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[GypsyRoseLee]

Hi Honor

The more I read your posts, the more I identify with you. Our psychological symptoms just sound so similar.

I agree it's hard to accurately describe what the 'bad' days feel like. All I know is that I feel utterly wretched and hopeless inside. I am incapable of feeling any pleasure in ANYTHING. I feel jittery and lacking any sense of well-being or contentment. My smile is completely fake and I have to force interest in those around me, even my own children and husband. Trying to maintain 'normal' social interactions feels almost mentally painful, like it leaves me feeling emotionally bruised inside. Even faking the slightest bit of levity leaves me feeling drained.

The thought of just quietly relaxing with a book, or taking an afternoon nap feels completely alien and actually fills me with dread because I feel so agitated inside. The very closest analogy I can use is this. Back in my 20s I had a nasty breast cancer scare. I found a lump, my GP and consultant were suspicious. Naturally I was terrified and worried sick and had to wait 10 days for the results of the biopsy. The mental Hell I went through during those 10 days is EXACTLY how I feel on my 'bad' days now.

And if that wasn't horrible enough I suddenly develop ridiculous anxieties or 'dreads' as I call them i.e. 'dreading' it getting dark outside (not great when it's January & February) and 'dreading' being on my own. So I end up hopelessly trailing my husband and children around the house and feeling panicky at going to bed alone.

And then it all goes. And for the next week or two I feel perfectly normal, just like my usual self and I can barely remember how wretched I felt just 24 hours earlier.

At the start of this week I was 'bad' and had been 'bad' for 3 days (hormones dramatically dipping after ovulation). I had to call my Mum to come over and keep me company because I was 'dreading' being alone. I couldn't relax and kept getting an awful sinking sensation inside. My husband came home and announced we might be flying to the Caribbean in 6 weeks and it just filled me with panic and further dread. I went and cried in our bedroom and had to take 10mg of diazepam.

However, yesterday I woke up feeling 'normal' again. Relaxed and contented with my life and excited at the thought of the Caribbean trip. Today I enjoyed a peaceful snooze on the sofa when my husband took our DCs out for the afternoon. I feel like 'me' before all this horrible hormonal trouble started.

Sorry for the essay but it's really helped to write it down.

I am keeping everything crossed that your consultant can help you Honor 

[GypsyRoseLee]

Thank you Millykin

Reading your recent posts has really given me hope. On my 'bad' days I would sell my soul for it to just stop and go away. It's those horrible feelings of dread & doom which cripple me. I would far prefer to have a hot flush, I really would.

Obviously the HRT has really worked for you, but can I ask, do you still get any mood dips at all linked to your cycle? And, I can't remember if you still have periods or not, sorry.

[Millykin]

My periods were every 6 months pre HRT. I started Femoston 1/10 in April first 3 months had a bleed no dips, next 2 months no bleed, no dips, a bleed , no dips, then I had urine infection between Xmas and new year so few courses of ABs. I think they upset HRT as I had a bleed and all the horrendous feeling came back for few days, I thought I was back to square one. It all settled again. I had a review last week and because I was not really bleeding we decided to up dose. So I'll see what happens if I take a bleed see how it goes. X

[GypsyRoseLee]

That sounds promising Millykin. Unlike you though I still have a bleed every month albeit usually very light nowadays.

But I very much like the sound of 'no dips'. That's all I'm aiming for really. Just the security of knowing that there's a very good chance that I can look forward to something in 3 days, or 3 weeks time without the fear I might be 'dipping' on that day.

I think when you have experienced really bad and sudden 'dips' in mood it can really knock your self confidence, so that even on 'good' days you are anxious of the when the next 'dip' will come. How you described feeling at your daughter's birthday meal last year really resonated with me. At my daughter's birthday meal almost nearly a year ago I felt dreadful too. Just managed a few mouthfuls of food and a sip of water and hid in the loos for 10 minutes holding my head in my hands because I felt so wretched.

I would take 100 hot flushes, anytime, over feeling so desolate and despairing on what should have been a happy occasion.