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[Rowan]

Much like the Reiki Philosophy (The word Reiki is made of two Japanese words - Rei which means "God's Wisdom or the Higher Power" and Ki which is "life force energy)

I am Reiki 2 student and have found it very helpful especially for self healing, its helped me through some stressful times.

I think Complementary Therapies have much to offer during a woman's transition.

I trained to be a Holistic Therapist when I was 54, it took 2 years, (we learned many Therapies including Nutrition)and certainly being in that environment calmed and gave me something to focus on, treating clients was as therapeutic to me as it was to them and gave me something to get up in the morning for.

It was hard work including course work for our Portfolio and I had to learn to study all over again, but I loved every minute of it.

[honorsmum]

I'd typed a long reply, but it didn't post.

Anyway, in a nutshell -
I have no plans to buy a bed jacket and subscribe to The Lady magazine just yet, don't worry, DG! 
My children, and giving them a happy, secure home life are my priority. However, I need to find something to stimulate me, which may well involve re-training or studying. I'm not sure what yet, but I'll get there.

My life has changed hugely since having children and giving up my performing career. It has naturally slowed down and priorities have changed. I'm just not driven by the same things any more. Maybe it's a midlife thing?

[Lindilou]

It's now time for yourself honorsmum and that's good, really good. 

[Hurdity]

When you say you don't feel any great desire to achieve any more, would you say you feel more content instead? Does the loss of ambition come with a sense of peace?
I've always been a bit driven, I guess, and now find myself with nothing to stretch me, since becoming a stay at home mum. I want to do "something" with my life now...just have no idea what that something is! I think it would be nice to feel contentment, instead of constant yearning for new, different, interesting, if that makes sense.

When the desolate feelings come over me, one of the biggest thoughts in my head is, "I need a job, a purpose, a distraction - something to stop me dwelling on the feeling of emptiness"...which is true, but seems extra important when I feel awful.
Thankfully, I've felt completely different today - no gloom and much more energy - so it's clearly hormonal. 

Hi again honorsmum

Yes definitely more at peace - because I just don't experience extreme emotions any more, although I know that life/family events could change that in an instant.

The lack of ambition to achieve is actually more recent - and probably as much to with my age as menopause. When I was peri-menopausal in my early 50's like you I still had fairly young children  and a husband who was nearing retirement so my focus was both nurturing them and ensuring we were financially secure for the next 10 years - so I had various career changes.

I agree that even with the nurturing role you need something else and I have always had something on the go to earn a bit extra money or staisfy that part of me - even though almost non of it was related to my original studies and career. I sacrificed my career ambitions ( well I didn't really have any!) for my children - but this was a deliberate choice which I never regret.

It might take a while to find it honorsmum but it is important to think about this next stage while you still have your children at home so that you can feel fulfilled and contented after they have left home.

BrightLight - I don't think of menopause as a life-saver - but I do agree that we need to find different ways to focus our energy as above and especially once the nurturung years are over (those who had them and those who didn't too).

I may have slowed down to come extent (work-wise) but doing the opposite eg re exercise (classes and walkintg) and taking the opportunity to look after my body so that it doesn't slow down.

Honorsmum - is it you who is the musician - lots of scope for reward there?

Hope you managed to work out something that gives you that spark - even if it is not what it used to be! 


Hurdity x

[honorsmum]

Thanks Lindilou, and Hurdity.

My own mum didn't work after having us 4 children, and she didn't have any hobbies or much of a social life either. I want my children to see me as a person in my own right - not just their carer.

I wonder if this point in my life is slightly at odds with friends of the same age, insofar as my parents were.older when they had me, and in turn I had my children a bit later too - so whereas many of my friend's parents are still in their 60's and very active and hands on with their grandchildren, my mum is 80 and my dad died 6 years ago. I feel a bit like I've been fast-forwarded into worrying about my mum while still bringing up young children. My husband is older than me (50) and both his parents are dead - maybe that's why I feel older in my head and thinking than I actually am? Losing a parent does rather bring your sense of mortality into sharp relief, I think, and it's hard not to worry about my mum - especially when she is so far away. I have spoken to her this morning, and she sounded very lonely and down - very upsetting.

