares me, because I've always been the total opposite of her, and a very positive person who was very contented with my life.

Normally in the past I was quite happy to come home to just my two cats, but now whenever I look around me everyone I know has someone else in their life - whether it be a partner or children or friends who invite them to things. I've got friends, but I always get frustrated that I always have to do the inviting. Very rarely do they invite me anywhere - which is just adding to my "woe is me" thing.

Sigh - grumble over....

[GeordieGirl]

What do you do with all this spare time? When I think that there is a very good chance that I could live for another 40 years (I'm 56 and a lot of my family live into their 90s) I become depressed and overwhelmed thinking "what the f*** am I going to do with the next 40 years". I'm trying to find different things to take an interest in, or maybe different groups to join, but nothing really inspires me, and a lot of groups for "retired" people have a much older demographic than me. It's a complete shock that I'm reacting this way. I was always the sort of person that enjoyed my own company, but now I find that I'm starting to dislike it.

Have you considered volunteering at all?

I was concerned when my older sister retired recently as she suffers depression and although fed up of work, the void could have easily consumed her.  Research has shown that 'having a purpose' and 'giving back' are strong keys to happiness - the feeling of satisfaction stops that empty feeling.  My sister's started volunteering at a local hospital - ironic as she's a medic herself and I thought she'd have wanted a break from this, but I guess it's different when you have the freedom to work when you want and doing essentially what you want. She's also helping out with a local food bank and is loving it.

Just a thought?

GG x

[Dana]

Yes I did a shift with the RSPCA last week in their adoption/customer service area, but I wasn't that happy dealing with the public, so next week I start in the "incoming cats" section where I will just be dealing with and cleaning up after the new cats coming in that haven't been assessed yet. Hopefully I will like that more. Fortunately the RSPCA here has a "euthanasia is the last resort" policy so I won't have to deal with that hopefully.

[GeordieGirl]

Yes I did a shift with the RSPCA last week in their adoption/customer service area, but I wasn't that happy dealing with the public, so next week I start in the "incoming cats" section where I will just be dealing with and cleaning up after the new cats coming in that haven't been assessed yet. Hopefully I will like that more. Fortunately the RSPCA here has a "euthanasia is the last resort" policy so I won't have to deal with that hopefully.

I've always found dealing with animals and nature far more fun that dealing with the public. Shame my work is built around the latter     The cat section sounds fun though I'm sure they'll give you a challenge - they do like to let you know they're in charge 

GG x

[Dana]

I've always been more of an animal person than a people person, and I've always been good with cats. Even most cats that I see on my morning walk often come up for a bit of a chat and a chin rub. So I'm sure I'll be able to make the stressed ones feel a bit more relaxed, just as long as their homeless plight doesn't get too stressful for me, or I don't feel so sorry for any of them that I'll want to adopt them. My current fur babies would not be happy with that outcome ..lol....

It will only be 3.5 hours a week at this stage (although if I really like it I may be able to volunteer for another shift), so I still need to find some other things to keep me occupied, but I'm sure it will work itself out given time. As a friend said to me yesterday - "You've worked for 40 years and you've been retired for 2 months. These things take time".