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[Briony]

Hi again

I don't know for sure (re Wales) but I can ask at work. Perhaps it doesn't yet affect Wales as often other curricular issues (such as the English GCSE results fiasco) have not included Wales.The new COP came in this September and has meant schools have had to have a massive shake up (hence the reason lots of  SENCOs have recently resigned!).

You're absolutely right, as with autistic children, sometimes it's hard to distinguish between the behaviour resulting from their SEN and the behaviour which is simply the wonders of puberty. Another issue that occurs, especially in primaries, is when teachers with less experience under-estimate how bright a child is even with additional needs, and doesn't stretch them enough - so the child gets bored and plays up. I have seen children actually learn to 'use' their condition to their advantage (it always secretly makes me smile even though I would never show it!).

One of the hardest things for many parents is that lots of the medication will 'run out' around 3pm so you suffer the brunt of problems at home and the school sees a very different (easier) side of things. I think it's doubly hard when you have a girl with ADHD as society often perceives it to be a more male problem. Do ask the SENCO or LEA for support groups in your area.

BrightLight is absolutely right when she mentions regrouping and debriefing - it's a must!

x

PS These are the basic changes:

Changes from the SEN Code of Practice (2001)

vi. The main changes from the SEN Code of Practice (2001) reflect the changes
introduced by the Children and Families Act 2014. These are:• The Code of Practice (2014) covers the 0-25 age range and includes
guidance relating to disabled children and young people as well as those with
SEN

• There is a clearer focus on the participation of children and young people and
parents in decision-making at individual and strategic levels

• There is a stronger focus on high aspirations and on improving outcomes for
children and young people

• It includes guidance on the joint planning and commissioning of services to
ensure close co-operation between education, health and social care

• It includes guidance on publishing a Local Offer of support for children and
young people with SEN or disabilities

• There is new guidance for education and training settings on taking a
graduated approach to identifying and supporting pupils and students with
SEN (to replace School Action and School Action Plus)

• For children and young people with more complex needs a co-ordinated
assessment process and the new 0-25 Education, Health and Care plan (EHC
plan) replace statements and Learning Difficulty Assessments (LDAs)

• There is a greater focus on support that enables those with SEN to succeed in
their education and make a successful transition to adulthood

• Information is provided on relevant duties under the Equality Act 2010

• Information is provided on relevant provisions of the Mental Capacity Act 2005

• There is new guidance on supporting children and young people with SEN
who are in youth custody.

[BrightLight]

Fantastic, useful info Briony, I like your approach and attitude - shame you don't live in Wales

[honorsmum]

Thank you so much, Briony!
You have hit the nail on the head brilliantly - my husband actually went into school to talk to Honor's class teacher after I originally posted, and the teacher said that she would love to see the child we deal with at home...and she bets we'd love to see the quiet, focused child she enjoys in class.
The medication is certainly out of her system by mid afternoon. We have been offered the option of giving her a different top up medication for after school, but we'd rather try to find strategies and understanding for now.
Even my closest friends don't really understand her condition and how it affects us - of course, the funny, lively, flamboyant child they see briefly doesn't seem problematic...and let's no even talk about those that think it's a parenting problem, and not a real condition. One of the other school mums actually gave Honor a maths test practice book for her 8th birthday, because obviously she just needed to work harder! 

[Ju Ju]

Dealing with ADHD day in day out must be wearing and distressful for you all. The fact that she seems to cope better at school with her behaviour is a testimony to your parenting. When she gets home, she relaxes and it is safe to let it out.

One way to help you stay calmer is to separate your child's behaviour from the child in your mind. Your child came into this world as a beautiful, perfect human being as do we all. Nothing can change this. The essence of her/her soul or whatever you wish to call it is separate from her behaviour/ego, which is shaped by life experience. She is not defined by her behaviour.

 It is difficult for you to know what behaviours are caused by ADHD. Some behaviours will be caused by people's reaction to her behaviour, leading to frustration and low self esteem. Do frequently tell her that nothing she does will stop you loving her, but you will be cross if she hurts, damages etc. If she feels loved unconditionally, then many of the learned behaviours may stop, leaving those behaviours she cannot control.

When our children have to cope with various conditions, it is easy to feel guilty. I expect you have and have had feelings you wouldn't want to admit to. It's ok, you're human. Just let them pass through.

Does this make sense? I do wish you well. Oh and does she have access to animals, small and large? Does she respond positively? What about music, dance, drama etc?

[CLKD]

Contact the NAS? often Education Authorities don't tell parents/guardians what a child should be resourcing even after being Statemented because then it means the EA has to pay out!

How aware of her condition and associated difficulties are both the children?

[Briony]

Contact the NAS? often Education Authorities don't tell parents/guardians what a child should be resourcing even after being Statemented because then it means the EA has to pay out!