[GypsyRoseLee]

I agree with others who have said that nowadays they are quite content to lead a slower pace of life without all the striving. But even back in my 20s, I was happiest going for a long drive in the country with my husband (then my boyfriend still) and finding a pretty pub and having a quiet lunch.

I still did all the garish and lively 20 something stuff, and enjoyed a drink and owned far too many clothes. But deep down the real 'me' liked a big cosy jumper and a good book to lose myself in. I've always been able to draw upon a deep well of contentment inside me, a sense of tranquillity and that I was in the right place in my world. And that's the cruellest aspect of my peri menopausal symptoms because when I am having a 'bad' run of days I can't find that well of contentment, it is completely closed off to me. Instead I feel jittery and anxious, and that I am not 'me' anymore. It's quite brutal and frightening.

These last 12 months I seem to have lost my old feistiness too, and I can't seem to get angry about much at all.

[BrightLight]

The metaphor of 'life saver' wasn't meant to mean a literal ending of zest or passion and definately not bed socks and hanging up all motivation or will  

I think it is a midlife thing and that point in life where you naturally shift priorities is different for everyone and menopause can be managed in a way that suits that I guess.  Each of us are describing some sort of 'deficit', the lack of sleep effecting work, or the lack of spark effecting our relationships or in my case it is coinciding with a change in direction across the board! So to me it definately is a life changer, or perhaps a signpost to get ourselves aligned and well so that we are fit and healthy in all ways moving forward.

I know deep down I am having a tough time because I am exhausted on many levels - I hope that won't last forever, but things have to change in order for me to get back to balance and see what comes of that.  Once our bodies are running without hormone production from our ovaries it comes from other places and if the rest of the body isn't in optimal then we need to address that in order to get over the blip OR we can replace the hormones, that's just how I see it.

Either way, one of these days we won't be able to rely on these hormones that have helped us over the years and need to find other things - it's subtle I think and an opportunity that men don't have

As someone with 'early' menopause I am feeling too young and really quite upset about that, but in the bigger picture of things it might just be that midlife change for me is 45 and not 50.  Similar to honorsmum, I have no parents and my partner turned 50 this week.  In the background, I have been feeling out of line with my peers for a few years since I lost my mother and at odds with the life stage they are at.  I needed to come to terms with that and somehow all these body changes are making it clear to me - it's hard, but the adjustment was needed anyway, if that makes sense.

Some of the most inspirational women in my life have always been older than me and there is no way I thought they had lost their 'edge' or there vibrancy.

GypseyRoseLee - I feel a bit tearful reading your words as I recognise something in what you say.  The nighttime anxiety I am getting has robbed me of that contented reserve as well and in the last few days I have felt a feistiness return because I got angry about it - maybe you can 'fight' to get that contenment back as well, because that is my motivation at the moment.  Last week I was far too defeated - perhaps all this comes in waves as well - we will get there in the end.

[Rowan]

You will get back your get up and go BrightLight,  all women go through this this soul searching, emotionally and physically as hormone levels change, even if you 

decide not to take HRT it will get better, but even then you will have times when you will flag I know I have.

As you say you are going through it sooner then women who have their mid life change later and its hard, but you have so much to self knowledge to get you through this.

I have never got back completely my laid back calm and anxiety free state of mind though, well not since I had my hysterectomy and have just had to except this is me now, but I will settle for what I am now   

You will be OK.

http://writehealth.co.uk/living-with-zest-creativity-and-menopause/
 

 

[GypsyRoseLee]

Sorry I made you feel tearful BrightLight!

I have always been quite a feisty person, very quick with the verbal come backs and known to be a little audacious at times. And my temper could be filthy especially when my PMS was present.

