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[littleminnie]

How sad SL, I'm really sorry. 

[CLKD]

Silverlady - that is sad.  How about copying and pasting into a new thread?

I cannot understand how married women do NOT PUT their husbands/partners FIRST    I married my husband, NOT his family.  He married me, NOT mine.  We come 1st with each other.  Late M in L told me before I married him that she always called her husband by his Christian name, because has her husband - he was never "Dad" but always ..... ........ the boys of course called them Mum and Dad.  She sat down at 9.00 p.m. after chores and caring each day and if they wanted anything they had to get it themselves.  Because she wanted time with her husband after working all day.  "He will be here once the boys have left and I don't want us to be strangers to each other".

She didn't want to go into a 'home' situation but push came to shove and she had no choice.  Same when my Dad grew older, infirm and Mum was unable to lift. 

We were going Down Under when we 1st married, but DH got a good job in the UK so it wasn't a necessary step.  Had we gone, had we stayed, then 'they' would have to get on with 'it'.  Would you chase around the UK to please others if it put your marriage at risk? but as re my post of earlier this week, it is not something we are prepared to do.  They don't chase around for us!!!!

Your husband GH is probably inwardly fuming and suddenly it has erupted.  Parents know when to push buttons and he can probably, like my DH, can see an issue waiting to happen  .  Why not go out to a Pub away from the area, have a good listen to what he has to say.  After all, he may drop dead tomorrow and how would you feel then?

"Let no man put asunder" ...........

modified to make my post clearer ……..

[Rowan]

I will do.

[honeybun]

You see things in very black and white terms CLKD and in my experience there are many shades of grey.

It's just not possible for some of us to step away and not concern ourselves with family members.
No one knows better than me what a thankless task it can be but I know it's the right thing to do and most people feel the same way. The difficult thing is finding a balance where everyone is reasonably happy and to be able to find time for yourself and your husband.
Women in general put children first and the father does the same.

I could not live with myself if I totally turned my back on my mother. I have to help and that's it.

Not many can refuse a request for help from a family member and not have their conscience bother them.

Women are great at multi tasking and when we have to look after husbands and children and elderly parents we generally find a way to keep all the balls in the air.

Honeyb
x

[CLKD]

At a cost  ............ if you were happy with the situation  .    I would rarely do anything to upset my husband, the 1 person who has seen me through thick and thin when family members were saying otherwise.    ...........  as it is, anything nasty that I have said to him or done/not haunts me to this day and I can't alter those issues, I can however put him 1st .......... (let no man put asunder)!

[honeybun]

When my mother passes away I will look back on these years with a clear conscience that I always did my best.

My hubby will support me in the choices that I make.

We have come through a lot together, loosing a child for one. We don't put each other first at all times because there are other people who need us. But we make time for each other.
Hubby is retired so there are plenty hours in the day to be with each other.

What happens CLKD when just one of you are left because it comes to us all. Would you not need support from a family member.

Honeyb
x

[Ju Ju]

Oh SL, I am so so sorry. To lose a child at any age is devastating at any age and I don't want to imagine life without my beautiful GS. My heart goes out to you, and your family. I'm glad your OH is better; IBS as a reaction to grief? It can hit when you need to be strong.   

GH, this forum does help. You get support and just putting it down in words can be therapeutic in itself.

Years back, my hubbie found my mum very difficult to deal with when I got so upset about how she treated me and I felt very resentful towards her. He would absent himself and still can only cope with small doses.It's easier for those around to see the way more clearly than you do yourself. I actually felt hate as well as love and felt I was a terrible person to not want her in my life. She had a stroke 20 years ago and her behaviour towards me worsened and an incident happened that made me see things more clearly. I retreated for I few months. If I wanted her in my life, I had to be clear what I wanted, what I was prepared to do and what I could cope with. I didn't ever discuss this with her, but I conducted myself differently and I have been treated with more respect and with love, particularly since the death of my sister. There are no expectations of me doing more than I can manage, which sometimes is just a phone call. My hubbie now treats her kindly and with humour, which I think she likes, but leaves her a bit bewildered at times!

Can I suggest you think about what you want, maybe sound your husband out for what he thinks is reasonable. You can still help your mum, but you can set boundaries. I know I didn't discuss anything with my mum, but I think it would help to be firm in your case. I have found that bullies (that's what your mum is) back down when you are firm. Tell her you want to support her, but you are no longer prepared to be treated with such disrespect, that your own health is suffering as is your marriage. Tell her what you are prepared to do. Do not negotiate and remember you are only a victim if you sign up to be one. Love Ju Juxx

[Taz2]

CLKD "Would you chase around the UK to please others if it put your marriage at risk?  I know Taz did so .......... but as re my post of earlier this week, it is not something we are prepared to do.  They don't chase around for us!!!!"

