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[CLKD]

I withdrew from family life due to my parents constant rowing.  Learned to be kind of independent although Mum did everything for me - because she is a control freak.  Dad was too.  My sister arrived when I was nearly 6.

The family was fairly structured in that each week followed a pattern.  Anything out of kilter sent me into panic.     .   So I learned its was easier to be structured myself.  I had Valium for 3 days prior to our wedding then DH flushed them down the loo  .

If we went on holiday I packed weeks ahead - in case I had panic nearer the time and couldn't do it.  I have since realised that we don't need as much as I usually pack, that we can buy stuff if necessary and that I can pack a few hours before if necessary.  1 thing let go.

I let several relatives 'go' because they cause/d me stress.  Also people who I thought of as friends who didn't understand my anxiety ….. the C.mas list got shorter and shorter and …… it hurt at the time but I let them 'go'.

I try to let go of everything my 88 year old Mother throws at me, currently it's anger  …….. I have to accept that she didn't allow my Dad to have a relationship with me and that I can't alter that.

As for housework - what's a duster?  If anyone visits and they don't like the cobwebs, well 'there's the brush' 

[Joyce]

Think it must have been a generation thing CLKD. Food in our house was pretty much the same week in week out. Everything followed an almost identical pattern.  My mum had to be in control. Meals were at set times & don't dare be late or you got an ear bashing. I tended to live my life by those rules too. It would probably be classed as OCD these days. I have long since disposed of many of my OCD tendancies, as realised there is more to life than constantly keeping to routines, keeping house tidy etc.

[CLKD]

As a meander - why are dusters yellow?

[Dyan]

Don't know CLKD

It's sounds very much like our house back then.
I have diagnosed OCD!

[CLKD]

I have autism tendencies and OCD habits ……… and when I step out of my comfort zone I suffer 

If I make lists I can cope kind-of.  Especially at this time of year - list of cards, ticked; presents: bought, wrapped, labelled, ticked ……..

[babyjane]

I make lists, loads of them, I can't do spontaneous it makes me panic. Perhaps I could try......

I think I am on a learning curve, something/someone (don't want to get into beliefs here) is gently trying to show me how to change habits of a lifetime that have done and still do me no good.

I have no idea why dusters are yellow but I am sure my husband would breathe a sigh of relief if I let the dusting go occasionally 

Learned behaviours should be changeable shouldn't they?

[oldsheep]

just do whatever it takes to get through it all CLKD. If it's lists or familiar routines, that's ok.

My background was very formal. Nothing like today's kids. We had sit down meals at fixed times and meat all the time. I don't eat red meat at all and haven't for 30 years.
I do think it's very important to be true to who you are, and also to find something to do every day that takes you out of yourself (that you enjoy).

Dusters were yellow - nowadays they've reinvented themselves as J cloths or microfibre cloths. I just bought a bright purple, telescopic monstrosity to do the high ceilings in my flat   

[Dyan]

I'm a list person too.
Tried not making a list but worry that I'll forget to do something

[CLKD]

I LOVE my lists.  Sense of achievement at the end of the day 

Fortunately we don't have family visitors so habits learned can't be re-inforced.  However, when I step into Mum's back door, all those habits are back  and I have to remember to be calm, calm, calm …...

[honeybun]

My childhood sounds similar too although very happy until I was an older teenager.At that point my mother attempted to rule my life. I was great at subterfuge and lying. Hate both now.

Lists are for big stuff. The day to day stuff happens when it happens. Since moving to a much smaller house means less housework. I do more in the winter but in the summer I like to be outside and do the bare minimum.
The thing I find hardest to deal with is my mother's demands on me. I am getting better at dealing with it but some of the things she has said will stay with me forever.

Life is never simple or straight forward it's how you deal with it that counts.
There is simply no point in stressing about the past because you cannot alter that in anyway. It's a waste of time and energy. Today we can influence. So live in the now. I try not to look to far ahead. A week is more than enough.


Honeyb
x

[Dyan]

You're right HB

Sometimes I have to take it day by day depending on how I'm feeling.
When I'm ok I look forward to the future........whatever it may bring

[babyjane]

I do think it's very important to be true to who you are,

but what can you do if you have no idea who you really are? I have always been a chameleon, a people pleaser, changing who I am to fit what I think people want me to be and I want to stop it but don't have a clue who I really am.

some of the things she has said will stay with me forever.

the spoken word can haunt you for life. things said to me, and about me, are still there. But I am seeing it is how I choose to deal with them that matters now.  It is good to explore this but must remember this is not the private section.

[Dancinggirl]

I think this thread is great. I really think we need to learn to 'Let Go' - particularly as we get older. Recognising what is really important, not allowing people with a negative force to impact our lives - it is hard to do but vital. 
My mother has been a bit of a nightmare - engages in very passive aggressive behaviour and vying one child off against the other (I have 3 siblings). Dealing with her has been one of my biggest stresses. I now realise many of her strategies come from having had a premature menopause which certainly made her very volatile when I was young. On a couple of occasions she has pushed me so far that I have had to stop speaking to her for a time. The last time I had to do this she had reduced me to a sobbing wreck begging her to stop getting at me. I didn't speak to her for over 3 weeks and since then she has been much nicer to me.  I hate treating her like this but I had to do this for my own sanity.  I had counselling and CBT for a year to learn how to cope with her but she can still find that chink in my armour at times.
My pet hate is being pinned down to a timetable as I then feel trapped - I hate making specific plans - I really like to be spontaneous generally. My husband will ask me what I am doing tomorrow and my usual answer is "I'll see".  Work has to be prioritised and if my sister needs to be taken to the hospital that has to be planned but don't ask me to make a specific date or time for a dinner party - phone me on the day and see if we can come. To relieve my stress I like the house to be in relatively good order these days - this allows for spontaneity.
I have found 'living in the moment' with the 'Mindfull Meditation' techniques is really good.
DG x

[babyjane]

I find myself between a rock and a hard place.  My parents are no longer alive but the legacy of a difficult childhood and growing up shaped how I am. As a result my sons learned early on how to push my buttons and which ones to press. Now they are grown up they are no longer unkind but can manipulate me to get what they want and this is what I am seeking to try to change.

I can't deal with rejection at all and want to be loved for who I am not what I can do for people but I am too scared to say 'no' in case I am rejected.

I find it very hard to be assertive I usually come across as agressive or I give in and moan about it 

I really need to try but am quite scared to rock any boats 

[toffeecushion]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L0MK7qz13bU

I think the words in this songs can have a totally different meaning to what they are supposed to have.  I can really realte to them in  my own way - let it go