But, all that spark seems to have faded away. Trying to do the quick verbal come backs feels like a massive strain which leaves me feeling drained afterwards. And I no longer have the self confidence to be audacious. Occasionally I feel a definite flicker of the old me but this is only ever on my 'good' days.

Like I say to my lovely husband on my 'bad' days 'I feel I have lost my 'spark' (my feistiness) and my 'shine' (that sense of contented wellbeing).

But just like you say it comes 'in waves.'

[Dulciana]

Please someone tell me I'm not alone.  My low feelings are often connected with saying/doing things that I imagine have caused offence or shock.  I then spend the next "x" amount of time on edge until I hear otherwise, which is often.   I'm feeling this way today because I spent yesterday feeling spaced out and antisocial, and was worried in case I had acted oddly then.     

[Hurdity]

I worry like this sometimes Dulciana but not usuallynow after face to face situations where I am much happier and find it more difficult to be misunderstood. I have frequently felt it with e-mails, messages etc or any form of virtual communication and worry about the nuances and whether what I've said could be misinterpreted - that includes posts on here which I re-read and usually edit carefully before I post for that very reason!!!

Were you in a social situation where you were expected to be jolly and friendly, and with people you are normally out-going with?  I think if you know them well, might it be possilbe to say - I'm not feeling myuself today so sorry if I'm not quite with it - or something like that?  Are you able to mention the dreaded "M" word? Not easy with men or with younger women - in fact I never did! I'm sure even if you felt that you were anti-social, you may well not have come across in the same way. Is there someone in the group or situation you were in whose possilbe reaction concerns you? Could you contact that person and explain how you were feeling?

This is the worst thing about menopause - with me I just blubbed at the slightest thing that upset me and had to disappear - quite tricky in work situations!

I hope your mood lifts and tomorrow is another day - hopefully after a good night's sleep 

Hurdity x

[Dulciana]

Thanks Hurdity.  I was in a social situation where I was expected to be all happy and out-going but where I didn't know many of the people there.   As I sat on the bus going, I just wished I could turn back but I'd spent money on the ticket for lunch, and I thought it would be "good for me" to be there.  There was somebody whose possible reaction concerns me and I have tried to make light of it via email, but now I'm on edge hoping they will respond and laugh it off.  This is not somebody I could mention the dreaded "M" word to, though.   I just seem to go from one tightrope to another.   I find hormones make me very uncomfortable with myself, make me feel I don't know how to be with people, and make me very inward-looking.   You have no idea how reassuring it is, though, to know I'm not the only one.  Thanks so much.

[honorsmum]

GypsyRoseLee, I really believe these feelings are temporary, and we'll rise like phoenix from the ashes.    Otherwise, no marriage would survive, children would grow up living with their dad's and you'd never see women of 50+ out with their friends, smiling and laughing! 
Seriously, it's like puberty in reverse, and I remember how confusing THAT was!

Sending you hope and strength to be able to weather the storm.xxx

[bev567901]

Honoursmum I have had the exact same feelings. The lowness in the morning & the feelings of being completely overwhelmed to the point of not knowing what to do next. Now I am on HRT & an AD they have gone. I am not sure how I would feel if they came back but I would like to think that now that I know they are hormonal I wouldn't react so badly to them & ride it out until they went or adjusted my HRT if necessary. I do accept & don't fight the feelings now which also helps. These thoughts & feelings that come out of no where are quite shocking I wish I had known of this site when it all first started. Tomorrow is another day used to be my mantra. I have a 9 year old (&
a 10 yr old too) menopause plus younger kids isn't the best recipe when you are struggling is it but I can't think what on earth I would be doing with life without them. Bee xx

[CLKD]

Because we perceive that we may have caused offence it is in our heads - however, logically those people have moved on!

For anyone looking to spread their wings - music therapy can be hugely beneficial in all walks of Life: brain injury, children with health issues, Alzheimers sufferers and their carers ……..