Can you clarify this statement about  me please?

Taz

[Dancinggirl]

Juju  - Wise words from you.  I have had to back off from my mother at certain times when she was being particularly unreasonable and she is now a lot more respectful.  It doesn't stop her goading and sniping in a spiteful way at times but I am far more detached these days.  I just feel terribly sad that I feel this way about my mother.   DG x

[honeybun]

Me too DG.

I would like a mum sometimes but she is not capable anymore. My hubby bless him fills the gap in my life. Don't know what I would do without his support. He listens and then cheers me up.
When I'm at mum's and its all getting a bit much I text him and he makes me laugh which helps no end.

Honeyb
x

[CLKD]

Sorry Taz badly worded.  I remember that you visited your parents often to help their situation ….. and had to leave your family 'back home' at the time ……. my words seem disrespectful but were not meant to be.

Nope - in answer to a former query - I would never seek help from family.  Once bitten ….. 'one can only allow another person to hurt you by staying around'.  I refuse to be 'let down' again.  I would rather not ask.  My Mother is aware of this and my sister and I rarely communicate.  Any other family members have their own set/s of problem/s so I wouldn't impose mine.  There is no-one that stepped forwards when required in 1990/2000 so I would never ask.

I agree with Ju Ju ……… I also think that getting our partners/husbands 'on side' makes a big difference to how each person deals with the on-going situations. None of our family members are 'easy' ……. and I get the snide remarks as it has been obvious that Mother prefers my sister ……

Life is often not black and white - often because people don't put their foot down with a firm hand, often problems are due to lack of communication - in this house it's because I think I've told DH the 'whole' story but haven't let all of my thoughts out of my head ……..

[Ju Ju]

What has helped me is knowing now that I am not the cause of mums problems. She had a difficult childhood herself as many of her generation did. With help I was able to look at my own childhood, understand without blame. I think I have (almost) forgiven her and am grateful I have done so while she is alive. And hopefully I have not passed on certain issues onto my children, though no doubt, I have made mistakes all of my very own! Both my children have an easy, comfortable relationship with me. I get bossed by them in a loving way and I love it! They know they are respected and loved unconditionally.

I think we have the advantage these days of knowing what goes on outside of our families thanks to TV etc and can use that awareness to change things. I do still switch to the way I used to react to situations, but I have an intercepting voice that says, ' it's ok!' Mum used to expect immediate action following a demand, which I did with quiet resentment. Now when my husband asks me to do something, I still automatically revert to that mind set initially, so my hubbie will remind me that' I'm not your mum! Do it in your own time.' I can tell him how I feel these days, but that is because he is very wise and has experienced hard times.

The more you get to know people, the more realise everyone has problems. If we approve of ourselves, it is so much easier.

[CLKD]

What I have realised in recent years is that parents had a Life before the kids arrived! and their experiences continued in our house-hold after we were born.  So any bad habits/histrionics etc. didn't alter.  Many nights my sister and I would sit at the top of the stairs listening to them arguing - in hindsight the arguments were always the same: would start quietly with angry muttering, crescendo into shouting and always the same wording  ……… but I did feel that their rows were my 'fault'  .

It is only in the last 5 years that I can see how habits formed during Mum's teens continued until now - and meeting with people who knew her before I did (just) or who watched her habits whilst I was growing up has helped enormously so that now I know it was history, not my fault.

Talk. Talk.  Talk - none of us are mind readers (as DH often reminds me  ) so we must stop assuming …….

[Ju Ju]

Yep! And men and women think differently. A huge generalisation is that men like to fix and women just want to be heard! I was told that what others thought is none of my business; it's not personal. If someone thinks badly of me it is because they are reacting to their baggage and again if they think well of me they are reacting to good experience. I was asked what there was not to love about me. I hold onto that. When I feel low I remember I am loveable. Nor is it my job to 'fix' other people, just love them. ( not so easy unless you are at peace with yourself.) I'm a work in progress.

[honeybun]

I was loved and spoiled a bit as a child. I was controlled as a teenager and young adult.
I was and still am a people pleaser. I try not to be but it's very hard.
I had a strange relationship with my mother as my dad died when I was 19. She cancelled out and I was in charge of household stuff which she happily passed over and just concerned herself with managing other areas of my  life. Difficult to go out when you are 20 leaving someone crying that they are lonely. Hard times.
 
I still do what I need to do along with my sister.

I still ask the question. CLKD. What would you do if you were left alone. I would turn to my family....sister....for help and support. 
No man is an island and I maintain that at some point in our lives we reach out to others for help.


Honeyb
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