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[Spangles]

Hi Ladies

I have started to experience heightened anxiety and nausea again. There hasn't been any triggers as such so I'm putting it down to my hormones! However my son is coming back home in a couple of weeks after being away for four years at uni! To tell you the truth as much as I love him I'm used to just me and the OH. Am I being selfish and a horrible mum when I think I don't want him to be home full time? Has anyone else felt like this? I'm starting to dislike myself for feeling this way. Obviously he can live at home for as long as he needs to, I think we have just adjusted to a quiet life.

Thank you
Shellb
xXx

[Hurdity]

Hi shellb - difficult one this isn't it? Both my elder two sons came home for a while after university - but we still have a younger son so not used to being just us. Personally I really like having them all and miss them terribly ( youngest due to start last year at uni in September). However it can be daunting especially if your hormones are playing up.

Does he have a plan about what he wants to do? Might be an idea to have that discussion after he's recovered from his final year. With mine we gave them until the end of the academic year ( ie end August) to chill out and do their own thing and said after that they should pay something towards their keep since they were adults and had been away. First son could not get any sort of job for a long while as it was after the 2008 crash so he was on JSA. Nevertheless we asked him to contribute a quarter of this on principle so that he wouldn't just sit back and let us pay for everything. He eventually was at home for two years but the second year he had a professional job ( which he hated) but which gave good experience so he could move away and get onto a graduate scheme and now has a very good job (with that same company).

Second son had no idea what he wanted to do and also didn't get a job and we did the same - signed on and got JSA while he looked around. He didn't stay at home long - because fortunately in our case we live in rural SW and both having been to city universities - found it was completely dead here so there was nothing to do and no public transport. He went in the October to live with no 1 son but then moved back to his uni city where he is now.

I'm not sure how that helps you but it's the conversation that's important and also about who will do what re chores so that you don't suffer physically and have to worry about that. Mine did all their washing when they came back ( after all I was working) and I tried to get them to cook once a week - although that didn;t always work. They changed their beds and cleaned their rooms ( or not!) and also did odd things I asked eg the shopping (if they had a car).

Of course it depends also on your circumstances, your son's disposition and where you live!

Try to look upon it as positive time that you can help your son choose how he is going to take his next steps....

Hurdity x

[Ju Ju]

My Mum once said that we grow out of our children. In other words, we move on to build new lives. That's not selfish nor does it mean you love them any the less. But they have moved on as well. You are normal!

Sadly, many children have no choice, but to move back home in this day and age, rather than seek independence away from you. So you will need to lovingly talk, decide on boundaries, negotiate chores, finances etc together. I found that both my children came back with a new appreciation of home with none of the teenage angst. Eventually they were able to move on and we adapted accordingly. Don't be tempted to do too much for him!

[CLKD]

Mum gave us wings to fly 

Decide as parents how much parenting you are going to be prepared to do!  How much you expect in the way of him doing chores around house and garden, whether he will have his own key so that he can come and go and whether you expect a curfew.  How much you will take off him for 'keep', whether he has access to the washer etc..  It is your home and your Rules 

Then enjoy his company!  You got him thus far ………. he may come home full of ideas so you need to be prepared not to like some of them 

[Spangles]

Hi Hurdity
Thanks for your reply and advice. I love having him around but in small doses, this is because when he has come home for holidays he's treated the place like a hotel and not really contributed to the chores etc, but that is my fault I know. If he was to work and contribute it wouldn't be so bad, in fact it would be lovely but as of yet he has no job. He is actively looking but can easily get in a rut and this is what I me afraid of. I know there will be arguments too and that I'm not looking forward too because that makes everyone unhappy. I suppose I have to be understanding and patient whilst helping him the best I can. I will be having the chat with him so we will have to be patient and see.
Thanks again
Shellb
xXx

[CLKD]

That was then, you are dealing with now!!! coming back from a holiday is a totally different scenario.

Whose house is it?  Even if he is out of work he can contribute: doing chores if not financially.  What are his strengths, i.e. does he like cooking - if so hand over the kitchen to him several evenings a week or alternate weekends?  He can go out to do the shopping if given a list?  Lawns, car maintenance, hanging out washing ……. if he had his own place these things need doing 

What don't you like doing around the house, i.e. I hate ironing …….

[Spangles]

Thank you CLKD and JuJu
It will be so much different having him home after he has been away for so long, but as you all say a nice chat and some boundary setting and hopefully things will be fine.
Thank you
Shellb
xXx

[CLKD]

Things *will* be fine.  What does your husband think?

[Spangles]

Hi CLKD
He likes a quiet life!
Has always left the 'nitty gritty' to me, but he does say we all need to discuss things.
Im going to let him lead this one I think!
xXx

[CLKD]

     do you think he will though? Mine is non-confrontational and would walk in hot custard rather than face 'the talk' 

Make a list of what you expect to happen, put it in front of him and ask him to contribute? then consolidate.  Maybe send a note to DS before he comes home  along the lines of 'we will have a talk once you are home' 

[honeybun]

Oh, please don't start the talk until he has been at home for a few weeks. They are under a lot of pressure in fourth year and they need to wind down for a wee while before facing the real world.

He probably doesn't want to move back on a permenant basis anymore than you want him to, but he probably doesn't have much choice. None of them really want to come back under mum and dads roof after they have lived independently. But needs must.
Both have mine have moved out and moved back....my son more than once.

He did contribute to the household finances when he could but there were no rules and regulations such as a curfew....he is an adult  .....that simply doesn't work. My son came and went as he wanted. He did do a bit of cooking, I did his washing along with ours....why run the machine twice...he did some grass cutting too. He kept his own room tidy...I think, as I never went in.
But he was an adult and was treated as one....they do respond to that.

He is now out on his own but comes home often to stay for a night or two  and I love to see him.

Enjoy him, we only have them for such a short time before they are off for good....it doesn't have to be a trial and you will soon adapt to having three in the house instead of two. And you will miss him like crazy when he goes....I know I do.


Honeybun
X

[Spangles]

Thanks Honeybun
I do need to establish some boundaries with him and yes he is an adult and treated as such, however my sone has a tendancy to take the proverbial if he's not reminded every now and then. I do love him being here but he has a very different lifestyles to us and sometimes the two can clash and this is where the stress comes in!
I can't wait to see him though and help him along with the next chapter.
Thank you
Shellb
xXx

[honeybun]

Hopefully he will get a job soon.

It took my son a while but he eventually got there and is doing really well now.

Mind you he is 26 now  and he finally left home at 24.

Sorry.....bet that scared you 


Honeybun
X

[CLKD]

  ……. crikey, we were married and away at 22  ………..

[honeybun]

Changed times CLKD, the young ones struggle to get a job that pays enough to keep themselves.

I wouldn't want either of my two married at that age. I was 24 and I think I was probably too young.


Honeybun
X