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[Ju Ju]

That's a good question for everyone. We all need a support system. But sometimes that support comes from unexpected quarters. It may not be family.

[Joyce]

My father died when I was 7, leaving my mum to look after me & my 16 year old brother. My mum went into shock & was already menopausal.

My brother was my rock, not my mum. She was out of touch with reality. We all need someone.

[thorntrees]

Family relationships can be so difficult. After my Father died Mum became very demanding of me and as an only child I felt I had to do all I could to support her. She had never liked my DH, as he was in the RAF and so we never lived close and she had no idea about service life and the demands it makes. She wouldn't move closer to us once we settled after leaving the RAF and I used to spend one week in four staying with her. This involved a three hour train journey each time.  DH was very understanding about being  left on his own and only worried about the toll it was taking on me. When I was diagnosed with  Hodgkin's lymphoma and had to have 9months of chemo I just couldn't keep up the visits. Mum seemed only concerned about how this was affecting her and I confess to feeling resentful of her attitude. Unfortunately she had a massive stroke from which she never recovered just as I was finishing my treatment so she never knew I had beaten the cancer. It has taken me a long time to come to terms with this and not feel guilty that I hastened her death. My comfort though is in knowing I did all I could for her when I was able, I certainly couldn't live with myself if I hadn't done so. I'm with Honeybun on this one-family matters whatever it takes. Sorry for the ramble but I feel we must do what we can for each other and be at peace with ourselves.

[CLKD]

My Mum 'gave us wings with which to fly' ........ apparently  .

I am at peace.  Usually.  No one has the right to hurt me and because family have done so then they are out of my eye-line. I engage out of duty.  I have friends who did/would step in if necessary.  I have a good GP, a lovely Dental surgeon, the Practice Nurse is supportive. 

[groundhog]

Well thank you ladies for all your replies.  It has given me some comfort knowing I am certainly not alone and I need to get the balance right.  I could never turn my back on my mother -yes she was a frosty and cold at times but she was never cruel or anything like that.  In fact I too was quite spoilt and probably over protected as a child.  It's wheni got older that any show of affection seemed to stop.  My husband and I havebeen together a longtime - he isn't perfect and I most certainly aren't.  I have often felt I was never enough for him - as I have had chrons since 24 a my goalposts were lowered whereas he is always looking for new things. 
But having read your posts I realise I need to change a few things.  T be honest whenmy mother had the haemorrhage she wasn't expected to survive so we had a short term plan - we now need a long term coping strategy.
Thanks all again xxx

[CLKD]

Let us know how you get on!  These similar current threads have made DH and I talk about 'what if'  .......... and 'what when' .......

[honeybun]

And did you come to any conclusions CLKD


Honeyb
x

[CLKD]

Of course   

[honeybun]

I take it it won't include asking from any help from family members. Guess you really can't anyway.

I can't even contemplate not having a member of my family help if and when. I have asked before.....hubbies heart attack, hubby nearly dying when he first had diabetes. Asked and the troops rolled in to support me......and I am still so grateful.

My kids are a lot older now so my son would be there for who ever needed help.


Honeyb
x

[CLKD]

We live miles away from family anyway.  By the time they got here we would be at the Hospital.  2 cousins live 40 mins away but I would never think about them in an emergency as we are rarely in touch.  Neighbours are more reliable, much friendlier and useful on a day-2-day basis once the crisis is under control …….. been there, done all that …… 1 did our ironing, 1 walked the dog, another fed the rabbits/cats/goldfish - they got on with it, whereas family tend to stand around waiting for instructions 

Also when I was seriously ill I couldn't deal with family emotions: friends/neighbours stepped in as necessary whereas family would have phaffed 

[honeybun]

Really good that you have reliable neighbours who will help you out.
It's great if then you can return the favour.

My closest neighbour is also a friend and if push came to shove I might ask but I doubt it.

I will keep an eye on the house if they are on holiday but they have their family and I have mine so we keep things casual.


Honeyb
x

[Limpy]

Re families.

My parents split up in 1969, before it was usual, I was 11.
Mum left me and brother with dad, we upset her new man.
I knew nothing about cleaning so we lived in squalor, I could cook though.
Wasn't what you call a supportive environment.
I Left home at 16, didn't see family at all after 18.
They rarely tried to contact me, so I severed all contact after I turned 40.

What passed for logic is that they weren't there for me when I needed them.
However, OH's parents were lovely and helpful, I supported them in any way I could.

Strange things families.

[CLKD]

Andy on the 1 Show last night said "Families are people you can have a row with.  You'd hardly have a row with strangers"