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[CLKD]

Family dynamics  could be a whole room on here.  I am  now, at age 60, finding out exactly what dynamics went on whilst I was growing up i.e. Mum would dash upstairs to tell me that Dad was going to jump in the river - that was after hours of my listening in bed at them having rows with raised voices; it is only in the last couple of years that I realised he never told me he was going to jump in the river; he would drive off away from her ............ so I would then be left to listen trying hard not to fall asleep making all kinds of promises to a God I didn't believe in so that he would come home safely  ...........

That's why I have little to do with my younger sister.  Because she tells lies in order to impress, well it don't no longer impress Moi 

I sat people watching yesterday (long story short)  and B-cause DH and I didn't know anyone else except the hosts, we had to talk to each other 

[honeybun]

Family issues are horrible to have to deal with. They can impact so much.

When I walk away from my mother's I am trying very hard just to put the family problems out of my mind and enjoy the time I spend with hubby and my kids. We all get on well and its a happy house and I will not let outside problems impact on that.

Honeyb
x

[groundhog]

Before my mother went ill and became disabled, we all led separate lives.  My sister had her life mainly work and holidays ( before children came along), my mother had her life - little job, car, independent.  Me - working full time, hospitals, husband and daughter.  Then life changed and we were all thrown together.  We started to socialise together because all our lives are intertwined so if BBQ is mentioned everyone comes whereas before it may have been just the 3 of us.  Family dynamics are tense owing to circumstances and on any get together I am totally stressed.  I hate them and find a lot of pent up anger and resentment nearly comes to the surface.  We now try not to socialise together as much as I we all need our own space.  I'm trying to think of a reason not to do Christmas but I sound so miserable and grumpy but Christmas has turned into a marathon and it wears me out.  I'm afraid I will BLOW if I make another lovely Christmas dinner and my sister says she feels sick after or my mother just picks and complains.    My sisters partner requests some random meat or veg so more for me to do / remember.  My husband drinks.  My daughter watches my every move and if i show any kind of stress or bad mood she gets upset - I hate it.
Still moaning...................

[Ju Ju]

Dear Groundhog,

Why worry about what they think? Simply, you are not up to dealing all the work that catering for so many people entails. Nor am I. And I don't.

When my sister was alive, we got together on a separate day to celebrate Christmas and exchange presents. I do not invite my parents over on Christmas Day. Their day with us is on Boxing Day. We spread the load. We have energy to make a fuss of them then. Admittedly, that may change, when one of them dies. They enjoy their own day. Christmas Day is for us and our children and grandchildren. I don't enjoy cooking and used to get stressed with Christmas dinner. One year I got upset and admitted how I felt. Everyone was shocked and they sent me into the lounge and took over. They assumed I liked doing it. Now my daughter cooks, which she loves. I happily clear up with the help of the dishwasher.

Tell them you are not up to organising Christmas and ask for suggestions. Give them the chance to rise to the occasion. They may surprise you. I doubt they realise how you feel. If they don't rise to the occasion, tough. Let them sort own their own Christmas. They don't deserve you if they are unpleasant. And decide what you really want to do at Christmas. Best wishes, Ju Ju

I remember my mum getting stressed at Christmas and it upset me. I vowed I would do it differently.

[CLKD]

Why continue?  I did because it was expected of me .......... and easier for us to go there beceuase they all live in the same village and we are 2 hours away.  Then after DH's parents died we stayed here - for 3 whole years we could do our own thing.  If his bro didn't like it, tuff.  Then Mum's partner died so I felt I had to go over and we usually manage to have a quieter time.  I 'run' the day from C.mas Eve. through to Boxing morning when his bro takes over and fair play, invites us and my Mum for lunch.  At 1 time I was getting in and out of our car 11 times on C.Day  ..............

[honeybun]

A few years ago I put a stop to cooking Xmas dinner. I had done it for 25 years. When my sister came to my house she sat down to her dinner and hubby and I did the lot. When I went to hers....I cooked and dished up....I have a catering background so this was seen as acceptable.

I just said no more. Yes it caused huge problems and was awful the first year but now although a little awkward it's accepted.

Now after the duty visits are over I get to spend Xmas day in my own house eating what I want, having a few glasses of wine and not being the last to sit down and the first to stand up so I could look after others.

Best thing I ever did.


Honeyb
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[dulciana]

Sparkle (I would put in a quote here, but I'm not sure how to!) I completely empathise with what you say about feeling pressured by being in other people's company and any sort of conflict causing anxiety, palpitations etc.   The other day, we were round at my sister-in-law's, talking about various things - there were four of us - when I suddenly couldn't take any more of the rather intense conversation and anxiety symptoms took me over.  Palpitations started up, I got hot and sweaty, I started clenching my fists and I really wanted to leave the room.  I didn't, because it would have seemed antisocial, but nothing anyone said from that point on went in and all I could think about was when we could leave.   

[Ju Ju]

Why do we worry about other people think? Quite frankly, we don't know what other people are thinking. Probably not about us. We tend to be highly critical of ourselves and assume others think the same. If they do, then I avoid them. People who prove to be judgemental, are even more down on themselves. If we need to get out of a situation, then look after ourselves and go.no one else can look after ourselves better than us.

[dulciana]

You're absolutely right, Ju Ju.   I need to take this on board............

[Ju Ju]

And I have made a judgement about you Dulciana! I think you are gorgeous and part of my singing support system! Thank you! 

[honeybun]

I think it's that the dynamics of my family have changed. We all used to go on a week's holiday together. We stayed in different cottages but usually next door...and we had fun. My kids were little and they were the focus. Now they have grown up and my sister's kids are very grown up its all very boring and staid. My nephew married a very strange woman who does not like him to mix. My niece has two....umm...loud children ....My hubby detests my sister and her husband. My brother-in-law is a pain, and so on it goes. I know my sister does not like my hubby as he won't play her games and to cap it all my sister is now TT.
Is it any wonder I avoid it all.

It's my 30th anniversary soon. We have chosen to go away.....anything but a party for the family.

As I have said many times before....I wish I had moved miles away when I had the chance.


Honeyb
x

[CLKD]

Little issues that aren't discussed become huge and evolve into myths ……… so the things unsaid get passed down and by the time it's as far down as the gt grand-kids …….. it's grown and grown 

I now say 'no' to most family events.  Fortunately we live far enough away for it not to be necessary to attend 

[Kathleen]

Hello ladies.

Many thanks to all those who've posted on this thread. It seems like tolerating other people is another problem that comes with the menopause. As someone on here once said 'It's the gift that keeps on giving'.

Best wishes ladies and take care.

K.

[PollyH]

Hi Kathleen

My personal opinion is that the low oestrogen makes you feel ant-social. I too feel exactly the same. It sounds as if you need to up your dose of estrogen - I'm about to do that and hope I feel better. My hubby says I go in a world of my own - but I can't help it - don't even know that I'm doing it and that causes a lot of problems.

PollyH
Xx

[honeybun]

Too much oestrogen makes me very jittery which is not nice at all.

My hubby has got a lot quieter as he gets older. We can go for long periods of time without saying anything. It used to bother me and now I find it restful.


Honeyb
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