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[groundhog]

I know they say things happen for a reason but I am getting the feeling the way I deal with things that happen makes things much worse. Please bear with me.  The last 5 years have been difficult but nothing compared to what some ppl go through.  My health has been poor all my adult life so that's nothing new.  But last July my mother had brain haemorrhage .  I was medically retired from a job i love.  my sister got made redundant and her relationship ended - she has 2 young children who i adore.  Roll on 9 months and we as a family are falling apart.  My mother is home and doing ok with carers plus a lot of help from her family.  I am finding it quite to adapt to not working.  my sister and her boys are ok.  My latest worry is my own daughter- my only child.  She has been with her partner for 14 years and he is a lovely person but very very quiet.  But long story short there are problems and I think the relationship will end.  As usual I am reacting very badly to this.  I don't really know how to advise her as it is she who wants out.  She tells me there is no one else but I am not sure.  He will be devastated.  Why can't I deal with it and find the right words to say to her.  Have you ladies been here and how have you handled it.  Any advice welcome.  Thank you xx

[CLKD]

Of course we want the best for our loved ones don't we?  You may be a person who likes to 'solve' problems for others?  I used to be like that  but have learned to listen, advise if necessary but not to take it as an insult when people don't take my advice.  Are you the person they turn to for advice, a listening ear ......... ?

14 years is a long while.  Are there children involved?  Even if there is 'someone else' that is up to your daughter.  How do you know her partner will be 'devastated'?  Is this your view or has he told you in the past?  Try not to put your feelings as if they are someone else's 

Positive - your Mum is being cared for and appears to be doing well; your sister and boys have settled into a new life-style.

The thing I advise is for people who are asked to be the listening ear, go to the various support agencies and gather information which can be passed on; i.e. Citizens Advice, Relate, where will your daughter live if she leaves the partner ........ you cannot heal others, but advice and a listening air can be invaluable.
 

[KatieLiz]

I think sometimes in menopause, problems can get out of proportion and our feelings can reflect this.  Also sometimes we just have to accept other peoples problems are out of our control and all we can do is be there but not necessarily actually do anything!

The only thing you can do is take care of yourself and be a listening ear for your family!  Try not to stress too much over things you have no control.

Good luck. x 

[Suzi Q]

This is your child your only child
If shes had enough you dont say if marriage and kids even if there was and is its her life
If shes unhappy she needs to start afresh lifes so short
As was said how do you know he will be devistated ? But even if he is  YES its sad but shes your child not him
She comes first sadly not everyhing stays the same Im guessing your a person who doesnt like change much thats OK
Just be there for her let her make a new life for herself dont guilt trip her or make her feel bad about her actions
You dont want to loose her xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Glad the rest of the stuff seems to be falling in to place well done xxxxx

[groundhog]

Thank you for your replies.  Re my daughter - there are no children and they are not married.  I do try and fix everyone else's problems -it's as if I can't be happy unless they are.  Worrying over things I cannot control is a big thing with me.  I've always been a worrier but I find since the meno my anxieties are worse and I do tend to catastrophise problems which is not helpful.  I think part of that goes back to when I develeped chrons disease at 24 - my daughter was a few months old, my husband in the navy and my parents found it difficult to accept my illness.  I always used to think of the worse thing that could happen and if it didnt happen it was a bonus.  In some situations this coping strategy is ok but in most it's not.  I am backing off from my daughters problems now - I have told her we are there for her but other than that I am not mentioning it.  I don't like a change and I am well and truly stuck in a rut.  I know it's time to move on and stop stressing over every little thing.
Thanks for your helpful replies.xxxx

[Suzi Q]

good girl xxxxxxxxxxxx

[CLKD]

Sounds a bit like me Groundhog.  .......... as long as I am in control of the various situations in my Life then I know my anxiety will stay at a low level  ..... I have learnt in recent years to offer advice but not to stress if the people don't take it.  Not my pig, not my farm  .... sometimes one has to drip feed ideas or point out how others in similar situations coped, then stand back. 

Also: none of us knows that happens behind a shut front door!