So true! In England, Statements  will now no longer exist. Instead there are new EHCs which seem much harder to be granted. The only plus side is that if your child is actually given one, both the child and the parent have a stronger voice than they would have done previously (theoretically at least - still to be seen in practice!). x 

[CLKD]

   ………

[honeybun]

Great and inspiring post Ju Ju. I wish my son had had you as his teacher. You just seem to be able to put it into the right words which is such a great thing to be able to do.

 


Honeybun
X

[Ju Ju]

Thank you, honeybun.

[honorsmum]

Ju Ju, I am really moved and humbled by what you posted - thank you.

I do try to separate her condition from her as a person - we talk about the ADHD as a boisterous puppy in her brain that sometimes needs to be kept on a shorter lead and asked to come to heel.
Sometimes, though, it is very difficulty not to get cross and frustrated and lose our temper with her, especially when nothing we say seems to get through or make a difference. 
I have more guilt at those times than I know how to deal with. I know the things I say and the way I react are chipping away at her self esteem, by not accepting her the way she is - but I don't know how to deal with her in an effective way at those times. And sometimes I think how much easier life might be if she was "normal". 

CLKD, she knows she has ADHD and that sometimes her behaviour needs checking. Her brother knows too, but it's difficult to expect him, at 9, to fully understand...especially when she's winding him up, helping herself to his belongings, shouting over him etc. He has learnt, in turn, that if he makes a huge fuss, we will come running and deal with it - it's a viscious cycle of one or other child kicking off.

It's extremely depressing to feel that you're getting it wrong every single day, and worrying what affect it will have on your children.

[honeybun]

As a parent all you can do is love them the best way you can....you obviously do that.

Children bring challenges, some come early in the child's life and some much later.
I don't think there are many mothers on this forum who have not struggled at some point....I know I have.

Ok so you shout...we all did that.....keep on doing what you do....the time passes so quickly.
I look at my two...one almost 26 and one 20 and wonder where the time has gone.

You take care of you too.


Honeybun
X

[thorntrees]

Honorsmum, I really feel for you and the problems you are having with your daughter. I don't know anything about ADHD but we had awful problems with our youngest daughter who refused to g to school when she had to make the transition from primary to secondary school. We had to run the gauntlet of social services and because we were a military family with many house moves it was suggested her problems were because of our lifestyle- oh the guilt we felt as parents! Our eldest daughter suffered as she felt her sister got all the attention-it was a nightmare. I tell you this because with help from a sympathetic school and the support of friends she got there in the end, went to university and has a good job, she still bears the scars of that difficult time but we accept her for the person she is and are very proud of her.With your support your daughter too will come through her problems , don't beat yourself up too much about your ability to cope, you are doing your best and you love her which is so important to her well being. Hope you don't mind me contributing to your post, I just felt an affinity with you struggling with your situation and hope you get all the support you need

Thorntrees.

[BrightLight]

Hi Honorsmum - everything you say is so understandable.  I found this via my friend's website, she supports parents in my local area.  Maybe it is useful or just handy to have around - there is a contact in Wales

http://www.cerebra.org.uk/English/gethelp/stresshelpline/Pages/default.aspx

[Dorothy]

Hi Honorsmum,

It can be so difficult when you have other children, helping them to understand, but I have seen many families where one sibling is on the ASD spectrum, and the other siblings develop into extra-mature, well-rounded and caring young people, because they have had to learn to consider someone else's needs from a very early age.  It's tough for your son at the moment, but in a couple of years he will be able to understand much more about his sister's needs and issues.

One of the difficulties of having a child at the milder end of the spectrum is that often people don't understand and think your child is just being naughty.  But on the bright side, she is likely to be able to learn to deal with her issues as she grows up and to live a much more fulfilled and independent life than a child with more severe issues. I've known a few kids who were nightmares in their early teens, but who, by their early 20s had learned to cope amazingly well so that most people didn't even realise they had ever had an issue. 

[CLKD]

If she is aware of her condition would a 'buzz' word help the family - something humorous for when she's OTT?

However, her brother's possessions are his.  She needs to learn sooner rather than later that there will be consequences.  He needs to know that if she destroys, takes or damages etc. her brother's possessions that there will be consequences.  I HATED it when my sister did something to an item which was mine and I was the 1 who got told 'you are the oldest, you should forgive her/know better/understand why' ……..  and she would be told not to do it again - but she did and always got away with it.


How much time are you able to spend with your son?  He's at an important age when he needs support too.  I believe that there are holiday groups for people with difficulties which might be worth exploring?

You are doing a GREAT job.  You don't have the answers to every little issue, but it's in your face all the while.  Getting support and having someone tell you that it's OK thus far  - and that boisterous puppy idea is good ……. also, does your daughter accept that once she gets home from School that she lets off 'steam' inappropriately? and maybe she has ideas that would dis-charge some of that energy?