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[Libralady]

Hi Dazned, what a great post, it struck a chord with me.
Years ago I worked for a pharmaceutical  company and sold HRT. It sounded the best thing ever and I said to myself when the time comes I will be ok. I am now 54, been on HRT just over 2 years and still looking. Been on various combinations and nothing worked the way it should, I keep thinking it must be me. I stopped taking HRT. Last week and waitng to see what happens. I want the old me back but she has gone and it makes me sad.
 

[LeeJane]

Isn't it exhausting having to keep up appearances in front of people who know us well? I find that an afternoon spent with my Mum or sister leaves me exhausted - the effort of being who I used to be so as not to alarm them with the "new me" is a real drain. Maybe I should just show them the ratbag I've become... maybe they are making the same effort infront of me...maybe we should all stop pretending and traipse around in our pyjamas with niffy armpits and bird's nest hair. I think the world would stop working if women showed everyone how they really feel!!

Oh amen to this.  LOL!

[GypsyRoseLee]

Yes Freda!

On my 'good' days I would say I was 85% just like the 'old me' so it's not too much of an effort to 'be me' if that makes sense?

But on my 'bad' days there's only 10% of the old me, so it is incredibly draining and almost physically painful to force myself through the motions of being the old me.

And sadly even on my 'good' days I am aware that a bad day might just be around the corner, so I can't relax or feel 100% happy/confident.

The periods of anxiety/low mood that I have experienced over these last 16 months have really cut deep and left some scars that won't fade for a very, very long time.

So no matter how effective my HRT is, I wonder if I will ever feel more than 90% like my old self?

[Greenfields]

I can relate to these comments but also wonder whether we have to let go of our old selves in order to find a new self we can be with? (if that makes sense?).

Nothing in my life makes sense to me at the moment but I'm realising that the more I cling to wanting things to be the way they were, the more I suffer. Someone or something (God, Buddha, whatever concept one is comfortable with) has taken my life and shredded it and then thrown it up in the air like confetti ... and I am now trying to make sense of all the tiny bits of me that lie scattered on the ground - at least, that's how it feels.

And I know that no matter how hard I try, I cannot rearrange the pieces of me to fit the way I once was even though I hate the uncertainty of not knowing what the hell is going to happen with my future - it's made me live a lot more in the moment because not to, only increases my suffering.

It's also given me even more compassion for people who experience and live with mental illness.

[dazned]

Think that was what I was trying to say in a roundabout way . We are not going to feel like we did at 20,30,40 its not realistic as Honeybun said,and no amount of hrt is going to change that,yes it can help with some things but not everything . I too think IF we can accept this a bit more we wont struggle so much,its hard I know. Im still coming to terms with things arent going to be the same but I have to manage with what health I have theres life to live going forward lets not waste it looking back !
Life is so short and precious look at poor Rio Ferdinands wife just tragic. 
Ive just spent 8 months of my life trying to find a new hrt regime that works/suits me I cant get that time back and still not there,where ever there is ! Made my mind up if things dont improve in 2 months I will stop hrt and see what happens . The worst symptom for me was anxiety,palps,etc.well ads have sorted that so we will see,watch this space as they say ! 

[Annie0710]

Nothing in my life makes sense to me at the moment but I'm realising that the more I cling to wanting things to be the way they were, the more I suffer. Someone or something (God, Buddha, whatever concept one is comfortable with) has taken my life and shredded it and then thrown it up in the air like confetti ... and I am now trying to make sense of all the tiny bits of me that lie scattered on the ground - at least, that's how it feels.

And I know that no matter how hard I try, I cannot rearrange the pieces of me to fit the way I once was even though I hate the uncertainty of not knowing what the hell is going to happen with my future - it's made me live a lot more in the moment because not to, only increases my suffering.

What an excellent way of putting it!

What I meant in my previous posts is I don't recognise myself anymore from the day this started, before that I could see the obvious slow changes, when they're slow you accept them because you change with them, this journey was, for me, literally overnight, there was no time to adapt and maybe at this point I've got no energy to know where to start adapting

I accept aging, in many ways I've embraced it
But only 3 years ago I was first up on the dance floor, loved get togethers, I knew my body and mind inside out, now I know nothing about my mind and body, only that I have multiple pains each and every day, and have crashing fatigue, I've noticed the only time I have any remote energy is evenings, not to mention the physical changes that I'm trying to adapt to

I accept there could be more going on than meno here with me, and I'm trying to work out what, but I'm hitting a brick wall getting anything sorted




Annie

[Hurdity]

Hi there all

I haven't read this thread in detail as I've been away but got the gist of it I think.

Just to echo what others have said - first you don't get the old you back - but if you take HRT and pick the right one, you certainly do not spend the rest of your life feeling c**p. Not necessary to completely let go of the old you but perhaps a bit different with lower energy. I can't comment on what it (I mean "I") would be like without HRT as I've been on it since late menopause and I'm now 62 - but once you leave behind the turmoil of the dramatic hormone fluctuations of peri-menopause and the early transition - you should feel heaps better, and be more stable - therefore can once again plan your life fairly predictably.

HRT has enabled me to do this - I am much more tired than I used to be and certainly don't stay out until 3 am nor am I first up on the dance floor - but I do go to gigs and just before reaching 60 rediscovered music festivals ( mainly put on hold while children growing up). OK libido has gone but hey - you can't have everything!

If HRT hasn't made you feel better it's either because you're on the wrong one or your own hormones are still raging so much it's hard to work out what's what and to get the dose right, or there is something else going on - eg in your life and your body, or you are one of the few who feel fine going through menopause without it (although you may not escape long term oestrogen deficiency).

Yes it does have side effects (and our menstrual cycle wasn't exactly a piece of cake either!) - but overall it should be worth it ie you should feel better and more energised so that the benefits outweigh the bad times.

Hurdity  x

[GypsyRoseLee]

I think I'm lucky in that I still seem to have the same amount of energy as I've ever had. And I've not had the physical aches and pains associated with menopause.

But the veryow moods and the anxieties I have endured have basically truly terrified me. And I think it's going to take a very long time to get over the fear I have felt. Please don't laugh, but I almost feel like I've had PTSD similar to poor soldiers who have been terrorised through battle experiences.

Feeling fear like that does scar you. I do a job that isn't for the faint hearted but I have never felt as frightened and anxious as my hormones have made me feel over this last year or so. And even worse because it was purely chemical and happening only inside my own head there wasn't a single thing I could do about it. Or escape from it.

And as Greenfields says, I now have endless sympathy for those suffering with genuine mental illness. It can be aiving horror.

[pepperminty]

Hi ladies ,

Hurdity's post made me feel better with the below comment

"If HRT hasn't made you feel better it's either because you're on the wrong one or your own hormones are still raging so much it's hard to work out what's what and to get the dose right, or there is something else going on ."

[/font]I have had the full gamut of Peri menopausal symptoms. Both physical and emotional. At the moment I ache so badly all over , especially my arms and hands. I am wondering whether I need a stronger HRT , but have no idea. The positive thing so far is that my mind appears to be sharper, as before it was like having dementia , I could not remember anything and had to write the simplest of things down .

I understand and empathise with living in fear. I think due to the raging hormones , no matter how rational you try to be , it makes it 10 x more difficult to cope with the things we dealt with so easily before. It's the general feeling of being under the weather that's hard. But I was feeling so awful on some days without the HRT , I couldn't do anything and had to lie down in bed. That's scary for me. I think that has improved.
No one in my pier group ever talked about menopause  or HRT , so I had no idea about any of this.

Pepperminty xx