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[CLKD]

Because we do!  From an early age women in particular are encouraged to fit in.  To care for family above getting a career.  To put themselves last at the table when food was rationed.

ENOUGH!  I do remember how it felt during school age, the need to fit in.  The worry when Teams were picked that I would be last = unpopular  - my parents were old fashioned so no mini-skirts for me, so I rolled up my skirts at the waist - anyone else do that  .  How I worried about gym classes when girls were told to wear thick knickers but the boys could wear shorts  .  How I worried when on a period about walking with a used pad to the incinerator at the other end of the toilet block, the incinerator where the Big Girls woudl lounge 'cos it was the warmest place but it meant I had to excuse myself as I deposited the pad  .  So it does matter, being one of the crowd, it's also a survival issue from way back ............

I can't remember when I became brazen. But as the years went on, I married, moved away from the family village and then I realised that people liked me for myself, not because of my history, back in that village.  As I aged I began to find myself, it took until I was 35  ..... now 60 I do exactly what I want, when I want, I don't shave my legs unless I want to do  ....... even when DH nudges me ....

When I suffered severe depression and anxiety in the 1990s I noticed that people didn't wait for me to recover. Nor did they ask DH how he was during the long years of my illness.  Not once did any so-called friend pick up the phone to either of us  so then I went independant.  Bug..r what anyone else thinks!  This is about me.

Survival is selfish.  But as long as my anxiety is manageable DH and I have a Life together.  Sometimes I can even include others in our daily routine but I don't go out of my way to invite anyone here.  Because that way I'm comfortable.  That way I can do what is best for us as a couple. 

Oh cuppa is ready, be back later!

[kerrieann]

thanks for posting this clkd, as i said in another post, i feel that alot of my anxiety comes from what other people think of me, i was always considered to be quite attractive now over the last few years i have gained alot of weight of feel uncomfortable and cant wear what i want as i feel silly, and feel that others are looking at me.
I have a supportive partner and my children think that iam just fine and dandy as i cover everythng up and put on a smile but inside i feel very unhappy, so wish i could snap out of it and become more carefree, as i said before i admire your attitude and wish i could get where you are, as in frame of mind .

[groundhog]

I have always had a big problem with 'fitting in' and the feeling remains.  I was 5ft 10' when I was 12 and was overweight so I felt like a freak.  I was the only girl in the village who went to the grammar school from my group of peers so I became super freak.  I had no confidence and Ive never really got over it.  I don't like social situations and the need to make small talk terrifies me - I'm just no good at it.  But the problem I have is my husband is very gregarious and sociable and I get constantly nagged to have people over, or host a big BBQ etc plus when we go on holidays ( which I'm not great at) he always makes 'friends' so I spend my week uncomfortable.  I'm happier in my own space but he likes lots of company.  You are fortunate CLKD that your DH respects your feelings as mine doesn't understand until he feels the need for solitude then the rules are different
As for ppl understanding illness and depression - well like you my family aren't interested and think I have the world at my feet - what have I got to be depressed about!  Probably true but they obviously don't understand how depression hits you.  I have chrons disease and it makes me tired,  I also care for my mother and help a lot with my sisters children ( who I adore ) but never once has anyone asked me ' how are you'.  Maybe I am am selfish to feel that it is a problem but if any of my family are unwell I'm the one that steps up.  It's difficult to change though .  I wish I was where you are CLKD and stop feelin that I'm the bad guy.  Because I am always seeking approval I do too much for people - yet still don't get any thanks.  Viscous circle.

[leony]

I know exactly how you feel only 5ft 2 and never weighed any more than 7 stone people were always asking if i was anorexic it really upset me and still does as i am not much bigger now, when i had a breakdown i went down to 5 and half stone and wouldn't go out at all as i thought everyone was staring at me. My OH has PTSD and can be really nasty at times not intentionally and my daughter has 2 boys with High Functioning ASD so my life at times can be really frustrating I love them all but my god they can try your patience at times.

[Ju Ju]

What an interesting post. Yes, I think most of us grow up caring what others think and yet we tend to be more judgemental of our selves than others ever will be.

A few years back I did a course with a life coach, who told me that it was was none of my business what others think. It is not about me; it is about them. If they are operating from a ' bad place', they will treat me badly no matter what I do. If they are operating from a 'good place' they will treat me well no matter what I do.

 I care for people, but that does not mean I have to tolerate bad behaviour. I walk or limit my contact. It is not my job to fix people. Only they can do that. I am kind, but not weak. I treat people as I wish to be treated. I still go to that default thinking that I am being judged wanting, then that other voice butts in and tells me I'm ok. It doesn't matter. I am lovely! I tell my family I love them, when those lovely feelings well up, but i don't need it reciprocated back to me. It is as it is. I don't wish to be young again. I was unhappy. I am happy now and life feels good.

[Winterose]

I read a good quote which I hope doesnt sound trite or silly, it went something like this:

"Dont worry about what others are thinking about you as its surprising how little they do "

 

[Ju Ju]

So true Winterose.

 My favourite prayer.

Dear God, Show me the truth about myself, no matter how beautiful it is. Amen. (Machida Wiedenkhr)

[Winterose]

Thats made me smile -

[groundhog]

Yes Winterose that is so true but that's the thing about low self esteem - you assume ppl are talking or judging you when they are probably so not interested!  If you feel good about yourself then even if they are talking about you - you don't care! 
Hi Ju Ju xx

[Ju Ju]

Hi lovely you!

[CLKD]

How did I change: I can't remember.  But I do remember that my Mum told me 'don't lead your husband a dance as your father led me' : not any support about my depression, I got a lot of 'poor 'husband' ' from her ....... he was OK he went to work and could walk away from the depressive side of me <sigh>.  So now I never tell her. 

I'm reading Joan Bakewell's autobiography and it's very telling as to how women were raised until the 1960s when we began being able to make choices.  Not always what they wanted but they did push for changes. 

When I was depressed; and when people walked away; I halved my C/mas card list  - overnight! I try not to have people around who are 'takers'.  I try to help, if I am able to do so.  But I never say yes immediately .......... whereas years ago I would jump in and offer help, often over-taxing myself  ... I was also raised not to 'let anyone down' so that once I had said 'yes' I would go along with it, however ill I felt  .......... now I pick up the phone if anxiety threatens to over-take me and tell the person to find someone else.

No one owes me anything.  A kind word and a smile helps.  But don't feel you have to give ........ unless you are able.  I don't owe anyone anything ........ what you see is what you get  .  Old habits die hard so stepping in to help family becomes expected.  However I don't 'do' illness so you will have to find a GP/Nurse/neighbour who does!!!


I'm out of bed, what more do they want .......... 

[honeybun]

It's sometimes not so easy to just walk away from people who need you because it doesn't suit or makes you feel under pressure. It's what families generally do.
Women are conditioned to put children first but why bother having them if your not prepared to do that. My kids always come first. Now they are grown up they appreciate what we did when they were young.

As for what people think, I really don't care to be honest. I am what I am and if they don't like it then it's their problem not mine.
I always tried to tell my children to treat people the way they would want to be treated and that's the way I try to be too.

Honeyb
x

[CLKD]

Well said Honeybun 

[orrla]

Lately, I give ppl exactly back what they give me - if anyone talks down I do the same, if someone is rude I do the same. I don't like this but I do it because if I am trying to be nice and giving most jump straight on my back, I call it - do this, admire me, listen to me, oh I am so important. So I go my own way now most of times not giving a toss - I also hate now to have someone in and I feel best on my own. People stress me!

It was not like this even few years ago but for some time now I observe who says what and who does what for me. Nothing. All come to take.

I had awful meno and no understanding from anyone. Plenty of gossip though, I learnt. Not one person helped. Some even gave me this nasty extra push which together with usual meno anxieties was a hell at times. No wonder I prefer to be on my own now.

I miss laughter and joyful companion though, like it was when I was very young - not free from anxieties but somehow it was nicer then, I think. Very sad.

Take care girls! 

[Greyhoundgal]

...and that's why we have this lovely forum.  We can be who we really are, help if we can but step away if we need to.  If only real life could be just like that!  I do agree though with what everyone is saying, I think as you get older you start to not care so much about what people are thinking of you - the poem "when I am an old woman I shall wear purple" springs to mind